Stumbling On Happiness

Summer Kids

2011-07-21T18:30:00.002-04:00

Poor neglected blog!!! Someday I will explain it all, I am dying to start writing again! For now a post of a summer album, and some of the things we are up to. School starts in just a few weeks!

Easter Sunday

2011-04-25T17:40:00.000-04:00

Although I have had to work most Sundays thru the school year I traded with someone yesterday, and we had a FABULOUS church service. Later, Nick came over for dinner and we had grilled leg of lamb stuffed with garlic and rosemary, grilled corn on the cob, and a salad with lettuce from the garden. GREAT DAY! I am blessed!

Up For Air!

2011-03-08T12:16:00.000-05:00

Look how much Elle has grown! She and her best friend have been the same size FOREVER! Not anymore...

Yes, it's been a wild and often fabulous ride, the last several months. I am still here, and I will be writing all about it very soon! AND I plan to take up my friend Jennifer's friend Claudia challenge on writing about the "A" word: yes, you know...ATTACHMENT. I have much to say. Until then, a few photos from the skating rink the other night.

A Christmas Story

2010-12-27T17:25:00.001-05:00

Having computer difficulty again, and plan a more personal post within the next few days, because we had an amazing Christmas. But for the time being I want to pass this story on:

Saved By Christmas

It is an adoption story. Alot of God in this, as there is in so many of our own stories.

The really good news is that Ava has been out of the hospital for 10 days. This is the longest stretch she has had since all this started 3 months ago, and for this I am so grateful.

Saturday In The Park

2010-12-13T12:20:00.000-05:00

Just pictures today. That's all!

Longing For Normality

2010-12-05T11:41:00.002-05:00

The last few days I have been a little frantic when I have not had my camera on me to catch the "normal" moments in our lives. Like the other day at the park, where all three little kids were just acting like kids, playing, getting along with each other, and having fun. I want to remember these times, as they are interspersed into what has become the chaos. Although I have to say that even the chaos is becoming routine.   The only thing that changes is that every time Ava goes off the deep end, she pushes the envelope a little harder.

I sort of alternate between recording these incidents either on our yahoo group or on this blog. Why, you might ask, would I do that? Well, I am learning that documentation is very important, and these incidents are so compressed that it is easy to get confused in having to remember facts.

So, as of today, we are on hospitalization #7 since Sept. 24, 2010. She lasted 4 days out this time, although technically she could have been readmitted the day after she came out, if the insurance would have allowed it, which they wouldn't. Because she says she hears voices telling her to hurt herself and other people. Despite this, we were able to keep her stabilized for several days, which was good, we were able to make some progress in getting her help. Although my meeting with the school last month was difficult, the worthwhile result is that there is a team of county educators with resources looking for good solutions, and working hard at it. So there is progress on that front. She managed to get in a really good session with her therapist who is addressing her attachment issues. But by Friday, she was crumbling, and I was surprised we made it to Saturday afternoon. Behavior progressed typically: wanted to go shopping when the plan was to stay home and get the Christmas tree up. That set her off, she started agressing pretty severely on Elle and Stevenson which led to me locking them in the house and me staying outside with her. Started throwing rocks at me and at the house. I called 911 (I just got my windows replaced, and I just was not going there again!) She went out in the middle of the street. I asked her if she knew she could get hurt that way. She took off, running down the middle of the street. I started following her when I realized she was going to keep going. A jeep was coming down the street towards her, she would not get out of the road. The jeep stopped. She stopped. I got back on the phone with dispatch and asked them to hurry.   When I walked past the jeep (a very nice couple) they asked if there was anything they could do, I said thank you, no, I had the sheriff's office on the phone and they were on their way. Once I got past the car, Ava started running again, west towards the railroad tracks and the Atlanta Highway, (Yes, that very same Atlanta Highway the b 52's sing about in "Love Shack") a busy place. As I told the dispatcher, not good. But every time I would start to run after her she would take off running, so we just walked and walked at a fast clip, she was about 50 feet ahead of me. We walked about a 1/2 mile. She crossed the railroad tracks and started walking along the Highway. I was gaining on her, and she kept looking back at me, but she was letting me catch her. Dispatch told me to stay on the phone. I was able to grab her just as she tried to jump out in the road. The sheriff showed up about a minute later. She resisted him and he put her in handcuffs and down on the ground face first. She refused to walk to the police car and tried to kick the officer. She did not have her shoes on, just socks, and her feet were soaking wet and it was cold too. Finally the ambulance came, and off she went to the emergency room. She ended up having to be restrained there too, because she demanded food when she got there and wanted the TV on and did not get immediate gratification. I left the room after she spit on me. She calmed down after the therapist came and talked to her. She did apologize for spitting on me. 9 hours after entering the emergency room they packed her up to go to the psyche hospital and hour and a half away. She was very unhappy about this. The nurse told me this morning she cried herself to sleep. The nurse just called again. She is uncooperative and aggressive this morning as well and has already had to spend some time in the 'quiet' room.
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After the first of the year she goes into a residential program for (hopefully) 30 days. I don't think that is enough for her, so this is what I am working on, getting her funded for a program that will be more concentrated and long term than that.    Despite conditions at the orphanage, I honestly believe that Ava's biggest problem is her separation from her first family and extended family, whom are now exalted in her mind. She can't let go and move on with her life. She is literally sick with grief. The psyche eval should answer the question as to whether or not she is disordered in addition to that. She is a very sick little girl, which she is in complete denial about. She is in so much pain, she will do just about anything to get out of it. She wanted drugs at the emergency room, but fortunately, that did not happen this time. Her thought process is that the pain is so great (all the time) that she is up for killing herself to kill the pain, even though she does not really understand what that means. She is also out of school now, because she is freaking out the other kids. She is home bound. (When she is not hospitalized) I am off work until after the first of the year. So yes. I am longing for normality. For me, for Ava, for Lucas, for Elle, for Stevenson. I don't see it on the near horizon. But I am unwilling to give up on my girl.

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Before all this occurred yesterday, we had a pretty normal time at the Christmas Parade. I just bought a new camera, which I am so jacked up about! (Good-bye Kodak Easy-Share and good riddance!)

what a face!

Santa Claus

Harry Dawg

friends from church

waiting for candy!

So yes, this is the normal, juxtaposed against the abby-normal. And right now, this is my life.

Bulletproof

2010-11-24T03:19:00.000-05:00

Ava is home again. As of last night. I have not had time to update here much, but about 48 hours after her last release she was rehospitalized. That was last Thursday. She came home from that stay angry and defiant, and by day two we were in deep water. It ended after she crashed my front window with a rock, the flying glass missing Stevenson and Elle's heads by about 12". I called the sheriff and the ambulance and this time she went to the emergency room willingly. She did not stay there willingly, she tried to walk out, which ended badly involving hospital security, about 6 personnel members, bed restraints and a sedative. Not to mention another hospitalization. Perhaps I have just grown cynical, but to me it seemed like she was an actress on a stage. She knew what would happen when she did all those things. The hospital has urged me not to re-admit her, but to use the Juvenile Justice System instead next time. No one says 'should it come to that' anymore. I think we all know it will come to that again, it's just a matter of time. Do I think Ava will benefit from the JJS? No. But maybe yes. She is sick and possibly even dangerous and needs long term residential treatment. That is her best hope. Going thru JJS may be the only way to get that for her. My upgraded insurance, when it kicks in (January) will only cover 30 days once a year. 30 days is not going to be enough time to turn her around. First of all, because she is not really interested in changing her behavior. And she likes being the center of the drama, which she certainly is. She is pretty much non-functional. She cannot function properly at school or at home. Well, she can for awhile. Till she blows up again. For her, it's all about control. This is how she controls everybody, and it's pretty effective.

Elle said something to me the other day that was revealing for so many reasons. She told me it was my fault Ava was in the hospital. After I recovered from my shock I asked her why she thought that. She said I wanted to put her in there. I assured her that was not true, and asked her again wny she thought that. She said that I say things that I know will make Ava mad. In other words, I don't let her do what she wants to. I let her know why, I draw a line, a boundary.

I tried to explain to Elle what I do and why I do it, but not sure that got thru to her.

Let me clarify: I generally work hard not to escalate situations. I've gotten alot better about not yelling, about talking calmly, and sometimes when Ava says really outrageous things I ignore her because I know what she wants is a reaction. Often that escalates her to more outrageous behavior and ends up having to be met with limits. Like restraint, or police, or ambulance or hospital. Elle's comment made me wonder how much Ava was placated in Haiti. Not so much at the orphanage, but at home. She is very grandiose. She expects compliance. She is outraged when she does not receive it.

Right now she is walking around in kind of a bubble. She is happy to be at home, but she is not willing to change her behavior or thinking. She is tolerating my rules for now. I talked to her about the JJS. I told her that she might have to go there instead of the hospital next time, and she does not care. She is very naive about what that is all about, and does not hear the facts. She is in a bubble and she thinks she is bulletproof.

I am desperately worried for her and her future. It's also difficult to attend to the other's neediness when she is taking up all the space, and unfair for them too. I am being held up by a power greater than myself, I can assure you, and that is what keeps me moving forward in a mostly rational manner. So if you are a prayer, please continue. Please continue for all of us. Thanks.

We March On

2010-11-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

We have been very busy. Admittedly, I have been very stressed. Ava is once again in the hospital in Atlanta.
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One of the things we did on Saturday before Halloween was attend a Halloween Birthday party at the local skating rink. It was the first time my three kids had ever been on skates, and they took it on like Kamikazes. I soon figured out I would have to get some skates too, even though the last time I did that was at least 10 years and 50 lbs ago. Elle and Stevenson were crazy for it, and they did not care how many times they fell. So I had to try to contain them. Ava was more cautious, and she fell fairly early and said she hurt her wrist. So she spent alot of time in the social arena. She did complain to me about her wrist a few more times, which is typical for her. I kept looking at it, but there was no swelling. I had no doubt she'd hurt it, but it did not seem serious, just annoying, and did not keep her from enjoying her day. I checked it the next day and the following, and still, no swelling. Tuesday (election day) their school was out, of course I had to work. But Ava had a therapists appointment at 10 am, and I came to get her for that. On the way home, she said she wanted me to stay home with her, and I said I could not, I had to go back to work. I saw the dark cloud come over her face, and by the time we got back to the house she blew. It was another full on episode where she ran away (for about 15 minutes) and when she came back, she started throwing rocks at the house, and me when I came out to confront her. I told her I would have to call the sheriff and she was defiant and said she did not care. The sheriff took his time getting there, and in the meantime, she quit throwing rocks and went inside and thumped on her younger brother, sister and the two dogs. When the sheriff got there he said all he could do was take her into the local hospital for an evaluation via ambulance, and that was all. I said no, I would get the same results, but alot faster if I took her straight to the hospital in Atlanta myself. Then he told me I needed to take her behind the woodshed and give her a good spanking. I said thank you, but that does not work in her case so that was not my way. Then he proceeded to go on about how corporal punishment was not illegal in Georgia even though the schools tried to teach the kids differently, and I said I was aware of ALL of that.

She seemed in a calm enough space, although I could tell she was not done yet. However, I had to go back to work, so I told Lucas that if she tried anything inappropriate, to call the Sheriff Dept. back and then call me. I was almost to work when he called me and said she had threatened to hurt him and herself with a kitchen knife, so back home I went. With every intention of taking her to Atlanta. On my way back, her teacher from last year called me, and when I told her what was going on, offered to come over to the house and talk to her. This teacher has had a calming effect on her in the past, so I said OK. Long story short, after about an hour and a half, she had Ava talking, feeling remorse, and apologising. So I decided not to take her in, because I could tell she had turned a corner. Inside the house I asked her if she wanted to lay down with me, which she did, then she launched into a full on grief episode, crying for her mommy and daddy. She let me rub her back and comfort her, and then I asked her if she wanted to go for a car ride. She agreed, so I piled them in and we drove for about an hour and a half. It was almost 7pm by the time we got home. She asked me to put an ace bandage on her wrist so I did, hoping it would at least make her feel better.

Wednesday the school nurse called me asking about Ava's wrist and saying her hand was swollen. I expressed surprise, told her about the skating and no swelling, but said I would take her to the emergency clinic that evening, which I did. The doctor put a brace on her arm after taking an Xray determined that she had no fracture. He said it was not that unusual for a sprain to swell later due to gravity. I was thinking too that the ace bandage might have forced it.

I could do multiple posts on my experiences with Children's Services. But for now, just let me say that my case (alleging abuse and neglect) has been closed. Because they finally figured out I had at least one child with severe behavior issues, I have a parent aide that works with me. Thursday, my aid called me panicked saying someone had called in a complaint because Ava came to school with a brace on her arm. I knew it was the school (again) and I cannot tell you how upset and furious I was at this turn of events. I called up the school nurse who was very cold. I was so mad I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Meanwhile, Elle was having severe tooth pain. Monday, I took her for an assessment, and she ended up going straight to the oral surgeon to get her baby molar pulled.

Not that she was real happy about that, but at least that was part of one problem solved. (She is still complaining about tooth pain and insists the doctor took the wrong tooth!) I had called a meeting for Tuesday at the school with the counselor and the vice principal, my parent aide, and myself. I'd had enough.
And not only that, I wanted to talk with them in depth about what we were dealing with in Ava. I wanted them to know that they were probably dealing with a degree of RAD as well as the PSTD and depression, and what those symptoms look like. Particularly the manipulation. I went armed with documentation.

However, the first thing I wanted to talk to them about was 'mandated reporting', which I understand. Until it reaches the point of ridiculousness. I did all the talking since they took the 5th and said they were not allowed to talk about the particulars. You see, in Georgia, anyone can call in and say anything they want to children's services and open an investigation. And they can keep doing it if they want to. It can be and ex-husband, lover, unhappy employee, anyone. They are anonymous, and they have no further duty or responsibility. The parent, however, is guilty until you can prove you are innocent. While this is set up to protect the children, there is obvious abuses. The law also states that if the school does the calling, they have to have reasonable cause. I wanted to know why they thought they had reasonable cause, but they would not tell me anything. I pretty much told them what I thought about that, and I pretty much pissed off the vice principal from the get go. The feeling was mutual, and it was a good thing my aide and the counselor were there because they managed to keep the meeting flowing. I think he and I might have come to blows. ( I kid. Sorta) Anyway, we discussed Ava's issues and her needs and how to get there, which looks hopelessly difficult at this point, but of course not impossible.

It is hard to advocate for your kid. I ended up taking all kinds of (figurative) body blows and left the meeting feeling beat up, but with some time bought. The good news is we were able to hone in on some more resources. In the end, at least for now, I felt they were on Ava's side. The VP, after much hostility, claimed at the end that he wanted us to succeed. Good. I am going to hold him to that.

Thursday, Ava woke up and refused to go to school. She had refused her morning meds the last 3 days. Somehow I got her in the car (carried her barefoot, but I had her shoes with her bookbag) She would not keep the door closed as I was driving, so I ended up having to call the Sheriff again. By the time the officer got there we both had to restrain her until the ambulance got there. Ava knew the ambulance driver from before, so she did at least get in willingly after he bribed her with some ice-cream. I called off work again. I met them all at the emergency room. We waited 4 hours for the mental health accessor to come. Later when the doctor told Ava she was going to have to go to the hospital in Atlanta, she went bullistic. It took one security guard, two nurses and a hospital tech as well as me and the doctor to restrain her. Then they had to actually put restraints on her and give her a sedative. They did not get around to transporting her until about 10 pm so I was in the emergency room for 14 hours. I am still exhausted.

Why do I write this stuff down? Because so much happens all the time, I think I would go nuts if I did not attempt to keep it straight. Also, I want the facts recorded. I may need that in the future.

Ava's therapist says he believes that residential treatment is best for her, and I agree. She just cannot stay on point right now, regular family life is too chaotic. Unfortunately my insurance does not cover that benefit. I'm working to change my insurance, which would not go into effect until the beginning of the year. And I don't feel she can wait that long. Every time she blows up she ups the ante. Now we have a team of agencies trying to work together to hopefully get some funding. The hospital has agreed that she can be released to their long term facility when the funding/benefit is lined up.
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Stevenson loves his Spiderman costume!!!

Meanwhile, trying to have a 'normal life'. Elle has been very disruptive lately. Stevenson has tried to copy Ava's behavior. They feel she gets all the attention, and they will do anything, including bad stuff, to get some for themselves. And so I am trying to deal with those side issues as well. Truthfully, I just feel tired. But I am also hopeful that things will improve, and I have not lost my faith.

Warm-up to Halloween

2010-10-31T14:00:00.000-04:00

Whew boy it's been a busy week-end! Got warmed up for trick or treat with lots of activities yesterday. Activities=LOC (lots of candy).

Elle finally got the long hair she has been dreaming of!

I think Ava may just have been happy to be at home. She is doing well.

Great Day Out...Warm Up For The Real Thing..TONIGHT!

3 Short Weeks Ago

2010-10-22T07:00:00.002-04:00

I took these photos 3 short weeks ago. It was the end of summer, the end of an era. Since then my little girl in the green shirt has been hospitalized 3 times. She is there now. Again.

As she says, it's not fair. She had been home only 2.5 days. It was not her overt behavior that got her there this time, it may be her meds. At any rate, she reported hallucinations and auditory hallucinations for two days in a row. This is a new one, and I'm not entirely sure it's not another call for attention. But since she told her teacher on Thursday the voice was telling her to kill herself, she ended up as admitted, again.

That is when the hospital staff got to see the other side of Ava, and they were frankly shocked. She did not want to be admitted and she put up a tremendous fight. One of the nurses escorted me ahead, as she said, she thought it might get "hard for me to watch", but I think she meant ugly. I informed her I had seen it before, it's what got her admitted the first two times. As we were walking down the long hallway to the children's unit, the intercom came on "Code One---Assessments! Code One---Assessments!" and since we had just left assessments, I looked at the nurse and said "is that her?" to which she ruefully nodded an affirmative. Then hospital personell starting flying past us in the direction of assessments.

I wished I had a team of hospital personell at my house before she was admitted the last two times. Then I remembered, I had, the last time, it took 3 EMT workers to get her strapped on the gurney, and the screams could have awoken the dead, and surely did wake up the neighborhood. The last thing I heard that night before they rolled her into the back of the ambulance and closed the doors was a blood curdling "I WANT MY MAMA!"

But that was then. This was now. They put me in a seperate office on the children's unit. And it was about 7:30pm so they were in the middle of family visitation. I heard them bring her in about 10 minutes later. Well, I heard her, let me say. She was still screaming "I don't want to go!" and they must have taken her somewhere that was soundproof because after that it was much harder to hear anything although I heard some intermittent yelling/screaming. The floor nurses were standing around with their mouths open, 3 of them were standing out side the room I was in, and I could see them because the room had big glass windows. They were saying "Oh my word!" and "I have never seen her act anything like that before!" and on, and on and on. I finally walked out there, and of course it took them a few seconds to realize I was her mother. I said "This is the kind of behavior that got her here the first two times. But this time, there is a problem with her meds, and she does not want to come in, and that's why she's mad" One nurse said "But she is always such a sweet little meek little introverted thing!" I just looked at them, and they moved off. And I don't care what they thought of all that. It is what it is. The nursing supervisor flew into the room and asked if they could have permission to administer a sedative, that she was very aggressive. I said yes but don't give her a pill, she probably wont take it, she said no, it would be a shot.

The nursing supervisor came back in a little while later and she was still out of breath. I could relate. We went over some formalities, and then she said I needed to go, they did not want Ava to see me, as that would continue to upset her. So I left.

I don't cry alot, but I do seem to weep. As difficult as it is, I have to do the hard thing in order to have a hope that she will get better. I hate to have to restrain her or have her restrained, and yet her behavior sometimes demands it. She hates restraint more than anything, and I get the feeling this might go back to probable sexual abuse. The nursing supervisor did ask me about that again, and I told her it was very likely, so she might have had the same thoughts.

I have to give Ava credit where it's due. In her short hiatus at home, she was very motivated to control her anger and work with the tools she had been given. One of Ava's issues is manipulation, and the lying that comes with it. It seems to be twisted very deeply into her pyche. It was probably her survival mechanism in Haiti, and it probably served her well there. Because of this, I have my doubts that the hallucinations were real, but maybe they were real for her. She was using terminology to describe them that she had learned at her previous stays at the hospital. These were words she would not have known/used before. So it's just a big enigma, but when kids on meds start talking about killing themselves, you can't afford to mess around. You just can't.

Sorry for the downer, people. I hope things will be looking up for us soon and I can write a happy post. Previously the staff there have told me that she is totally able to rehabilitate, it's just going to take alot of work on alot of fronts. I needed to hear that, because sometimes it gets so hard, you just wonder if it will ever end, and what is going to happen; with her, with the rest of the family, with me. In the meantime, I'm leaning on the Lord, and if you are the praying type, I ask for your prayers.

Thank you.

A Song Almost Heard---Passing It On

2010-10-18T05:03:00.000-04:00

Courtney shared this from another blog.

As for me and my family, we are in these trenches. Where it will all lead, I don't know, but sometimes it just helps to share.

A Song Almost Heard

We Will Be Victorious

2010-10-15T08:10:00.000-04:00

One problem I have with picking up blogging again is that I don't know where to begin. So much has happened. So, I will just begin where we are.

Ava is currently in a behavior treatment center in Atlanta. This is her second hospitalization in 3 weeks. How in the world did we get here??? All I really know is that she has some very deep issues, and it is going to take alot of time and treatment to work it out. I did go back and republish some of my private posts that I wrote 9 or 10 months ago. As difficult as that behavior was to deal with, this has been 10 x worse. The strange thing is that for the most part, her "episodes" have been pretty dormant since that time. A few instances here and there. But what I see now in the midst of her completely breaking down (and acting out, sometimes violently) in front of authority figures such as teachers, principals, policemen and hospital workers is a child crying out, begging for help. It's not obvious with her anger and agression in the way, but I know she is not like that 98% of the time, and the contrast is startling. I can't help her all by myself. She needs, and is getting, a team. Her barriers to acceptable behavior are increasingly being torn down. What is left is an angry, sad, confused young girl, who is in addition, about to hit puberty. (But really, when people ask me if that could be her problem, I ask them if they have ever seen a woman go that ballistic over PMS, and they have to concur they have not. No matter how bad it gets. However, I concur that it could be a contributing factor)

She does have a diagnosis. It's PTSD and depression. I have a meeting with the hospital doctors today, so we shall see what else they have to say. She will likely be released over the week-end. Not sure she is ready, but I doubt they will keep her. Too many kids need those beds. When I go there, I see she is not, by far, in the worst shape. She is not suicidal, nor homicidal, although she can get very aggressive in the midst of her episodes. I just don't want her to get in that bad of shape, and untreated, it could happen easily.

What happened to our kids down there? I know there were (major) issues at the orphanage that were covered up. But some of our kids came into that place with problems, and I am not sure if she was one of them. Elle and Stevenson were in the same circumstances, and do not have the same issues. They have issues, of course, and I'm positive both suffered from abuse. But they seem able to cope, to go on and be happy. Not sure that Ava's age is the entire factor here.

At any rate, the way forward is intensive therapy, medications, and positive reinforcements such as support from extended family and other confidence builders. It's going thru these layers inside her bit by bit. The anger has to be dissipated in order to deal with the saddness. Abuse issues have to be dealt with as well, which, as her therapist says, could make everything worse before it gets better. Of course, he said that before we got into hospitalization mode. I hope it gets better, soon. Yes, I'm stressed out, but so are the other kids, including Lucas.

I took a demotion on my job earlier this year. They did not take my money away, and I still have PLENTY of responsibility, but I have alot less stress, and I have much more support from the team I am working with when this stuff happens. My boss does not freak if we have a doctor's appointment. My boss and I are on the same page when it comes to what is really important in life. We're both serious about business, and I want to please him, but neither of us worship our jobs.

I do find that creating and promoting my jewelry is a great stress reliever. It makes me excited and motivated. Believe me, I need that right now.

Pink Hearts and Flowers

And so, this is life right now. I can't sugarcoat it, it's too stressful. But I will say I refuse to give in to this evil. We are going forward, and we will be victorious. Victory may not look like what I thought it would 18 months ago, or a year ago, even. But I will not give up.

How To Cope

2010-10-11T12:37:00.000-04:00

Some of you may be aware that we have been seriously struggling lately, mostly with child behavior issues that have become severe. I honestly do not know where all of this is going to lead, but I pray for a positive end result, and intend to start blogging again regularly. I do not plan on cesuring my remarks, as I am so past that stage or my ability to do so. That said, I'm still a private person by nature and do not plan to bore you with every excruciating detail. Nor is my intention to hurt anyone.

So much has happened that I feel I will have to start with the present and work backwards. One of my goals thru-out this ordeal of late is to get my life back. Oh, I realize I will never get my old life back, that is not what I mean. I mean to maintain my semblance of self, and get back parts that are essential and have been shoved aside. Because when you live in crisis, this can happen very easily. But I know it is healthy to maintain myself. It is my only hope, for me, and for my family.

One major thing that I have been working on for almost a year now is the launching of my jewelry site. Seriously, it has helped me tremendously to have this goal and work towards it, although I had to put it aside for huge chunks of time. It has kept me focused and happy, and I plan to continue and expand my role. But for now, I would just like to welcome you to Juxta-Pose. I also have a blog (of course!) that links directly to the studio, but also talks about the content. You can get to the Juxta-Pose blog with this link, or in the side-bar.

Thanks my friends and I look forward to more communication in the near future. I know you must be anxious for news of the children.

Memorial

2010-09-11T13:01:00.001-04:00

I Heart Faces---Photojournalism

2010-08-31T20:02:00.002-04:00

This week's photo challenge is photojournalism. Pictures that tell a story.

I took this picture in Haiti in December of 2007, from the upper patio at Wall's International Guest House in Port-au-Prince. The razor wire is on top of the wall that surrounds our compound. I don't know this woman, but I know she is bringing home a feast.

Although Wall's is still viable, I don't think I could take this picture today, as that part of the building collapsed in the earthquake earlier this year.

Don't Forget

2010-07-25T09:10:00.001-04:00

This year is more than half over, and so far it's been incredible! We are getting ready for the kids to go back to school, and amazingly, for the little kids, it is their second year! Not so much for Lucas, it is the last one for him. I'll have one in Kindergarten, first grade, third grade, and a Senior in High School.

Life is still very challenging at times. I have to ask God for strength, rely on family,friends, and church for support. I see Lucas struggling with all the changes. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and sometimes I even question whether or not I did the right thing bringing these kids home.

But I know the answer to that. And I also remember knowing it would be difficult sometimes. I know in my heart and soul we are all where we are supposed to be. It's just that sometimes I miss my old life because it was easier.

Then I see something like this (swiped from 'Livesay') and it removes all doubt. My rememberance comes back in a hurry. I remember to never forget Haiti.

Don't Forget Haiti: Tent City from Ryan Booth on Vimeo.

When?

2010-07-05T08:31:00.000-04:00

When will I start blogging again??? Soon, soon, for all 4 of you checking on us! We are well, and we have been very busy. An internet break was needed, and has been beneficial. See you soon...!

International Adoptions in Haiti Resume?

2010-04-08T12:15:00.000-04:00

I just recieved a note from the State Dept. saying that the issuing of Humanitarian Parole Visas for Haitian Orphans in process will come to an end on April 14, and:

"The government of Haiti has already begun accepting new documents for adoption cases and the U.S. Embassy in Port-au-Prince has resumed regular processing."

I will be interested in seeing how this goes after all the hoopla caused by certain "humanitarian" groups. FYI, I am done adopting from Haiti, but have recieved many inquiries from others that are interested in it.

Parents Reunited With Baby Pulled From Rubble in Haiti

2010-04-07T10:47:00.004-04:00

FOXNews.com - Parents Reunited With Baby Pulled From Rubble in Haiti

An amazing story!
This couple was granted HP in order to be reunited with their baby. The news conference was held at His Home For Children in Miami, the same place we picked up our HP kids....

Posted using ShareThis

Happy First Easter

2010-04-05T09:41:00.000-04:00

It was the first Easter for all of them. Ava helped dye the eggs the night before, and she got a kick out of that. Stevenson picked out his suit, and he was darned proud of that tie, let me tell ya. The girls went to the salon for the first time. Could Elle and Ava be more different???

Palm Sunday, Sad Tuesday.

2010-03-30T15:45:00.000-04:00

Sunday we went to evening service instead of our regular early morning. Usually we don't have evening service, but every other month the church has a worship service at night. It literally rocks, off the chain! we have some very talented musicians in our church, and it's a good time. We also took communion. Usually Ava is in the kids service, and she had not done it before, but she and Stevenson were with me (Elle playing major video games with the rest of the kids---go figure) and I asked Ava if she wanted to take communion and she said yes. We couldn't leave Stevenson sitting there by himself, so I took him thru it. I was a little afraid because he had just been whining that he was HUNGRY and I was not sure what would happen, but he did fine. He did not ask for more bread. He did drop it on the floor before he got to the juice, and we had to start over, but other than that he did perfect. Being hungry, I'm sure he wondered when the heck he was going to get some real food! Ava has been asking me alot of questions about Christianity, which is encouraging. I have found that even though they attended church regularly and were from a devout family, they don't understand much of the concept. She knows all about Jesus, but she's asked me several times who God is. Also, they don't know the Christmas Story or the Crucifixtion or Resurrection or Passover either. So....lot's to try to explain in a way that hopefully they can grasp. Not so easy, since so much is paradox and mystery.

Overall, I feel like Stevenson's adjustment in our family has been going pretty well. Having him here with his sisters is like the final piece in the puzzle. It has brought Ava some peace, as well as purpose, and Elle loves having a mischievious playmate, when they are not fighting with each other. But I have worried about him because he has been such a stoic little trooper, a tough little guy. In reality, he is just a little child that has been thru a tremendous amount of trauma, and my gut feeling is that he has had alot of walls up. I even think he started that as survival behavior in the orphanage. He learned things in the 10 months he was there that he never did when he was with the girls at their birth parents. Like hitting, biting, and best of all, cussing. The cussing is in Creole, so I don't know he's doing it until his sisters tell on him, and they always do. He has let his walls down little by little. This morning he had a complete melt down, the first one. I had to drive him to school, and wait for his teacher to get there so she could take over. He did well the first 2 weeks, but his language barrier frustrates him and I think he is feeling isolated. And afraid. Even though he is in a very caring environment, and his sisters are nearby.

I'm wondering if I need to take him out and put him in preschool for the rest of the school year. Not sure if that would be good or bad, he'e be seperated from his siblings and he depends on them alot more than he would like to admit as a little tough guy. Part of me feels like it's the trauma coming out and it does not really matter what educational setting he is in, the stuff has just gotta come out. He brags to his sisters that he was not afraid during the earthquake or in Port-Au-Prince in the aftermath, or on the airplane coming to Miami. I don't believe that, but I will just have to wait until he trusts me enough to tell me the truth.

Crazy Kids, Spectacular Results

2010-03-23T04:17:00.001-04:00

Walked outside the other day to this, and them begging me to take their picture. So I did. Hambones, all of them! I noticed something else in the photos too, so I cropped it:

I love glass- reflection photography!

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Stevenson was in the mood to talk the other night, so I asked him (via translater) what happened during the earthquake. That boy laid there in bed and talked and talked and talked. I have no idea what he said, because everytime the translater (Ava) tried to say something, he would say "Shush Ti Fi!" The child was on a talking marathon! It's remarkable because usually he does not say much.

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After one week of school he has decided he does not like it anymore. I think he is just overwhelmed because of the language barrier, and hopefully he'll start feeling better about it soon.

Jellin'

2010-03-16T16:33:00.000-04:00

Stevenson started Kindergarten yesterday. He looked pretty scared when I left him there with his huge language barrier, but I knew he would be OK, and he was. For everything the kid has been thru in the last 2 months I figured this was one of the easier hurdles. And he was pretty excited when I picked him up yesterday. I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon :) but for now, he's good.

He is a quiet boy, well behaved, until he gets around his sisters and then they are a wild bunch, let me tell you! After school I took him up to the church yard so he could ride his bike. He was mad because his sisters are very fast without their training wheels, and they are also old enough to ride around the neighborhood a little bit by themselves, and he feels left out. His time will come soon enough!

People ask me if this is just so much harder now, but so far the reality is, it's been easier since he has been here. I know that sounds strange. It's more work physically, keeping up with laundry, cleaning, and getting three of them up and on the bus at 6:45am, but we are jelling as a family unit; the girls are more at ease, and even though they get mad at him (alot) for little boy reasons, they love him and love to play with him and take care of him. And so, that makes things easier.

Florida

2010-03-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

Just a few photos from our successful Florida trip. You can see in the first one he is kind of shell shocked. Ava took him out to play after about 15 minutes, and he started smiling. By the next morning he was posing like a movie star, and he has been wide open ever since!

Ti Gason

2010-02-23T12:26:00.000-05:00

This will be a quickie. My computer at home is down and I am at the library WITH MY LITTLE BOY!

Late in the evening of my last post, I recieved several frantic phone calls. I did not hear any of them because I was in bed with the girls and knocked out like a light. Finally my older son came to the door and said "somebody must be trying to get ahold of you"...it was 10pm.

It was a messege from the orphanage director...Stevenson was on the plane!!! Getting ready to land in Miami!!! Wait...What???

The next morning I loaded up the girls and drove to Orlando, stayed with a friend. The day after that Ava and I droved to Miami, picked him up at the children's home and drove back to Orlando. The day after that we drove home.

He was so scared when he came into that room at the children's home. Totally shell shocked. It was great that I had Ava with me. She started playing with him and he came out of that in about 15 minutes. He has been doing pretty well at home. He is very funny. He calls Lucas 'ti gason' (little boy)...he calls the girls 'ti fi' and sometimes 'madame'. He calls me madame, sometimes mama blan. His heart has alot of healing to do, and I don't really think he knows what is going on. He misses his first mama alot, I can tell. So we have alot of work ahead of us.

I will post more with pictures, when I get my computer going again, but I just wanted everyone to know we are home and doing fine!

Double D=Drama+Delay

2010-02-15T07:00:00.000-05:00

Delay when it comes to international adoption??? You must be kidding!!!

Perhaps you detect a bit of sarcasm in my tone. It's my latest coping mechansim.

As you may or may not know, Stevenson was on the list (or supposed to be) that went to the Prime Minister in Haiti last Monday, the 8th. We got the call (from our internal network, not the G-Men, those guys never did call anyone!) that the signature was done, and those of us that were not in Florida already got moving. I had a flight out of Atlanta at 8:37. Just before I got to the airport, I received the messege that Stevenson was not coming with this group.

Wait...What???

I was encouraged to come anyway, the feeling being that his 'problem' could be remedied quickly and he would fly out on Tuesday instead. Admittedly, alarm bells were going off in me, because in Haiti, well, NOTHING ever goes as you think it will. However, I decided to go for it and hope for the best. My feeling was that I had everything in place (pets, kids) and also, I would be half-way to Haiti in case I had to go that far.

His 'problem' was that the Embassy did not like his identifying photograph, and there was another boy in the group with his name. So they rejected him. What I found out (much) later is that it happened before the list went to the PM, but nobody knew that. Nobody knew there was a problem until he was taken for travel that night with the other kids. Indeed, the next day he did have his photo redone, but he still had no signature from the PM. It took me 3 days in Florida and alot of phone calls and text messeges to find this out. Marie sat with Stevenson all day at the Embassy on Thursday, hoping the signature would come back and he would fly out, but it did not happen, and when it was said and done, she told me not to worry, but go home for now. The Embassy was closing for 4 days plus the week-end, and so nothing was going to happen for awhile.

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One good thing that happened was I got to meet, in real time, people I had 'known' for years through our adoption group, people who's stories I had followed and who had followed mine. I got to see their kids come home. Some of them had waited for unimaginable amounts of time. I also filed my paperwork at the children's home where the kids are recieved.

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I spent my time at the hotel trying to make contact with US officials and others who could make something happen. The good news is that they are now fully aware of my case! But finally I had to get on that last plane out of Miami on Friday and fly back to Atlanta, landing in a snowstorm. I was on the road by 5:30 pm in all that lovely traffic and about 4 inches of snow with 3 passable tires and one bald one. It took nearly 4 hours to get home, which is about 2.5 times longer than normal. But I made it safe and sound, praise God!

Elle did fine on her extended stay away from home, but Ava... not so much. They stayed with my ex-husband and his wife (I know, we are the wierdest family in the world) and Ava and his wife Emily did not hit it off in the long term. If I were to give it a short diagnosis, I'd say they are both just too much alike. Both pretty much Type A personalities. Poor Ava cried every single night for me to come home, and by the last day, she was a pretty difficult child.

I was afraid that the rest of the week-end would be rough as a result of all that, but she just seemed happy to be home. Saturday she would not let me out of her sight.

So, I am here. Waiting again, to go.

Part Of The Miracle

2010-02-03T14:42:00.001-05:00

Haiti from Compass Church on Vimeo.

He got some his facts wrong, as he was told the story second hand, (ie I'm not a school teacher, but my salary is equivalent to that! And Elle would die if she knew he called her Ellie, lol) but the result was that we reached our entire goal in one week! It was amazing!

Our church rocks but it's not huge. It's not rich. Right now it's running 12% unemployment. But they met the need, and it totally overwhelms me. They blew their own selves away with what they did. Grown men and women were crying. I did not cry. I might cry when it's all over, but right now there is still too much work to do. But God does not surprise me anymore by what He does when it comes to Haiti.

The majority of the money goes to Marie. Some of it will go towards adoption fees on the US side.

Truely a miracle.

Transporting

2010-01-30T06:31:00.000-05:00

Kids are starting to be transported out of Port-au-Prince again. In case I was not clear about this in the previous post, the Haitian and American governments put a stop to evacuations effective last Monday. There was concern about the process, mostly I assume the receiving end. Now there is a very stringent process in place which apparently will take many hours/days to get thru. As the rules seems to change daily, even hourly, I can only pray I have all that I need when our time comes. Right now I am praying that our time will come. Like others, I feel that time is of the essence. There is enormous politcal pressure surrounding the evacuation of these orphans, who were orphans before the quake, who were matched with American families before the quake. Please pray that Stevenson ("Estivenson" in Creole) will soon be reunited with his sisters and with his new mommy. Please pray for our PAC group, that all these families will be reunited, and soon.

Topsy Turvey

2010-01-26T16:11:00.001-05:00

What a topsy-turvey week this has been. Been told to expect our babies home at anytime since Friday, running around desperately trying to finish my homestudy update, having the chruch raise the entire amount for the adoption fees (!!!!) and then having the entire process put on ice. Sickingly wondering if they would ever come home. Hurting for myself, Stevenson, the girls, Lucas, and all our friends going thru the same.

It's been the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. Yesterday I was so depressed I could barely function. And yet somehow I knew we were not done yet, no matter how discouraging the news. So I held on to that gift of deep knowledge. It really is difficult to go thru all these extremes. Right now it looks as though it's all going to work out. The State Department and USCIS and the Embassy in PAP, and the Orphanages, and most of all, individuls on the ground, in ways big and small, working now to resolve the issues, move forward, and get these kids home.

Pray for us. We need all the help we can get!

Our Kids In Haiti

2010-01-20T05:03:00.000-05:00

I'm scrambling around for paperwork and funds. Please, please pray that it all comes together. My son is coming home, and Lord, I have to be ready.

The situation on the ground in Haiti is as I feared it would become. Beyond bad. The Joint Council released news last night that was very discouraging. Running out, some orphanages completely out, of food and water and fuel. Difficult to transport kids, and dangerous. The embassy is surrounded by people desperate to get in so they can get out of Haiti. There is no food, water, or 'facilities' at the Embassy. HOWEVER! We have a wonderful advocate gaining entry into the country today. Marie has been working on her end of the paperwork and this person will eventually be processing the kids out of there. There is much work to do in between and some of it is dangerous. There is no way for these kids to avoid danger at this point, so we must pray for their safety and their release.

For me specifically here is my biggest obstacle(that I am aware of)...I redid my fingerprints in March. They are in the database at USCIS...somewhere....old case is closed, but those fingerprints are not 15 months old...FBI says new fingerprints are two weeks out even expidited...USCIS are the people that need the prints.The irony is they actually have them from my previous case but they don't know it and/or can't/won't use them; how crazy is that? Do they not get that this is an EMERGENCY?

Haiti fatigue. It's setting in even as the situation gets worse down there.

Our Local Church

2010-01-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

Saturday we had a church meeting, in which I asked the Youth Pastor to pray for Haiti and gave him a short synopsis of the situation with Stevenson. I knew they were planning on praying for Haiti on Sunday and I wanted to jump in the loop. I was asking for the Lord to smooth the way for Stevensons journey home. We need all the help we can get! Wesley called me later and asked me if it would be ok to make the donation request specific to Stevenson and our family. This is the blog post they sent out on Saturday eveing.

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I’m sure your hearts have been heavy as you’ve heard and seen the devastation in the aftermath of this week’s earthquake in Haiti. Our immediate reaction at seeing something so tragic is wondering how to best respond to help alleviate the suffering. You may be wondering how we as a church can respond to this tragedy.

Tomorrow, at the end of our service we will be taking up a special offering for Haiti. We have a unique opportunity to reach out in a way that is very personal, and will make an impact for years to come. Please come ready to be generous tomorrow as our Pastor, Jim, shares with you the opportunity we have as a church to be generous and reach out in a powerful way.

James 1:27 says “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”

Compass, tomorrow we’re going to get as pure and genuine as we can get. I can’t wait!

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The response was overwhelming, both in terms of moral support and monetary means. I am so grateful and overwhelmed! God is great and God is moving! I will write more about this later, but I just wanted to SHOUT OUT to God for his grace and mercy.

Compass Church, you rock!

Today's Letter to the Honorable Hillary Rodham Clinton from the Joint Council

2010-01-17T15:16:00.005-05:00

The Honorable Hillary Rodham Clinton

Secretary of State

U.S. Department of State

2201 C Street N.W.

Washington D.C., 20520

Dear Madam Secretary:

First and foremost, we would like to thank you for your outstanding leadership in

coordinating the United States' humanitarian response to Tuesday's tragic earthquake in

Haiti. This is one of the greatest human tragedies in recent history. We understand that

the focus of immediate efforts is to ensure that all who survived this terrible disaster have

access to life sustaining necessities such as health care, food, water and shelter.

As you begin to construct the next phase of the United States' and international response,

we urge you to consider the needs of orphan children. As you well know, these children

are already among the most vulnerable and in circumstances like these, are at even

greater risk. Our experience has been that a natural disaster of this magnitude can not

only have serious effects on children previously orphaned, but sadly, also be the cause for

additional children to find themselves displaced or orphaned.

As we understand, there were approximately 20,000 children living in Haiti's 187

licensed orphanages prior to this disaster. The vast majority of these institutions are

located in Port-Au-Prince and the surrounding region. In a small percentage of cases, the

children are eligible for international adoption and have been matched with American

families.

With this in mind, we respectfully request that you give every consideration to

employing some or all of the following options for assisting Haiti's orphaned children:

 Ensure that these children are a high priority in all U.S. evacuation and relief

plans.

 Coordinate with U.S. based faith based and private relief partners to help

channel relief an appropriate level of relief to orphan children.

 Identify opportunities for temporary care and shelter within Haiti or Haiti's

border countries where these children could be safely evacuated.

 Exercise broad discretion in the issuance of humanitarian parole and temporary

visas for orphan children who have connections (adoption or familial) with

American families.

 Identify opportunities for orphan children to receive temporary care and shelter

within the U.S.

Attached please find a list of orphanages we know to be in the affected region. We hope

that this information and the above recommendations are useful as your team devises a

course of action. If we can be of any further assistance to you on this or other matters of

mutual concern, please do not hesitate to let us know.

Incomprehensible

2010-01-16T23:05:00.003-05:00

Well, I was private for two whole posts, and luckily I got alot of things out of my system. But our world has changed drastically, and so here I am again, open to the public. With my two private posts tucked quietly into the draft file.

I heard it said that the word has not yet been invented for what has happened to Haiti on January 12, 2010. It's incomprehensible. And sadly, I know that things could get worse for so many before it gets better. So that makes me crazy-hyperviligent. I have worried and cried for Marie and the children in PAP, for Veniel and his family and staff. It was such a relief to hear that they made it...at least, most of them. Veniel lost some staff members, I'm not sure who. And I just saw a blog that had a picture of the collapsed Guest House, and it's unrecognizable. Grief, frustration, helplessness, worry, obession. These are the emotions that have wracked me since Tuesday night. For all the people of Haiti. For the ones I know. Particularly for the orphans, including especially the new ones. For the families stuck in adoption limbo now that the buildings that house the files and the people that move them thru the system are gone. Incomprehensible.

The plight of the many existing orphans of Haiti has not gone un-noticed by Govt. officials, and for that I am grateful. A thinking person can only surmise that the orphan population of Haiti has exploded over the last few days. The ones in orphanages, and especially the ones that are matched with families may be the lucky ones after all.

One of those is my son.

I am glued to the computer, hoping to hear news of any sort on his well-being, as well as the direction of the State Department in terms of getting him, and the ones like him, home.

We were in the later steps of the beginning of the process. It seems the US Govt. is moving to bring home the kids who were slated for passports and visas. It seems that those that have finalized paperwork are going to be processed soon also. We were not at that stage yet, but I remain hopeful that we will be processed in some way in due time. Perhaps even faster than due time, because of the magnitude of the crisis. Before the earthquake, the orphan situation was often described as dire. Now it's...? Incomprehensible? I'm not sure that word covers it anymore. Before the quake, it was estimated there were 1 million orphans in Hait, in a population of about 9 million. Now? How many? Rough estimates on the ground say the number has at least tripled. All of Haiti is now officially a humanitarian crisis of epic proportions, and the children there are the most vulnerable. Especially those that have no family.

It's beyond fortunate that Stevenson is at the Les Cayes facility. Having been thru an earthquake of this magnitude I know they felt it, and they may have even sustained some damage, but the word out is that they are safe, they are fine. I'm relieved for that but anxious for the future. So I'm sure I will remain glued to my computer, searching for news of the next right thing to do to get my boy home.

If you wish to donate to our orphanage in Haiti, this is the link for that site.

The Dry Season

2010-01-08T15:23:00.003-05:00

This is classic Elle Marie. She goes pedal to the metal till she conks out. Doesn't everyone sleep in the car with their bookbag on as well as their BICYCLE HELMET????
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Ava has not had a melt-down in 6.5 days, although she was considering it this morning. That's quite a stretch considering how the last 3 weeks have been. Maybe we'll get through the week-end unscathed, I can hope. Although I have to say, before she started doing this on a daily basis, week-ends were the most likely time. Something about close proxcimity and not being on as tight of a schedule.

I do appreciate all your thoughts and prayers, your support, your emails, and sharing your experiences. I know many of us knew our adoptions would be hard, and we did our best to prepare ourselves, but I don't think anyone knew what we would really be dealing with. I'm talking especially to you, my fellow Haitian-Baby Mamas. You know who you are!

My sister is coming on Tuesday to stay for two weeks, and I'm looking forward to that for alot of reasons. My battery needs to be recharged. There is nothing like being around the people that love you unconditionally, for that. I was not kidding when I said I felt like I had lost a part of myself in all this mess. I've lost my baseline optimism, and my capacity for joy is buried deep inside me somewhere. I want to find these things again. They propel me thru life. I need these things back.

Damage Control (Long)

2010-01-06T06:16:00.004-05:00

It's difficult to know where to begin. I never intended for this blog to go private. I wanted to use it as a public advocation for adoption.

Instead, of course, this blog really became an outlet for me, more than anything else, especially as I was waiting for the girls to come home. It gave me a place to pour out my hopes and my dreams, and sometimes my frustrations. But since they have been home, and I am parenting in real time, there is so much less time for that.

I never dreamed that we would be in the position we now face. But again I find myself in the place of needing to arrange my thoughts and feelings in print, and hopefully hear some encouragement and/or sound advice. It's very tempting to remain in isolation. Not so much out of pride; over the last few weeks I feel I have been robbed of my optimism, my faith, my resources. Even though friends and family have been 'here' for me, and in spades. Intellectually I know God and angels are working for the greater good, but I have felt robbed of joy, or any capacity for it. That has felt especially ironic during Christmastime.

These are issues that for the most part, experienced adoptive parents, and even more particularly adoptive parents of older children are going to understand. Or fear.

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Both of my girls are strong willed. Both of them seem to have come from a relatively healthy first-family background. While their development is somewhat delayed, they react with 'normal' behaviors to situations. And so, some behavior has been very difficult, because they have reacted in a way that would be 'normal' for most kids that face relinquishment, orphanage life, and cultural relocation. They have both reacted differently because they are different personalities. For now, the focus is on Ava who is the older sibling of the two.

In Haiti, Ava appeared to me and others as having a cool, sweet, somewhat shy, good-girl, lady-like demeanor. I wondered if that would change when she got home. She went through the typical honeymoon period (as opposed to her sister, who was a pistol before she ever set foot on American soil---and I say that with love!) which I tried to take advantage of by bonding and teaching. She did display some early tantrums that were intense regarding schedules. She does not/did not like getting up 'early' and getting somewhere on time, and had several meltdowns over the summer regarding this very thing. She is very stubborn (they both are, I believe it is a Haitian tradition or maybe a gene??? No offense Glady, if you're reading this!) and I found she REALLY liked having things go HER WAY. Naturally this has led to a power struggle at times, because getting to school on time and/or taking prescribed medicine is not negotiable. Her stubbornness manifest itself in alot of other ways as well, but those have developed into the two main (unfortunate) power struggles. We have been late for work/school many times over the last 6 months. I have tried it all: time in, time out, love-fest, incentives, reason, bribery, manipulation, 'consequences', and yes, some spanking. But nothing has worked, partly because it seems to me that her stubbornness, which usually leads to tantrums (which is LOUD and very long) is not only about her inflexibility, but very much about being in control. While most of the outright grieving has gone underground, I realize it is still there and this is one of her ways of manifesting it. For awhile it seemed that the behavior was at least stabilizing, but then about 6 weeks ago, it started escalating. Where previously she might have a melt down every 10 days or so, they became closer together and very much more intense.

A little more background. Ava has adjusted well to school for the most part, although I think lately she has some problems with peer relations. (She will befriend someone, or allow someone to befriend her, but once she gets mad at them for a little thing, they are no longer her 'friend'. This goes on and on with the same kids, to the point that they seem less inclined to try to befriend her lately. She also 'tells' on them---tattles) She has had some chronic stomach problems that have caused pretty severe constipation and tummy-ache. She does exhibit some hypochondria but she's also had real problems, so it is a tricky tightrope to walk. She likes the attention she gets to get the problem diagnosed, but she does not want to follow up always with the correct medicine. Her stomach problems as well as the behavioral problems associated with it (refusing her medicine, suffering with stomach pain) have led to her to having a more intense-than-normal relationship with the guidance counselor and the school nurse. I have been confronted by the school on numerous occasions about her significant tardies. (I have also been confronted recently by my boss about my significant tardies and received my first ever write up. And that is pretty stressful. Who at this time can contemplate losing their job???) At any rate, the guidance counselor is aware that Ava has difficulty waking up in the morning, and put her on a incentive program that has helped somewhat with her behavior. Every morning that Ava makes the bus, she gets a sticker on a chart, and she gets a toy after 10 in a row. So she sees the counselor quite alot.

One day about 2.5 months ago, Ms. Kelly (counselor) called me to tell me that she'd had quite a discussion with Ava that day. Ava had told her:

She did not have any clean panties in her dresser-drawers, the idea either stated or implied that she came to school in dirty panties.

She did not have clean socks

She did not have a blanket for her bed

I sent her to school without snacks

None of this is true, of course, and I told Ms. Kelley that. Ms. Kelley kept insisting that they had all those things available to me if I needed them, (offering charity) and I had to insist that Ava had all those things, because she does!

I picked Ava up early that day for a doctor's appointment, and I while we were in the car alone I confronted her.

"Ava, Ms. Kelley called me today and told me that you had a talk with her. She told me you said you did not have any clean underwear in your dresser to wear to school"

A look of shock came over her face and she immediately started to cry. "I did not tell her I did not have any clean panties!" It was interesting that she used the term 'panties' when I had used the term 'underwear' so I knew they at least had the conversation. I continued to calmly go down the line of allegations, and then said, "you know that's not true Ava. Why did you say that?" She continued to cry and insisted that is not what she said. I asked her if she thought I took good care of her, and she said yes. I told her that she could not tell people things that would give them the wrong idea about me taking care of her. I told her that if anyone at school had questions, she needed to tell them that they needed to speak to her mama.

Not sure if she was absorbing any of this, I later told her that at worst, if the school thought I was not taking care of her, they could call people who could take her and Elle away from home in a police car, and they would go to live with strangers. To this day, I don't know if she understands that. You may think that is a harsh thing to tell a child, but it is unfortunately true, and I could see her careening dangerously down this disastrous path in the quest for special attention. The next day I called Ms. Kelley, and told her I had confronted Ava, and she had said that she did not say those things. Ms. Kelley, for her part, told me she had sat down with Ava and gone over the list of items again before she initially called me, asking her if these things were true. To which Ava answered affirmative to all. Knowing Ava, she is not aggressive in these situations (she may challenge my authority on a regular basis, but she would not do it in an institutional setting) she may have only nodded her affirmation. Needless to say, I was shocked, flabbergasted, and a little angry over this, but it faded quickly.

Fast forward to the beginning of December.

Ava's tantrums/power struggles with me intensified suddenly, and started coming a few days apart. I can't remember them all, there have just been too many, but one I remember came on because she was pouting in a store about something I would not buy her. (Hello! Budget! Another tough concept for these kids.) She was acting mean to her sister in her 'pouty-pout' which I put the kibosh on, which made her even more angry. Trying to cajole her out of it, I asked her why she had on her ugly face. That made her even more angry, but she controlled herself till we got in the car. During the short ride home she escalated into a full-blown tantrum. I had to physically carry her into the house, where she proceeded to plant herself in the kitchen (where I was working) and scream. There is no reasoning at this point. None. An hour and a half later when she was coming down from it, she finally yelled at me that I had called her 'ugly'. I don't know if that is how she really heard it or if that was an excuse to escalate her bad mood, but it took awhile to convince her that was certainly NOT what was meant by that statement. (BTW, her self-image seems to be intact, she informed me repeatedly during this that she WAS NOT ugly, to which I was of course in total agreement) I vowed to be more careful with my metaphors. But part of me to this day thinks it may have just been her excuse to take her tantrum to a grand-maul level. Because with her frequency and intensity lately, it just seems she has to have them. My gut tells me she has 'normal' levels of grief, rage, and denial going on inside her, which she has tried to suppress by being a 'good girl', and in control.

A few days later she melted down one afternoon when I found I had to go back to work for a few hours. Lucas was going to watch them; they've stayed with him for short periods of time in the past, so this was not new. But she could not handle the change of plans. At that time, it was the worst tantrum she ever threw. Sometimes she wants to go to her room to do this, but most of the time she wants to be in some body's face, braying and screaming as loud as she can. All the while, she is totally unwilling or incapable of talking or reasoning. It's just full-out rage, and whoever is in the way, (which is the whole family) gets the brunt of it. I put her in her room, to which she rebelled. She sat on the floor screaming, looking like a wild animal, threatening to urinate on the floor. I stood at the door, she kept on, but finally after about an hour, I HAD to go back to work. I had just received that write up, and another manager was working overtime to cover me.

Lucas is a trooper and has dealt with this before, with aplomb. But I did not get a mile down the road when he called me and said she had locked herself in her room and was threatening to break everything (including mirrors and windows). I turned the car around and went back. Her door was now unlocked and open. She was still sitting on the floor. Her eyes were vacant, but she was still screaming at the top of her lungs. I told her I was taking her to work with me (a risk and a big NO-NO, but I had no choice) and that it was NOT A REWARD but that we would talk about that later. She became quiet almost immediately, and I took the long way to give her time to compose herself. We talked about it a little on the way. She always tells me she does not know why she acts the way she does. I told her that for a little girl she had alot of anger inside her, and considering everything it was understandable, but we were going to have to find a way to get that anger out. I realized we were going to need a counselor of some sort. I found out later that she bit Lucas during that episode, also.

5 days later, she had another 'grand-maul' episode. Hard to decide if it was worse that the previous one, but very bad, and led to very bad results.

She woke up mad at the world, fighting me. Elle was already dressed and ready for the bus. She refused to wear what she had picked out the night before, and I had to force-dress her, which sent her off the edge. But we were on a schedule to catch that bus. To miss it would make me late for work (again) which would be very bad after the write-up. I went to get her socks and when I came back she had taken 1/2 her clothes off, bunched them up, and threw them in a corner. She got a spanking for that.

Now...let me just say, I'm not much on spanking. Not even my dogs. But there have been times that every one of my kids have gotten one, or a few, and they came out of it a better behaved kid, and no harm at all done to our relationship. And they never attempted those out of control or dangerous behaviors again. However, on this day, after it was said and done, I decided I was not going to spank Ava anymore. Because it was not effective. I had no idea how I was going to deal with her behavior, and I've tried all that I know. But I felt that continued spanking was going to damage US.

She was pulling away from me, lying down on the floor, squirming. I managed to get her decently dressed, but she was wearing a dress, and she was lacking tights, and it was 28 degrees outside and she HATES to be cold. I got socks and shoes on her, but she refused to wear her coat. By now it was time for the bus to come, so I handed Elle her bookbag and her coat and asked her to carry them. I marched her out to the end of our drive, trying to shield her from the cold but hoping she would get cold enough to relent and put her jacket on. She never did. She cried, screamed, and brayed, and tried to get away from me, but I held her shoulders firmly, standing behind her. When the bus came, I marched her across the street and put her up on the first step of the bus. She had quit screaming but she was crying. The bus driver talked her up the first step, then SLOWLY up the second. She finally made the decision to get on, and off she went to school. I went back in the house and looked at my face in the mirror. It was bright pink all over and I have never seen that in me before. I knew my blood pressure had to be out of this world. That is when I decided not to spank her again, and I resolved to find a counselor or psychologist. I went to work. I had an appointment for Ava in Atlanta that morning to see a pediatric GI specialist for her stomach/bowel problems, and we had waitied 5 weeks for this day to come. But my boss still had not approved my time off and I did not know if I was going to be able to keep the appointment or not. It was a terrible feeling. When my boss arrived around 9, I told her I needed an answer one way or the other, and she let me go.

(I have worked for the state for nearly 14 years. I have 1000 hours of sick leave accumulated. 327 hours of annual leave in addition. And 100 hours of comp (overtime) hours. But all of that is another rant for another day.)

I raced back out to our country school to pick-up Ava and make the drive to Atlanta. I asked her if she was ready to spend the day with me and she seemed over the tantrum and happy to be with me. The wind chill was up, and when I looked at her poor exposed little legs, they looked ashy. I had some lotion in my purse and she put it on. I also got horribly lost on one of the 5 Peachtree Streets in Atlanta and was horribly late and almost crying from the stress of it all, but the doctor agreed to see her anyway. And we actually got a diagnosis! And a treatment plan!

Basically she is chronically constipated, and her lower bowel is stretched out and not working well at all. It takes her days to go, accompanied with sometimes severe stomach pain, and it also causes leakages in her panties which she has no control over. Even though, three weeks later I still struggle to get her medicine in her, she is doing much better. She promised the doctor she would take her medicine everyday. But she has not kept her promise. However, her condition has improved, because he taught her how to reposition herself on the commode, and so we are having some positive results.

Anyway, back home again, picked up Elle, grabbed some dinner, went back to the school for the Christmas program.

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I wish I was done with this story, but unfortunately there is more to come.

The next night after work/school, I had the girls with me as we were picking up a Christmas Tree. They mentioned that a lady had come to the school that day and asked them all kinds of questions. My heart sank. I asked them what kind of questions. They said she asked them about their spankings, how often, did I ever leave a mark? About their sleeping arrangements, about Lucas. Elle helpfully volunteered "and she put it all in the computer!"

I was literally sick to my stomache. It was a Friday night, and I had no hope of talking to any official from the school or children's services before Monday. I was not happy about that, but I also needed the time to compose myself. I asked Ava if she had told Ms. Kelley that she had gotten a spanking and she said no. I did not believe her.

The next day after talking to another adoptive mom about it, I sat Ava down and had another talk with her. I told her that after the tantrum the other day I had decided I was not going to spank her anymore. I told her that did not mean she would not have consequences, but that spanking would not be one of them, because it just seemed to make us more mad at each other and it was not helping. I told her we were going to go see a person called a counselor that was going to help us work it out. Then I said I did not know what she had said at school but whatever it was brought the lady with the computer, and that was not good. I told her that this is what I was talking about when I had said earlier that if the school and the state did not think I was taking good care of her, they would take her and Elle away from me in a police car and they would live with strangers. I asked her if that was what she wanted, to which she replied "NO!" I also told her that if it continued it could cause Stevenson to never come home to us. I told her 'this is not like Haiti'. Most of this did not seem to make a dent in her physche. I don't know if she does not understand or if she just magically thinks it will go away, but there seems to be a definite lapse in her comprehension of the seriousness of the problem(s). However, I had several crying spells thru-out the day which I just could not get a handle on, and this totally freaked her out. She begged me to quit, saying if I did not, she would have to cry to. Which she did. I managed to get us both calmed down eventually.

But I was devastated. I have been thru some things in my 1/2 century of living, but I have never felt like that. Devastated isn't even really the word, it's the only one I can come close with.

I tried to go on with business of living. Ava almost immediately regressed after our talk and crying session. To about 5 years old. Baby talk. Immature behavior. My heart was breaking for her. My heart was breaking for me. And underneath it all, I knew I was angry. While I intellectually knew she was and has been struggling with issues no child should ever have to, I felt completely betrayed. By someone who had no real comphrehension of her actions. I worried for our bond, and I felt disconnected and distant. She sensed it and has had a tantrum nearly every single day, often crying that I don't love her anymore. Assuring her I do, but not knowing how to help her. Things started getting a little better around right at Christmas, at least with the regression and the insecurity, and the re-establishment of some bonding. But she raged almost everyday of our two+ weeks of vacation.

But---anyway, back to the story. The following Monday I called the school to speak to Ms. Kelley who would not return my phone calls. I finally got her on the line, to which she told me she could not discuss
the mater with me and referred me to the woman at DEFACS with a phone #. By this time it was 12:30pm. I could not reach the woman but left a message with her main office. She finally called me back later in the afternoon, and we agreed to meet at her office at 5 pm. She apologized for not calling me on Friday, stating that one digit on my phone # that she had been given was incorrect, so she was glad I had called and left it that day. I wondered how many years I shaved off my life going thru that week-end not knowing ANYTHING.

Later at her office she read the 'charges' which indeed had come from the counselor (although she was 'not allowed' to tell me who filed the report. I knew.) It seems the day of the school bus incident, Ava had gravitated into Ms. Kelley's office and said I hit her all the time with a belt, I yelled and her all the time and was mean to her all the time. Reporter said she exaimined child for marks but did not find any. Ava said she had stomach problems and I would not take her to the doctor in Atlanta to fix them. (Reporter said in statement she was confused because adoptive mom did indeed come that day to take Ava to Atlanta to see special doctor) Reporter said Ava had some issues with body odor and was not sure she was properly bathed. Then there was a statement from the teacher that misconstrued a conversation I had with her which added to the body odor issue. (I will give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and believe that she misunderstood what I said in that conversation) Reporter also stated I had a gun in the house that Ava knew about. (Ms. Kelley and I had that conversation earlier in the semester when she called me about it, concerned. This is apparently another thing Ava has told her. I assured Ms. Kelley it was not loaded, and that we did not even have any shells for it in the house. Which is true.) Ava also said I slept in every morning and that is the reason she is late for school so much (!!!) Reporter stated at the end that she just did not know who to believe anymore and was turning it over to State authorities.

I think there was more in there, but that is the main stuff, and pretty much what I rebutted on. I told the DEFAQS woman about the incident getting ready for the bus that morning. Also said Ava had alot of anger, alot of tantrums, and I had come to conclusion that we needed some counseling to resolve these issues. I told her that she had bitten Lucas and that her tantrums were disrupting the entire household. I told her about the GI specialist's diagnosis, and that is what I believed was causing the body odor. I said my 16 year old son owned a shotgun but had no shells for it, and I had already discussed that with Ms. Kelley. (BTW this is perfectly legal in Georgia) I told her that I got up every morning between 4-5am and had for the last 10 years, at least. (That seemed to shock her)

She said that my account of the school bus incident matched what Ava had told her when questioned. Ava admitted to taking her clothes off and throwing them in the corner. She asked me if I'd had any counseling before the adoption and I said no, it was an independent international adoption and I had not used an agency, but I had self-educated as much as possible. It's funny, she never asked me how I did that or what books I'd read. She said that lack of counseling surprised her, considering that we were a 'blended' family, she thought it would be required. She also asked me if this was an open adoption, and I said no. She said 'why not?' and I informed her that international adoptions are generally not open. This really seemed to confuse her. It was as if she almost wanted to argue with me about that.

I told her that Ava obviously had alot of anger inside of her and I was very concerned about her lies. That I planned on seeking counseling and that I wanted to help her, and help me to deal with her as effectively as possible. She did ask me about my support network, and seemed satisfied with that. She said she needed to come to the house, and also that she needed to interview Lucas. We decided on Thursday at 5:30pm. That gave me 3 days to give my house a major housecleaning, with the help of some friends. It also gave me time to find a counselor for Ava that my insurance would pay for. I was dismayed to find that the 'adoption experts' recommened by the social worker, as well as by the local adoption resource website were not covered by my insurance. I ended up choosing a woman who's main focus was child and adolescent behavoir. It turns out she also had some experience with adoptive families and those very special behaviors. I secured an appointment for January 4th. With the holiday upon us, it was the best I could do.

The home visit was fairly uneventful. She looked at the house (appropriate), the food supply (ample), and talked with Lucas briefly. She asked me about counseling and I told her I had an appointment. She wrote down the name of the phychologist. She said she would be wrapping the case up before Christmas, as soon as she talked to my two references. She did mention that she was not too concerned.
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Ava, as I stated earlier, melted down almost every single day of our vacations. Some tantrums were the full out crazy version. Others were a bit more mild, exhibited as just extremely defiant remarks and behavior. Sometimes I would just hold her to restrain her while she was screaming. One time when her behavior got just outrageous, I took her bike away from her and told her she would have to earn it back. Which she did. The next time I took her doll away, same drill. She was very angry about this.

No matter the intensity of the tantrum...and they are ALL intense on some level...they share similar charactoristics. They last about 90 minutes. After about an hour (give or take) she'll ususally get to a point where, even though she is still upset, she becomes reasonable. This is what I consider the window of opportunity to discuss briefly how is she feeling, why is she angry, (do not always get answers here) and what 'we' are going to do about it. Then she flips back to being a pretty much delightful child. Night and Day. Jeckall and Hyde. And just that fast.

During these times, she has threatend to hurt Elle, threatend to urinate on me, threatend to climb out the bedroom window and 'run away'. She has gotten down on the floor and rolled her freshly straightend hair in what ever kind of debris she can find. She told me during her last 'big one' that she wanted to 'go to Jesus' and in case I wasn't getting her meaning, she said she wanted to die. Also during one of her big ones, she told me she wanted to go live with her first Mama in Haiti. I have told her on many occaisions this is not going to happen, at least not while she is a minor. She argued with me about that, saying her first mama wanted her back. I had to remind her that she had been relinquished. In love, but relinquished by her parents, none-the less. She said no, that's not what happened, that the orphanage director had asked for her and thats how she ended up adopted. I had her relinquishment papers in my brief-case, I had just seen them again that day, looking for some other important papers. Those documents always make me so sad. But I knew in her state of denial, that even showing her those papers with her first parents signiatures and the court (Haitian) stamp, that she would never believe me anyway.

Elle sees this going on, and unfortunately has been trying to emulate her lately. So this is an unfortunate turn of events. Elle came home out-of-hand, and I worked for months to get her straight. I am upset to see this regression. Ava, for her part, did not have a tantrums the last 2 days of vacation, and so now she has been tantrum-free for 3.5 days. Elle, however, has turned up the volume.

Ava and I saw the psychologist on Monday. It was a preliminary appointment. She and I met privately for most of the session. She is rightly concerned about many of these behaviors and plans on doing some baseline pychological testing. Ava was very introverted when she came in to talk. She sat on my lap, would barely talk, and said she wanted me with her for our sessions, which I was relieved to hear. The phychologist told her she wanted to know all about Ava, and help her to be happy here in her new life. Next appointment, next week.
BTW the social worker has yet to 'wrap' this case, and send her letter as promised. Feels like cruel and unusal punishment.

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I'm not really a 'counseling' type of person. I've had some, particularly before and after my divorce. While I found it at times to be somewhat beneficial, I never found it to be overwhelmingly so. Personally I have seen more lives changed by the power of Jesus Christ than anything else. And certainly, I am praying. And if you are the praying type, I ask you to do the same for our family. But, that said...I'm certainly not against counseling, and I am up against the wall. The state is involved. The girl's custody could be in jeopardy. Ava is telling 1/2 truths and outright lies that could damage her, her sister, and prevent her little brother from joining this family. Her behavior affects Lucas, and it certainly affects me. I realize that Ava is not the only one that needs as much help and support and she can get: so do I. And so, here we are. Living the life, fighting the good fight, and waiting for the next step.

Celebrating The Season

2009-12-30T07:19:00.004-05:00

Lots of images on this post. Has been a very busy season, and more-than-the-usual stress involved. Still planning on going private, but I wanted to post these pictures before they became obsolete!

My kind and supportive friend Janet took the girls for most of a day to give me some private shopping time. They got all dressed up and went to the mall to see Santa.

Janet got to try out her new Nikkon, with spectacular results!

The girls asked Santa for bikes this Christmas. Guess what Virginia? There IS a Santa Claus!

They asked for the training wheels to come off after the first day. Ava took off like a pro on the very first push! Elle is still working on it. She has the balance thing down but still working on control, which she lacks. And all she really cares about is speed! Lord help me!

Christmas is not complete for little girls without new dolls. Ava named hers after me. Even though it looks like her.

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We also had a birthday in there. Elle turned 7 three days before Christmas. We had her little party on the Sunday before the holiday.

She had a little bit of a hard time understanding the whole concept. Because she has never even celebrated her birthday, or known when it was, I have been telling her for months it was 'at Christmas'. Then I had to explain to her that her birthday was on the 22nd but we were having the party on the 20th. By the time it was all said and done, she thought she was having 3 birthday parties, and had a bit of a meltdown when she found out that was NOT the case! Luckily, Santa Claus and his visit made up for all that misunderstanding, and hopefully we have it down for next year!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T09:40:00.003-05:00

Don't forget to turn the music off at the side bar...

Going Private

2009-12-22T07:16:00.002-05:00

Have not wanted to do this, but have been considering it for awhile. Now, even more lately. There is no guarantee that I will write more, but I do need to write honestly, and feel like I'm having to sugarcoat or omit right now for protection.

If you are interested in following us please send me your email on this forum.

Thanks!

Still Marked By November

2009-12-02T07:22:00.000-05:00

I did not exit unscathed from November. On Monday, the last day of the month, I found out that Stevenson is OUT OF IBESR!!! This is truly amazing, a 5 month stay. Even M., the director of the O is amazed. The ONLY reason I can think that this happened is that I was granted dispense for the girls only 18 months ago, and perhaps they piggybacked it.

Of course there is one small glitch with the paperwork: the child emerged with my maiden name attached to him instead of my name, which is my married name. And I found out something interesting about Haitian culture. In Haiti, if you get a divorce, the women's name automatically reverts back to her family name. M. could not fathom why we don't do the same, and I told him it was because of the children. This did not happen with the girls, but, you know, personnel changes in these offices, so who knows why. She thought it would be an easy fix.

As always, this news is bittersweet. To my adoptive friends that have been waiting so long for dispense and approval, I am so sorry you are still stuck in this process, and I know the feeling well. If there is rhyme or reason to Haitian adoption, I can't figure it out.

My Final Benediction

2009-11-29T03:30:00.001-05:00

For the past several years November has brought gifts, news, events, and epiphanies that have foreshadowed and changed the course of the rest of my life. So far this year I am free from that, but there are still 2 days left in the month. So there is still time.

Each event has built upon the other. I suspect that this year's event is only that I share what happened last year, as I promised at that time that I would.

I'll go backwards just a little.

It is beyond ironic to me that November is National Adoption Month.

In November of 2006 is when God first placed the desire to adopt in my heart. Once that happens, for those of you who know, there is no place to go but forward. You can think about it, analyze it, parse it, slice it and dice it, and try to run away from it (I tried all of the above and more) but it is in your heart. If you are honest with yourself, you cannot get away.

In November of 2007 my long-term boyfriend/fiance broke up for good, forever. Yes, I know I wrote that it happened in June of 2007, and that is when I started adoption proceeding. That is true. I also wrote that there was a coda to the story, and the short version is we had one more get together that lasted about a month. When I told him I was adopting Ava and Elle, he turned on an immediate dime and it was really over. 5 + years down the drain.

Then last November on Thanksgiving Day I received a phone call that rocked my world. The younger brother of my girls was being placed for adoption. Did I want the opportunity to adopt him?

It was actually a whole lot more complicated than that, but that was the jest of it.

Did I? Well yes, I did. With all my heart. But I was in complete shock. I was near the end of my financial allocation for adoption, and there was no more. I said I had to think it over (pray about it) and try to get some clarity.

I will say this. Even though my first adoption was not complete, I had it in the back of my mind that there was one more child for me. I chalked this up to a sort of a phantom fantasy. It seemed that the actual reality would only upset the apple cart in my perfect world. (lol) However, it was clear enough in my fantasy that this child was a boy, under the age of 5 with brown skin. I had researched domestic adoption again, and only come up with frustration. Then I started looking at the little boys at the "O" that needed families, but I did not feel led in that direction. At which point I would laugh at myself and tell myself I must be freaking crazy.

That's one reason the phone call was so shocking. It addressed my phantom feelings/fantasy and more. Stevenson was 4 years old, just a little over a year younger than Elle. It felt like a missing piece of a big puzzle. (For one thing it explained to me her 'middle child' behaviors that I had already experienced on my visits.) I realized that Ava was 4 years old when he was born, and that she was probably very attached to him. (I found out I was right about that)

It was just Lucas and I for Thanksgiving that day. So after I got off the phone, I told him. He said he thought I should do it. I told him I wanted to, I just did not know how I was going to manage it and I was not going to make an emotional decision. My entire body felt like it was buzzing, literally. And that continued for days. Which is exactly how I felt the first time the desire to adopt was placed in my heart. I knew I had to make a decision. I knew what my heart wanted, but I just did not know how I could do it. A brief hard look at my finances told me what I already knew: after adoption expenses, it was going to be TIGHT. And just where would those adoption expenses come from? Much less the $ for living day to day?

I will confess that I still don't know all the answers to those last two questions, a year later. But I do know that our lives are made up of a mixture of (mostly) self-determination, uncontrollable outside circumstances, and grace. I knew I was being graced right then. And I was afraid. But again, my heart was telling me to go forward.

After a nearly sleepless night, Lucas asked me the next day if I had made up my mind yet. I said no. "But Mom! What if he is meant to be the best soccer player ever and he never got his opportunity!"

That was kind of dramatic, but true. I ended up calling back 2 days earlier than I said I was going to and telling them I was going to do it.

"OK" I was told "But you can't change your mind about this."

"I'm not going to change my mind."

When I went to Haiti in April, I stayed longer than I normally would have because I wanted to meet and spend time with Stevenson. I was unsure how this was all going to take place on this trip, but the last night I was there is when M. brought him to the hotel, along with their birth mother.

It was a short visit, but one of the most intense 30 minutes I have ever experienced. In addition to extreme sadness there was extreme happiness. When I met this boy I was immediately taken with him. I was glowing. For days afterwards, even with all that was going on. For me, it was love at first sight!

He was smiley and sweet. His sisters were so happy to see him. Our time was very short together. I gave him a stuffed turtle which was really a back pack; it had a toy car ("machine!") inside and a pair of sunglasses.

I know it was explained to him what was happening, but I'm sure his (now) 5 year old little brain could not comprehend it. This was also the night that M told Ava and Elle that he would be coming to live with us. For all us, it may have been one of the happiest and saddest days of our lives. Ava cried herself to sleep, happy and overwhelming sad at the same time.

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He went into the orphanage after that. It was rough at first. He was so upset he did not eat for a week and he got sick, but they finally got him turned around. He's doing good now.

I'm glad he is well now but that broke my heart. Again. The choices people have to make in the face of that kind of poverty breaks my heart. I feel like if his mom has to make these kind of sacrifices and choices who am I to whine about money? It may not be easy for me, but it's attainable. I'm not fooling myself. I have to have some work done on my house (expansion)before I will be approved for another home study, and that is in addition to adoption expenses.

But the Lord has brought us this far, I trust him not to fail me now.

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I will continue to reflect on this turn of events as time goes on. I have a year's worth of thoughts in my rolling around in my brain, so trust me, I have plenty to say!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T07:20:00.002-05:00

So much to be thankful for this year. It almost goes without saying, except I say it anyway. To validate it, and give praise to the One from Whom All Blessings Flow.

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Lucas went to North Carolina with his Dad, and of course Nick is in California, so it was just the girls and I for their first Thanksgiving holiday. They are not totally convinced on this American traditional cuisine, but we reviewed the story about the Pilgrims and the Indians, and I talked about how they farmed and hunted and traded and worked the whole traditional food aspect of it in there so they could kind of understand. They liked some of it, especially in comparison to the cafeteria turkey dinner they were served about a week ago. After that, I was afraid they would never eat turkey again, but they did, and they liked it, and they proclaimed me a good cook and a good mama, LOL.

Hoping I'm not jinxing myself but life seems a little easier lately in terms of their adjustments. We are miles away from the beginning, and we never had really horrible times, but we've had some tough ones. Once in awhile that still happens, but everyday seems like we are making progress and improving our relationships and our bonding as a family. I know I say stuff like that alot, but it's because it's true. The first year IS hard, and it's not over yet but I consider myself blessed and I would not change a minute of it!

Race On The Playground

2009-11-25T08:01:00.003-05:00

Not the kind of race you usually associate with the playground.

This is a tough story to tell, and I only know how to do it in a straight-forward manner. I'm still in shock, and I don't know that I have any helpful insight or commentary at this point.

Except for the fact that we are on a furlough week, today was low-stress at work. It was the last day before our furlough-Thanksgiving break, which is 5 days, and because of our restricted hours, I actually had time (and just enough money) to do my holiday grocery shopping ALONE and pick up the kids early. When I got to the school, I walked in the front door and immediately sensed something was wrong. The PE coach was standing near the front door talking to a man and a little girl who were seated on a bench in front of the office. Coach runs the after school program, but he is usually gone for the day by the time I get there. (the YWCO counselors who do the bulk of the work anyway, finish the day) I recognized the little girl: she is in my Sunday School class. I know her mom, and I assumed the man was her father. As I walked by them he was asking her "was it the big one or the little one?" all the while following me with his eyes. I kept walking, but instinctively I knew he was talking about my girls. He may as well have said "was it the big BLACK one or the little BLACK one?" My kids are not the only black kids in aftercare, but they are the only ones that come as a package, so to speak. I thought 'I wonder WTH this is all about, and worked hard at keeping my anger and my panic level under the radar since I had no facts about anything yet. Just an instinctive fire alarm going off inside of me.

I got to the cafeteria and one of the YWCO counselors caught me at the door and said, "oh good you're here. Something happened today, and Coach needs to talk to you." I said "he's up front with L_ _ _ _ _ and her dad" the counselor said "well, I guess I need to tell you what happened today. Your girls are not in trouble or anything, but something happened"

I was glad he sorta clarified that. The girls have not had any behavior issues at school, but they've had some at home, and at that point I was wondering if some of it had spilled over.

But no. We went into the room next door and he proceeded to tell me that Ava and L----- had gotten into a minor altercation on the playground that included some shoving and some arguing. L----- ended up on the ground, and although she was not hurt, she was mad. At that point she called Ava the "N" word. Ava did not know what it meant but she knew it was bad. She must have said "I am not" because at that point L----- said she was because her skin was brown and not like her own.

I was so shocked I think you could have knocked me over with a feather. But my mind was racing. Where would this kid get this stuff and why did she think it was OK to bring it to school? All right, I realize that is not even a reasonable question sequence. The only answer possible is that she got it from an adult in her life and she is too young to control her emotions when she gets angry. But she must have known it was wrong because I found out later from Ava that she tried to apologize before Ava told anyone, and then she tried to lie about the fact that she said it.

At any rate, Coach finally came back and told me what happened. I asked him where he thought L------ got that word, and he said at first he was not sure because her dad was a policeman and he is Hispanic. He was 'interrogating' her when I walked in the front door, and he finally got her to admit what she did. Then Coach slipped a little and let me know that the Dad thought it came from Mom's side of the family, as they are divorced and apparently there is some animosity there. In my head I was imagining Mom and/or her family disparaging Dad, some of it based on his racial identity. I imagined if they had an issue about Hispanics, it did not stop there. Of course, L------ is half Hispanic too. And she is a very beautiful and sweet little girl. My heart is breaking for these little kids. But most especially for my own daughter. When we got home, I took her aside and asked her what happened. Her eyes started filling up with tears almost immediately, and spilled over when she got to the heart of the story. She definitely got that it was about her being brown and different, even though she did not know what that word meant.

I told her it was a bad word and we don't use it, and that L------ was in trouble because she did. I also told her it was not OK to shove little kids. But I told her most of all, "don't EVER let someone else make you feel bad about yourself by something THEY say. It's THEIR problem and those bad things are not true." I also told her that when Jesus looks at us he does not care or even see the color of our skin and he only looks at what is in our hearts, because that is what is important. That she is beautiful and we are all beautiful to Him. Also that if L------ apologized by chance, that she should accept her apology and not hold a grudge, because that is what Jesus would do, and what He would want her to do too.

She cried for a little while and I knew it really hurt her. And she does not even understand all the implications, she only knew that this little girl singled her out because she is different, and tried to make her feel like she was less than because of the color of her skin.

It may seems harsh that I'm tagging the Mom on this but there is a little history there. Mom goes to the same church I do, and like I said, her daughter is/was in my Sunday School class. But last Sunday, her mom pulled her out and put her in with the older age group, which is really not appropriate. It was obvious that there was a problem there, but I was trying not to take it personally. I really don't know this woman but I see her at school functions and at church and I am always friendly towards her. After church Sunday I saw her at a grocery store, and she obviously snubbed me. When I greeted her she turned her back on me.

I thought "Wow, she really does have a problem with me and I really don't even know her"

Based on all the evidence, I can only guess that she is one of those that 'does not approve' of my lifestyle. This is the same issue with my X-boyfriend/fiance' so it's semi-familiar territory.

I don't know what will happen next. L----- will be "written up" by the YWCO program. Yeah, she's five years old. I'm shocked that a 5 year old can be 'written up" but I guess it has to be documented. And it forces the parents to acknowledge it. It's really up to the parents to correct this. Church will be interesting on Sunday. There are at least 30,000 people in this county and probably 200 churches, and we happen to attend the same one. As well as Coach. He and I are on the same volunteer team.

I'm not a huge proponent of "political correctness", however I am even less a fan of hateful behavior. The huge majority of people I know or meet, Black and White, Hispanic and Asian, are pretty open and accepting of my family. Most people just love these girls. Still, it's jarring to encounter this personally, I won't lie.

And if you are thinking that the Deep South is hopelessly entrenched in this, I would have to disagree. Much has changed here, and in our country in general. I have lived in other places, and seen the ugly face of racism up close. I have always know it was morally wrong. The South has staged much of the institutional changes and there are still generations of grudges to be eased for people of both races. The media is obsessed with the dramatic. But you can encounter hate anywhere you go, as well as love. We can only hope and pray that love wins.

The Monkey Bars

2009-11-16T16:41:00.003-05:00

We stopped by the playground at the school on our way home from church yesterday. The girls have been itchin' to show me their prowess on the monkey bars. They have been working on this skill since they got home in April, you might remember their attempts over the summer...

And now, for some lady-like poses!

Gone Again

2009-11-07T05:47:00.003-05:00

My oldest has decided to go back to California, so we saw him off on Wednesday. I'm sad because he won't be close by, but I'm happy because he is happy. If those conflicting emotions make any sense!

Kickoff to the Holdays

2009-11-02T06:09:00.004-05:00

For me, Halloween always marks the beginning of the busy holiday season. Even more hectic, (and more fun) when there are little kids involved.

The girls adored the Halloween thing, and it took them no time to figure it out! Elle was a princess (check out the Barbie cowboy boots with her dress!....Princess Pistolero to be sure!) and Ava was an angel. She wanted to be a butterfly, so I let her think that angel costume was a butterfly costume, it had wings after all. And butterflies have halos, don't ya know???

We carved pumpkins in the afternoon.

Then got dressed and went to the open house at the Volunteer Fire Dept. The weather was strange. Rained during the day, and got really muggy, I had to turn the air conditioning on. Then it quit raining. Then it started getting cold, and started raining again, which is pretty much what it did for the rest of the evening. Mostly just drizzle tho.

Running in the rain to the VFD

Ava is checking it all out! Elle giving me an earful as usual!

Cotton candy for the first time...it looks so inviting, but it tastes so...nothing~ They decided they really did not care for it after all. After this we started the trick or treating. They were so darn excited and happy, they could hardly believe it. Suffice it to say, they LOVE Halloween!

6 Months Home

2009-10-29T09:04:00.004-04:00

I really can't believe I'm posting this. SIX MONTHS HOME!!!

It has absolutely flown by. I say that, and then I think of the days that seemed like they would never end. Those days are fewer and farther between...we still have some tough times, but they occur less and usually last a few hours at the most. I can't really complain about it because I know it's nothing compared to the level of difficulty that some families experience. We are blessed in that these girls came from a relatively stable home (I'm thinking that poverty and illness were the major instability factors) and their two years in the orphanage had lots of positives to balance out those negatives. They made lots of friends, they had lots of experiences they would not have had otherwise, and they knew their time there was limited. They adored and identified with the orphanage director, and always felt she had their best interests at heart. For all but 30 days, they knew I was their 'Mama Blan' and that someday they would come 'abroad' to live with me. (We are still working on the whole 'concept of adoption' thing. They accept I am their mother II, that Lucas and Nick are their brothers...they have difficulty understanding that they are my daughters...I guess because they know they were born to mother I)

They are bright kids. Elle is very athletic. Given her personality, in that she needs alot of attention and recognition, this is good and I plan on developing her in this direction. Ava is more cerebral as well as girly. She likes to make money. She's been telling me she wants to be a Taxi Driver because they make lots of money LOL She will ask for extra jobs to earn money, and she will scrounge change from every place she can think of and exchange it. She is very interested in school, and her reading is moving right along. She is on a first grade level at this point, but progressing. Her teacher's plan is to teach her both first and second grade this year. We work at it, and she's making progress. Her teacher found out what I already suspected: if we started her in the first grade, it would be almost impossible to bump her up. She figured if she put Ava back there for a period of time, to get her that solid foundation, she would move up fast. She found out that she would probably not move up at all, except one grade at the end of the year. Given Ava's age, this would not be a good scenario. Thanks to all you adoptive parents out there in the blogosphere, I figured this would be the case, and that is why I was adamant that she start in the second grade, even though she is older than most of her classmates. She is not the only 9 year old in her class however, nor is she the only adoptee or even the only one who's first language is not English. Which is pretty amazing when you consider our little country school.

Elle likes school especially for the social aspect, but she lacks concentration in all things academic. I wondered if she was disordered in anyway, because she is VERY ACTIVE, but then one day I watched her (at home) sit for hours and make seed-bead bracelets, and I realized that could not be the case. Her teacher confirmed that at our conference last week. She is NOT hyper-active. She is very active, however!

They both need extra help with language, of course. There is just so much to learn! But they are on track, doing well. Elle does slip back into using Creole for certain words sometimes, and she is babyish sometimes, but they rarely speak Creole amongst themselves anymore. I've tried to keep Ava interested in it, but she just is not, so I suspect she has already lost much of it. Their language teacher recommended listening to (children's) books on tape, which can be checked out at the public library. I will let you know how that goes.

They are highly competitive with each other over my attention. When they start talking over each other (and fighting about it) I make them raise their hands (like they are in class) and then call on them. They fight and argue and bicker, but if I separate them for any length of time they get anxious over the one missing. Suffice it to say their relationship is very complicated. I believe it has been incredibly helpful for them to be adopted together, even tho at times I have questioned my own sanity. Because sometimes it's just TOO MUCH! and I wonder if they are getting all the individualized attention they need. A new child in the family is a huge transition for everyone. Somehow, I have been given strength when I felt like I had no more. And I believe in the long run, it is what is best for them.

It's true what they say: the first year is very hard, and we are only 1/2 way thru it. But things are so much easier that they were 3 or 4 months ago. I have hope I might even get a semblance of my life back! Someday! Because I see glimpses of it now... I know we will never be the same, and I don't expect us to be. But I welcome the balance, and it feels healthy.

Fall Break

2009-10-13T18:00:00.000-04:00

The girls have been on Fall Break from school for the last 5 days. We had two really nice days without rain, and went to the ball fields to run the dog Sunday night. Also to run some energy off them!

Turnaround

2009-10-07T21:00:00.002-04:00

Just a short update on the situation I last posted about:

Until Monday, I had 4 superiors. Now I have 3. My immediate supervisor was let go.

The tension has lifted, and I feel free to do my job again. The managers I supervise feel the same. It's like we've been living a bad dream for the last 5 months. When things get this bad, I feel like all the life gets sucked out of me. The things that usually bring me joy seem meaningless, I feel flat. So I am looking forward to a return to my life. I knew I could not and did not want to continue that way. Even after 14 years it was forcing me to look elsewhere.

Apparently I was not the only one who felt this was a bad fit.

I do hate for anyone to lose their job, and I pray this person finds another one. But this person leaving was the best thing that could have happened to this establishment.

This was not the same person that chided me about my sick leave. So that may continue to be an issue.

It's amazing that I have struggled with so much of this for months, I post it and get an outpouring of support, and then it changes the next day!!! You guys are amazing!

MiA

2009-10-04T21:14:00.002-04:00

I've never neglected this blog for such a long period. There are things going on right now that I can't discuss on a public forum. Truth be told, I could use a few prayers.

Things with the girls are going pretty well, and especially under the circumstances. I am working long, long, crazy hours, and on top of that, we have gone thru a long season of illness which has included several bouts of H1N1, (more than two) and a hospitalization. I posted in anger about this a few days ago and felt compelled to take it down because my blog is not private. Let me just say that no one likes experiencing that their job might be in jeopardy. Not in this economy. Not when you are the sole provider for your family.

It feels weird to express this. No one likes a whiner or a complainer. It goes against my nature.

I vacillate alot between being really angry at things I have no control over and blaming myself. I'm also very tired. I no longer understand this world where the job is the most important thing in the world. Because I know in my heart and soul, that's a lie. Important, yes. The most important thing in existence? Uh...no.

But I do OK if I stick close to God and just take it one day at a time. I know He is bigger than any ridiculous political situation. Or any earthly situation, for that matter.

I also want to thank Janet, my former husband and his family, and my sons for their very real support. One way or another, I will make it thru this.

Never Forget

2009-09-11T09:39:00.003-04:00

Raining, Pouring

2009-09-10T04:32:00.005-04:00

I can only pray we are done with infirmities for awhile. Ava was just released from the hospital.
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After two days on the flu meds it became obvious that her stomach problem was not related to the flu. She still had the same pain in the same place, becoming more and more debilitating. By that time it was Friday before the long week-end, and the pediatrician's office decided to take an extra day off. So, I knew there was no hope of seeing someone before Tuesday unless we had an emergency situation. She got thru the next four days but she was in quite a bit of pain. It was not constant, but it was consistent. I finally got her in for a Tuesday afternoon appointment. I was hoping against hope that he would give her prescription for an intestinal virus and that would be the end of it, but after testing her physical reactions, he feared the strong possibility of appendicitis and sent us to the hospital. She immediately started to cry at this news, but we got her calmed down. I realized that her concept of a hospital must be a pretty scary thing. She also freaked out later when she had to go for her CT scan, but inserting the IV and drawing all the blood did not phase her. Fortunately her CT showed negative for an inflamed appendix, but unfortunately, it showed she had a huge intestinal blockage. This was baffling to me as she'd had fairly regular bowel movements over the week-end. But they gave her something in hopes of moving it and we had to stay until something happened. Or until they made something happen. Fortunately for Ava, 24 hours later, she moved it and they released us. After the freakout about the CT scan and her growing irritation with the IV hook up I was not enjoying the thought of her enduring an enema. I will forever have the image of her in her much-too-baggy hospital gown that came down to her ankles, in her stocking feet, walking up and down the corridor with her IV with beads in her hair and halfway down her back, click-clacking away. The good thing is the IV solution took away the pain.

I had to make a quick and unconventional decision concerning Elle. I asked my X and his wife to take her, realizing that our hospital stay was going to be more than observation. They were gracious and accommodating. I figured she was already familiar with them, she loves playing with their girls, and Lucas would be there too. But I knew internally it was going to freak her out. I told her I would come and get her as soon as possible but she was going to have to spend the night there and she could sleep in Lucas' room if she wanted to. I made her promise not to cry, which she agreed to. Then I said a quick prayer, crossed my fingers, and let her go. I talked to her on the phone a couple of times, but I was anxious. She did great, and she did not cry the whole time. But as soon as we got in the car she started melting down. I figured that would happen. I asked her "why are you crying now that I am here? You did not cry the whole time you were gone!" to which she retorted "because you told me not too!"

The real answer to the question is "because she can". She held it together while she had to, but obviously it was not that easy.

Then began the battle for Mom's attention. Big one because she'd had it exclusively for over 24 hours, and Little one because she had not had it at all. I won't lie and say things got back to normal after we got home last night. This whole thing threw everyone off kilter, and the two weeks of constant health problems has exhausted me. It's early morning and I can only hope it somewhat normalizes today. I'm going to work. I should be able to make it a whole day. That should please my boss.

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It was not all gloom and doom over the week-end. Ava had her moments that were pain-free, and at those times she returned to her happy self. They discovered this old swing (which is minus the actual swing) hidden away in my back yard.

Not to get overly philosophical, but I heard it said recently that it's the moments in life that make up our life. So I'm having to really learn to take the good with the bad. Not to let the bad color my day or even color my life. I've had a thousand bonding moments with these girls that I never have time to record here. Some unbelievable conversations. It's easy to get discouraged by the hard stuff but it's important to remember the value of perseverance and to cherish those 1000 moments. And look forward to the ones that will come.

"Will You Buy Me A Daddy?"

2009-09-03T07:37:00.004-04:00

Hello single parents. At some point all of us are going to hear some version of this question, and the fact is, there is not any easy answer to it!

I honestly never contemplated the (sometimes controversial) issues of single parenthood until I decided to become one. Even tho I am divorced my X and I have still raised the boys "together" and that worked out pretty well. Sometimes I wonder if I am shortchanging my girls because they do not have a daddy. There are plenty of people in the world that believe that it is wrong to raise a child without two parents, but the fact is, it happens. Parents get divorced, parents become widowed, and their are plenty of needy orphans around the globe that are---shall we say---extremely disadvantaged. Whose parents died in a war, or from a disease that they could not get treatment for, whose extended family cannot or will not take care of them. Kids who are starving, who may be ill, or even enslaved. It's all out there, a whole lot closer than we think, outside our 1st world bubble.

For me, I took the view that it was better for these kids to be adopted into a single parent home than to continue to struggle, not only to live, but to have some sort of a future. I also had wanted to expand my family for a long time, but the men I was with did not share my view. I decided to do something about it all before I got any older. I do believe, from my own experiences, that it's better to raise kids in a two parent environment and I am completely open to it, but right now that is just not the reality for me or the girls. I am grateful everyday for their first parents who provided them love and structure, even when it became impossible to provide food, health care and education. I am also grateful to my X (and I never thought I would say this!) for being there for the boys, and also, for providing a type of male role model/anchor for these girls. They adore him.

That said, here's the deal-io. We were watching "Hannah Montana the Movie" for about the 60th time the other day while I was doing Elle's hair. (BTW this movie also deals with single parenthood as one of it's themes) My favorite part of the movie came on, and as usual, I said, "this is my favorite part of the movie!"

What can I say? The man (still) has IT!

Elle looked up at me and said in all seriousness "Can you buy me a daddy?"
I did not mean to laugh but it was hard to help myself. I said "honey, I can't buy a daddy"

Ava said "You have to get married!"

Elle said "Well, I want you to get married, I want a daddy! He could help you!"

Ava "I don't want you to get married!" This is the second time she has expressed this, so I asked her,

"Why? Are you afraid he would take attention away from you?"

She nodded her head. She admitted it. I said "yeah, but you'd have a daddy!'

She shook her head. No, nada, negative.

Not to worry big girl. There is no daddy on the horizon right now. I'm sorry little girl, for now.

Then THEIR favorite part of the movie came on. Dance!

H1N1---Don't Panic

2009-09-03T07:00:00.002-04:00

Being the anti-hypochondriac that I am, I refused to believe that this would affect us. (Yes, sometimes I have a problem with denial!) But I am also dismayed at the hype that the media has given this issue. It strikes fear in the hearts of the vulnerable, which is just diabolical in my opinion. Yes, some people have died from it, and that is very bad but the media rarely report that people die of influenza EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

The fact is that this strain of flu is rampant right now, but at least in our region, it's not very severe. At all. Ava complained of a tummy ache the other night, and she did not want any Pepto. If you are adopting from Haiti you should probably be aware that your children may have more gastro-intestinal issues than other kids. Ava has them but they tend to be mild. Elle only has them when she eats too much. Their systems just aren't used to that much food.

I digress. Ava's belly hurt, but it was not crippling and she went to sleep. She complained about it in the morning again yesterday, on her right side, but I sent her to school anyway because it was not debilitating and hard to discern if it was serious. I was thinking---appendix?---but I knew the pain was in the wrong place. I got the phone call after I'd been at work about an hour. The school nurse had Ava in the clinic and she could not go back to class. By the time I got there, the pediatrician had closed for lunch so we just hung out at home. She was in good spirits and the pain pretty much was gone or was low grade, but I called the doctor's office anyway and they said to bring her right in. She also had a low-grade sore throat.

The good news is she has gained 4 pounds in less than 2 months. About 7 since she has been home. She is a very picky eater and is fully capable of going on an involuntary hunger strike when she gets upset, so I was happy about this. The bad news is he diagnosed her with H1N1.

He told me it was rampant right now but not severe, just give her the treatment and she would be fine. In all, she was/is not acting very sick. It seems to come and go. I'm keeping her home today to give her 24 hours on the antibiotics, and so she will not be contagious, but otherwise she is in good shape. It did take some work to find the Tamiflu. It was hard to find a pharmacy that had it in stock.

I realize that one of the concerns is that this flu will return during the winter with a vengeance, a stronger strain. At least, according to the media. Sure, that is a concern. Even if your kid does not seem that sick, have them looked at and get it taken care of now. Use your common sense to keep them as healthy as possible. I read somewhere that it was recommended that they stay isolated 7-10 days. The doctors are NOT recommending this because that would be ridiculous. Be wary of the hype. And above all, don't panic.

A Little Catch Up

2009-08-31T15:55:00.006-04:00

First of all, I'm going to bite the bullet here and start calling the kids by their real names. It's just feeling too contrived to do the alias thing. I feel like I don't have enough time to be contrived. The whole alias thing messes up my mental flow, and God knows I sure don't need that!

When the girls first came home I called them by their Haitian names. I told them when we were in Haiti that they had American names, and I told them what they were. They seemed fairly unimpressed and I decided it would be best not to force the issue at that time. I also figured out that if they were really freaked out by a name change that I could easily live with them keeping their Haitian names as their first names. As time progressed, we would occasionally talk about it but I still did not force anything. Then I enrolled them in daycare. I enrolled them as using their Haitian names as their middle names, since that was the plan anyway. At that point I was not that attached to the whole idea anymore, but their peers started calling them by their American names and by that time they were ready for it, and they accepted it with pride and pleasure.

Ava Widmina; now just Ava

Elle Marie Lovely; most of the time just Elle now,
or Elle Marie
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Elle Marie has been complaining about a toothache off and on and before I could get her in for a check-up, the situation deteriorated suddenly, and for the worse. All of a sudden as of last Wednesday she was in terrific pain all of the time, and orajel or Tylenol did not even touch it. I got her in to see the dentist Thursday, who referred her to a pediatric dentist. The cavity was right on a nerve, and that was the problem. Who unfortunately could not see her until today. The last 5 days have been pretty hellish. It's hard to have a baby that is crying in pain almost all the time. Hard on her, hard on everybody. She was prescribed Tylenol with codeine, which seemed to have a short shelf life when it came to pain relief and ending up giving her a stomach ache plus constipation on top of it all. Let me just say last night ended with a Tylenol PM for her and an adult beverage for me. Today we went to the dentist, and I knew it was going to involve sedation, so I was able to explain that to her. After looking, the dentist decided it was going to be best to remove the baby tooth instead of trying to save it. I explained all that to her as well. They took her back and it was all over with pretty quickly. She did well, and did not cry.

Until she got in the car. Then she started mourning that tooth. She did not believe me when I told her another one was going to grow in it's place. By the time we got home home she was in a full on rage. She raged over that darn tooth for at least an hour, boy was she mad. I also tried to explain to her that she was not going to have anymore of that deep pain, but she would not listen. That dentist took something important away from her, and she was having none of it. She'd already forgotten how much pain she'd been in over the past 5 days. Sigh.

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Ava has been doing some extreme grieving over her 1st mom and her family in Haiti. It's hard to listen to and it's hard to watch but I know it's crucial for me to be there with her and I am glad that she trusts me enough to demand that I go thru it with her. Some seemingly little thing will set her off and she goes into an irrational tantrum. Then she starts screaming for her first mama over and over. Then she rages, and I mean she rages. Finally she breaks down into sadness and that is when she will finally allow me in, in fact she needs me at that point. The good news is, the whole process builds trust for her towards me. I KNOW she has to go thru it. Also, she will tell me lots of things about her life and her family before and after these episodes. There have not been too many, just a few at this point. It's really hard. And I know it's a 100X harder on her than me, which just blows my mind.

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But other than these detours, the girls are doing really well. Ava likes to cook. She has alot of natural style. She is catching up in her reading level, moving really quickly. Her latest favorite saying is "Yes Ma'm!" Elle is full of energy and extremely naturally athletic. She can be unbelievably sweet. For all they've been thru they still have their innocence. And they are a ton of fun.

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Nick and Ashley came over the other night on their way out of town. They were on their way to NYC via Raleigh and Philly. Not sure how long they will be up there, and he left a suitcase behind, but if I were a bettin' woman, I would say he'll be there for awhile. He's restless, and their is no place like New York for that. I could have lived there when I was younger, but I did not discover the place for myself until long after I became a small town girl again, so for me it's a great place to visit but I don't want to live there. However, I think he will like it. I don't expect him back for that suitcase for awhile.

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As for Lucas...well, right now he's a teenager doing teenage things. He's pretty good with his sisters, but he was ready to see his dad the night Nick and Ashley came over, so he did not stay for this love fest. I promise I will sneak up on him with the camera soon!

It Begins...Again

2009-08-23T04:25:00.003-04:00

The other day I informed the girls I was going to have to work on Saturday. My older one wanted to argue with me about that...."NO! You're not supposed to work on Saturday!" As much as I wanted to AGREE with her, it's not the reality, and it'll get a whole lot worse before it gets better! First home game is not until September 12 (South Carolina) and that is the good news. Usually we open on Labor Day week-end. The bad news is it's a night game. Fans may love that but employees hate it. Long, long days, and super-drunks galore. We can't sell beer or liquor but that does not slow them down. Fun times!

Yesterday, they were getting geared up for it all.

Picture-perfect day for Bulldog fans Uganews OnlineAthens.com

Janet is the greatest and had the girls over for a play date while I worked. They are beginning to trade clothes and toys. It's so funny. They got their nails painted with decals added and made jewelry. They had a ball! We are so blessed to live close by. Especially for my girls, who remember everything about Haiti; it's a good anchor and a touch point for them to have these friends, in a world where everything else is so different.

Family Blender

2009-08-16T06:43:00.007-04:00

NG flew into Atlanta with his girlfriend last week and we finally had a family get-together yesterday at the home of his Daddy. I won't lie and say I'm entirely comfortable partying at a house I used to own with a man I'm no longer married to (and his wife) but I'm mostly OK with it. Plenty of life and time has gone by and anyway, it's all about the kids. Now we just have more kids, (not together of course) and they are all sisters to the original kids, so....there you have it.

NG and his girlfriend A.

The Brothers

The Sisters

It was good to see my boy who turned 21 last week! He's planning on sticking around for a few weeks and then he's going to NYC for an extended visit. So he won't be around for long; he's a traveler! But I'm glad to have him here for the time being.

Unloading

2009-08-10T19:55:00.004-04:00

They love to help me unload the car. They love to carry stuff on their heads. Cracks me up!

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It's been extra scorching hot for the last week or so. Everyone gets grumpy in August. Sick of the heat. It's why we call it the Dog Days of Summer. I've lived in some hot spots, and there is no doubt, the Deep South takes the cake. (Well, except for Haiti in the summer. That's the only place I've been that is worse. When people say it's 'hot as Hades', internally I think 'hot as Haiti'...) Seems like the heat has been here forever. Most people in the South despise the summer. As much as our neighbors to the North hate their long cold seemingly endless winters. Same concept, opposite end of the thermometer! As for the girls, well, they don't mind this heat at all. They really don't like too much air conditioning, like at the grocery or the movie theater. But they are the only ones I know that feel this way...lol
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School has been going well so far. They really, really like it and are responding well to the 'hyper' structure. They are smart and have a TON of energy, so they are just eating it up. Today they rode the bus to school for the first time. They were so excited they couldn't sleep and got up way too early :) But they were so cute when they boarded that bus and waved excitedly at me "Bye Mommy!" as they drove off. Six weeks ago I was sure that I would never be able to put them on the bus to school. They were trading off on meltdowns almost every other day when I took them to daycare. Little Miss Lady had so much anxiety the day before school I was doubtful it would be a good experience. So I am happily surprised and relieved!
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I could tell they were overwrought from the heat and their exhaustion when I picked them up this afternoon. I feed them dinner asap when we got home, and they whined and cried and acted irritated with each other the whole time. But they were sound asleep within the hour. and I'm getting a much needed respite. Because it is sticky scorching hot. And I'm grumpy.

Come on, September!

Into The Real World

2009-08-05T08:30:00.004-04:00

We made it! Today is the first day of school. I took this picture of all three of them as LG was waiting for the bus, but I actually drove the girls to school. Check out Princess P with the pout. Oh yes, she is expressing her displeasure with me. I did not have time to get another picture with her in a decent mood, since she did not snap out of it until we were driving. So this is her picture for posterity, her first day of school. I found out in the car she was mad because she does not like her book-bag. Mean mommy is not buying another one right now so she is just going to have to deal.

I enrolled her in Kindergarten, which she is very excited about. We went to open house yesterday and she did not want to leave! Her teacher is a treasure. Little Miss Lady is in the second grade. They are both one year behind their age group, and I can live with that. Although they have some catching up to do, I feel strongly they can succeed at these levels. So I can only hope I made the right decision. Both are enrolled in ESOL, and happily there are some other adopted kids (Nicaragua) in the class as well.

Unfortunately Georgia schools rate consistently low scholastically at the national level. That does not mean there aren't any good schools here, only that there are plenty that have churned out poor results. I am fortunate that I live in one of the best school districts in the state and both of my boys have received very good public educations. The down side is that it is not very diverse, and I have been especially concerned about that with the girls entering public school. The book, I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla addresses these issues honestly and without judgement. Even though it was published over 10 years ago, I found her views to be fresh and common-sense. After I read this I felt much better about enrolling them. This morning I peeked into my older girl's classroom (approximately 25 kids) and noticed her classroom is more diverse than I anticipated. Her teacher is AA as well which was a nice surprise. I know these issues have been heavily debated on other forums, but when you live in an area where it's not so unusual to come across a rebel flag flying in some one's yard, one tends to be a wee bit hyperviligent. You see, so far, my girls don't know racism. They have not encountered it. They know our family looks different and they could care less. I overheard one kid asking my older daughter about it at daycare, and my daughter just looked at her like "And??? What's your point?" She did not understand the fuss.

But, I digress. They were both so excited yesterday and this morning. They got up early with no complaint, and I'll enjoy that while I can! Spending time at the open house yesterday really helped alleve some fears. Not sure how they will feel when they get home today, but I'm hoping for the best! And oh yeah, I felt those MOM tears well up after I dropped them off and was walking out to my car. You know those tears. My baby is launched into the real world!

LG, meanwhile is in the 11th grade here, which ranked this year as #744 in Newsweek's nationwide poll of best public high schools in the USA! He is hoping to run Cross Country this fall, which will be exciting (and good for him) so I'm hopeful that works out.

I'll keep ya'll posted...I'm now off to tackle some much needed housework!

Three Months Home

2009-07-28T08:48:00.004-04:00

At the 3 month mark, I thought I would have all kinds of profound words of wisdom. I do not; my brain is mush, my back hurts, and I should be getting ready to go to work right now! Life is very busy for us. It can also be very unpredictable. I will begin to think things are really going great, every thing is on track, then I get some random surprise out of left field. In other words, life is very life-like lately.

And I would not have it any other way!

We have the joy and the pain. We experience the agony and the ecstasy. We take the bitter with the sweet. And above all else, we keep our eye on the ball. Don't lose sight of the goal posts! Yes, we might move the goal posts, and the goal may change daily, but big or small we do our best to keep it all in our sights.

I would like to say we are super-duper organized, no one ever loses their composure, and every single problem is reasoned out with collaboration by all, but of course that would be a lie. I recently watched 'Cheaper by the Dozen' on TV. I had never seen it before, but I laughed my @ss off. Because even tho it's goofy, there is such an element of truth to it. And I only have 1/4 of the kids! Most of my peers do not have unruly families: I do. Their lives are organized to the nth degree, even to the future. Mine is not. That said, I would not have it any other way!

So, here are some things that have happened lately.

The explosion of language continues. Almost all conversation, including bickering, occurs in English. I sometimes have a difficult time with the accent, but they learned along time ago to panomine for me.

Mostly they move forward with lightning speed, but sometimes regression happens. When I see my 9 year old with her thumb in her mouth and she was already out of sorts to begin with, I know we are in for some rough waters. She was really having a rough time a week or so ago. Meltdowns everyday. Long ones and lots of grieving, which is hard. Hard for her because it's painful, hard for me because there is nothing much I can do to alleviate the pain except be there. Sometimes all this is accompanied by rebellion and acting out, and I can only think that she is testing me to see if I will still be her mom when it's over with. I will, and I am.

My Princess has mostly just acted like a 3 year old when she regresses, and that can be frustrating. She confirmed my feeling that she will sometimes do something negative/destructive just to get attention if she thinks things are not going her way. The last few days though her grieving has just taken a different route. She has been quiet and sad. That is actually harder for me to take; I want my Pistolero back! Finally it came out. She said:

"I want you to take me to see my first Mama"

While I realize they think about these things everyday, it shocked me to hear her say that, it's something I would expect her sister to say. When I have talked about their Haitian mama that is what I have called her...their Haitian mama, or their mom in Haiti. But she said her 'first mama'; this is language she is familiar with, so this must be how it's been explained to her. I said:

"Do you miss your first mama?" a rhetorical question of course, but I did want her to verbalize her feelings.

"Yes"

"Honey, that is totally normal. Of course you miss her"

Her sister chimed in at that point and was actually trying to divert her pain and the subject moved on. My mind was racing, because I was not sure how to tell her that I could not take her to see her first Mama. Since the question was never answered, I'm sure it will come up again. And the answer is, I don't know. Not anytime soon. I don't want to tell her maybe in ten years, or when she turns 18. I'm still not sure what I'm going to tell her. I think sometimes that is what the agony of her older sister's grief is about. She knows this is permanent, where as my little one has not quite grasped that.

I love having conversations with the girls. Pistolero is more babyish, but Miss Lady tells me alot of things about life in Haiti, life at the creche, life at home. You probably have not met too many 9 year olds that have witnessed not only one live birth, but two! (Mama and Sister) An older brother has a horse. Papa taught them how to whistle. They actually are not very interested in talking about Haiti and from what I've heard from other parents, that seems to be common. But I do keep the door open, so sometimes they just tell me these things.

School starts next week and we are getting ready for that. I'm talking next week off (yay!). And my oldest son is flying home on August 12. Not sure how long he's hanging around, but I can't wait to see him! And the girls can't wait to meet him!

Picture Album---At The Park

Celebrating 3 months at home....

A catapiller @ the community garden

Walking the trail....

to the shoals...where we met this pretty dog!

And back home again...

Car Show

2009-07-20T06:05:00.003-04:00

Yesterday coming home after church, we noticed signs for a car show. In our neighborhood. Which is kind of strange, because we don't live in a neighborhood conducive to that kind of thing. It's a sleepy little town with the train track running thru it, and 4 churches within 3 blocks. But...that was the deal. One of the churches was doing a benefit, and that is what the car show was about. So...they had all these antique cars parked on the grounds, a stone's throw from our house. After lunch we walked up there to check it out.

You know I love tractors!

Plenty of really old cars and trucks like this one.

But I'm a sucker for muscle cars. I could not decide between the Chevy or the Dodge...expensive hobby, I know. And not on the top of my list right now!

The girls, of course, could have cared less about the cars. They just wanted to play!

Singing

2009-07-17T06:06:00.004-04:00

I found out yesterday the kids are having a little talent show at their school, and Little Miss Lady has been teaching her friends a Haitian song to sing for it.

Some of the kids were finding it difficult to learn, never having been exposed to another language. Miss Valerie was going on and on yesterday about how far the girl's English has progressed and how amazed she is at their ability. She kept telling the other kids "see, it's not so easy to speak another language, now is it!"

I was just glad to get this on video before they forget this stuff! And yes, that is Princess Pistolero in the background "let me see". If it's going on, she wants to be in the middle of it!

What $3.50 And 75 Days Can Do

2009-07-10T20:58:00.011-04:00

Bag of 25 balloons: $1.50

Doggie Dress: $1.00

Doggie T-Shirt: $1.00

(clearance @ Wal-Mart)

Peace & Love with Doggies: PRICELESS!

The photo shoot and the lay-out were the creation of Little Miss Lady. I was just the photographer following directions! We noticed afterwards that her dress almost matched Sydney's perfectly LOL

The final shot. They realized that dogs don't always cooperate when it comes to photography.

Attention Deficit

2009-07-07T05:06:00.008-04:00

This is not a post about learning disabilities. This is a post about post-institutional behavior.
And when adopting, most of us face at least some of it.

The title for today's post could have also been hypochondria. Because that is how lack of attention and perceived lack of attention is currently manifesting itself, especially for Miss Lady.

In a way, this is a hard one for me because as I have written before, I am the anti-hypochondriac. But it was not always that way. When I was a little girl, about the same age as Miss Lady, I was an internal hypochondriac. I had an on-going fantasy life that involved me getting sick and being in the hospital and having everyone come to visit me and feeling really bad about not paying enough attention to me. In my fantasy it all ended well with me completely recovering from whatever ailment and my family and friends put in their place and never taking me for granted again. All I can figure is that 1.) I had a middle sister who was a complete drama queen and had to have center stage at all times, and 2.) being the oldest I was physically and emotionally responsible for all the children (lots of them) much of the time.

I see so much of myself in my little girl. And did I mention that adopting/having children brings up alot of old issues??? (It's normal, I found out. And it's OK.)

She does not do the fantasy thing so much as she tries acting it out in reality. Yesterday she got a scraped knee at daycare. Actually two scrapes. Since band-aids usually cure everything, she got two, plus some antiseptic, and was sent on her way. So when I arrived to pick her up, she was sprawled out in the corner of the room, upset, and when she saw me, she started crying for good measure. Miss Valerie said " I don't know what is wrong with her" as she held my arm and limped out the door. But I did. I knew what was wrong.

I'm not sure how kids at home in Haiti are treated when they are sick, but I'm pretty sure it's not medically. There just is not enough of it. If they have a good mama (and mine did) does she fawn over and make a big deal, since that is all she can do? Or does she tell them it's going to be OK and send them on their way, since there are much bigger deals going on daily such as how to eat? I do know that when kids got ill at the orphanage, they got some medical treatment and also some special treatment, which is wonderful. Getting that kind of attention must have felt like hitting the jackpot.

Miss Lady has a little (middle) sister that has her own attention issues. She may not be quite as dramatic as my sister was, but she is close. So when we got home yesterday, the issue over the knee subsided until bedtime. I put on new antiseptic and two new band-aids and we went to bed. I was really exhausted after a busy week-end and going back to work. Miss Lady decided it time to start wailing about her knee hurting. I propped her knee for her, and then Princess P decided to get in on the wailing action too. Usually they are good about falling asleep, but not so this time. After talking, soothing, and doing everything I could think of to ease them and NOT lose my mind, I did something I had not done before. I got up and walked out.

I knew that was not going to make them feel better but I had to get some distance or I was going to lose my patience. After about 10 minutes the wailing turned to full on hysteria, and by that time I had regained myself. I went back in their room and turned the light on. I told them I would not stay in their room if they kept up their wailing, but I would stay if they stopped. Princess stopped immediately. I turned out the light and crawled into bed with them. Miss Lady whimpered a bit longer, including telling me over and over "it hurt". My empathy capacity had returned in my 10 minute hiatus, and I was able to tell her I knew it hurt and I was sorry about that. (And also if you go to sleep you won't notice it...) And she did fall asleep shortly.

I'm not saying this is the right way to do it. Everyone has to find their own way and all kids and most circumstances are different. As much as I hate the fact that these kids have a seemingly infinite/abnormal (which makes sense considering circumstances) need for attention, trying to constantly appease that is not practical for real life, nor is it even possible. Because the pit can become bottomless. That is human nature. The immature human yearns for unending adulation/love. An untreated bottomless pit can lead to addiction and other destructive behaviors.

I find that somehow I have to distinguish the fine line between nurturing and enabling and it's not always easy. It's hard to see kids hurting. Sometimes it's hard to know if/when they are manipulating. When I look at it thru their eyes (and as a child, not an adult) the way becomes more clear. I also find it helpful to blog about this stuff because there is not alot of support out there in the 'real' world. Most people just don't 'get it' because most people do not have a realistic experience with adopted children. And yes, it's a different experience than bio-kids.

At any rate, while some of this is trying, it's also very rewarding and I would not trade this experience for anything. The girls are so funny. On Sunday night Princess looked over at Miss Lady and said "Hey! No crying today!" She meant that neither of them had a meltdown and it was a real accomplishment.

The Fourth of July

2009-07-05T07:18:00.009-04:00

My friend over at Casa de King has a post that mirrors my mind-set about being an American, as well as having these kids home at last. And I was so grateful to be able to celebrate this holiday with them. I remember last year LG was not here either, and I pretty much did nothing. Unfortunately I was content with that. One thing I know for sure, these girls are going to keep me young! Doing nothing IS NOT AN OPTION!

Here's one of the main things I did today, of course. At the end (of many hours) I finally figured out that a 1 & 1/4 inch box is the perfect size for the perfect braid for these little beads. At least on this little girl's head. She is old enough to pick what she wants done and sometimes is very set on it. Like yesterday. I groaned when I saw she had collected all these little pony beads. But, oh well. She has beautiful hair BTW.

While doing hair, I had a Boston Butt in the crock, making the Best BBQ Evah! The girls liked it. They thought it was chicken. I have learned that for the time being to call all meat chicken so they will eat it. If I try to explain that it's beef or pork or turkey, they say "Me no like it!" after one little bite. So when they ask if it's chicken, I just nod. For now. It works and they eat it.

I knew I would never get them up and ready in time for a parade, but we did make it to the local fireworks show. Somebody is getting excited about that!

A short time later she is pouting a little bit about something. I know she will forget all about it as soon as the show starts.

And these two, goofing off. As they should.

Then we came home and lit off a small box of our own pyro-technics. The girls fell into bed exhausted at 11pm, (me too) it was way past their bed-time.

July Bullet Points

2009-07-02T21:52:00.006-04:00

*I have been trying to teach the girls a little bit about the July 4th holiday. It is a difficult concept for young minds to grasp. I bought them little star spangled outfits and let them wear them to daycare today. Then one of the kid's mom came with cupcakes decorated red/white/blue and they all sang 'happy birthday 4th of July' so they are starting to get the idea. I can't wait to see them watch fireworks for the first time!

*They have 'American' names that blend with their Haitian names. Their Haitian names now serve as their middle names. I eased into this transition. In the beginning I did not know if we would get there or not, everything was so overwhelming to them, this was just one more thing. But at daycare, their American names are used and they like that. We sometimes fall back to their Haitian names at home out of comfort and habit, but mostly we just use the new names and everyone is comfortable with that. Except Miss Lady told Princess that she had to call her by her Haitian name, she was not allowed to call her A_ _ at home. Not sure what that is all about, and it does not matter because that lasted for one day, and Princess is back to calling her A _ _ just like they do at school.

*I hope I'm not scaring people when I write about some of the behavioral issues that are going on with the girls especially now that they are getting more comfortable at home. It's annoying, but it's all manageable. Yesterday Little Miss Lady wanted to do a less bratty, but still pouty version of getting ready for school. I think this is how God keeps me close to Him because it's always at this point I literally pray for patience. (And it helps, alot) When we got to the teeth brushing point tho, and she was trying to drag her heels, and I took her toothbrush away from her and told her cheerfully that I was going to brush her teeth for her (again) she shaped up, grabbed the tooth brush back from me and said she would do it herself. She was mad and she cried, but she got it done and that was the end of it.

*Every afternoon when I go to pick them up, Princess Pistolero is filthy from rolling around on the play ground, and Miss Lady has a bunch of drawing/letterings she has done and wants to bring home. All this week she has had some version of everybody she loves. Today, it was just "I love UUUUU" over and over again. The other day (and this is not unusual) she named everyone in the family, including 'Papa'. That would be my ex-husband. They are totally enthralled with him. Having once felt the same, I'm unsure of how to handle this, so I just let them be enthralled with him and he enjoys it. They know we're not married anymore, and I guess they know he has another wife and 2 little girls, whom they conveniently ignore whenever we are over there picking up LG. I'll keep you posted on how this all plays out. They have not called him Papa to his face yet but I know it's coming....

*They love "Telenovelas" (Mexican soap operas) almost as much as they love cartoons. When they get tired of cartoons, this is what they naturally gravitate towards. I notice that culturally, these soaps reflect more of what they are accustomed to. They definitely gravitate towards that Latin American feel. That's just what we need, to be speaking 3 languages in this house, as if we don't have enough already going on! My favorite is "Guarded By An Angel". At least, I'm pretty sure that is the English translation. See, it's not hard to get sucked into these things.

That's it for now. Hopefully I will have some fun holiday photos in a few days!

Control

2009-06-29T16:16:00.002-04:00

When we adopt, we obviously enter uncharted territory. As much as we read about stuff, or intellectualize things, we can never really know what the heck we're dealing with or how we are going to handle it until we are there in the midst of it all.

I wish I could tell you everything was puppy dog-kisses, hearts and butterflies all the time, but that would be a lie. Although it's pretty close a whole lot of the time. These two girls are so sweet natured it just amazes me. But they are also children. Hurt children. Underdeveloped children. Children with some physical ailments still lingering.

It's hard to remember all that in the heat of a tantrum. And they both have them. Princess Pistolera started almost immediately. While we were still in Haiti. While she is more frequent, in an odd way she's more manageable to me. Her tantrums are sort of age appropriate. I can put her in the time out chair, which is not isolated, and she eventually comes around and reverts to her sweet little self.

Little Miss Lady has other methods. And they have not surfaced until quite recently. I knew it was coming because it's not possible for a child to be perfect all the time, and she is naturally very pleasing, very easy going. She does like to control her environment. She likes to control her little sister...not always possible....and she has a little temper that shows itself sometimes. Lately, that's everyday.

She can be VERY stubborn, and I have been getting discouraged. Mainly at myself because I have been succumbing to anger, and when that happens, guess what, she knows she pushed my button, which is what she wanted to do in the first place. Last night I brushed up on my "Adoption Parenting Toolbox", trying to remember why she was throwing these troublesome tantrums in the first place.

Oh yeah. It's about control. And anger. As in "I'm a 9 year old child, and I don't really have any control. My birth parents made the decision to give me away. WHY????????????"

I have to remember not to take it personally.

So this morning, she started first thing. Why this surprised me I don't know, but it did. She did not want to get up, get dressed, or go to 'summer school' and she cried and pouted and stalled the whole time she got dressed. Then she refused to brush her teeth. Refused. I told her if she did not start by the time I counted to 3, I would be brushing them for her. She chose to go there. Matter of factly, and rather vigorously, I brushed her teeth for her. Boy was she mad. But I'm thinking she may not do that again cause it was not that fun for her. In the car she threw her banana and her bottled water at her sister. I calmed glanced back at her glowering face and told her she would NOT be watching High School Musical tonight when we got home. No Gabriella (whom she idolizes) for her tonight. Then I turned up the volume and sang with the radio the entire way to daycare, like I was having the time of my life. She was less pouty, but still rebellious when we arrived. She had taken her sandals off and hidden them under the seat. She put her shoes on S-L-O-W-L-Y when I asked her to, and did not resist going in which was an improvement. Last Friday she had a full-on melt-down when we arrived. But today I said "I'm going to tell you a secret. Mommy does not like to get up and go to work either. So I understand. Just like you don't like getting up for summer school. But it makes us better, so that's why we have to do it". She accepted me giving her a hug, even tho she was still really mad, and then for good measure she stomped off to join her classmates.

I'm getting ready to go pick them up now. Undoubtedly she will be little Miss Sunshine. This is how it goes. She will be the child she is 95% of the time. But I don't expect all this negative stuff to stop right away. I don't know when it will stop. I know I felt better not losing it today. I know she has to learn about consequences of her behavior. I feel like I made some progress today. I was able to show some empathy, instead of my anger, and it was not easy. I'm not that patient. It's true what they say; anger usually just continues a bad cycle. And I really do feel for her. I can't imagine what goes on in that head sometimes. I am in awe that she is as easy and loving as she is considering all she has been thru.

Anyway, just didn't want y'all to think it was all puppy-dog kisses hearts and butterflies all the time. And I think we will be washing the car tonight since we won't be watching HSM.

Language Explosion

2009-06-24T04:54:00.003-04:00

In the last week or so, I have really been noticing Miss Lady's language usage taking off! I have known that her comprehension was good, even before she came home. That has only improved. But in the last week she will just pop out some spontaneous, full sentences. She has used lots of words and would string a few together, or she would answer questions, but this week, full, uncoached sentences. Such as: we were leaving church and walking thru the parking lot. She spotted my car and said "there is your car!". I was a little distracted, so I said 'yes, there it is' then it dawned on me what just happened. And there has been more of that since. The funniest (and about to become the most annoying thing) is she bickers with her sister in English now. They really did not bicker much previously, but now since she is speaking so much more, I really notice it..."Princess P, sto-o-o-op it!" or "Princess P, hush!" Because Princess P, like any self respected little sister makes it her business to annoy her big sister when ever she feels like it. She also is exploding in her puzzle work...most kids when they come home cannot put together even a simple puzzle although they can learn quickly, and it is important to their brain development. Last week she put together a 25 piece frame puzzle by herself and this week she has attempted a 100 piece jigsaw several times and made good progress on it.

Princess P, on the other hand, while extremely bright, is less interested in this kind of thing, but is very driven athletically. I can't wait to see where that takes us. She is fearless! Her language comprehension is fine, but she does not speak in full sentences yet. Why should she, her sister does it for her! They are very naturally intertwined. Someday I will write about the pros and cons and funnies and difficulties of that.

They still have full on Creole discussions between themselves, but that is diminishing. Many people say they wish their children would retain their native language, but it's not really possible for a child to be bi-lingual unless they have constant exposure to two languages. Their brain has to shut out the one language in order to absorb the other. So I am happy with the progress. It has to do with school. Of course I don't want them to get left behind academically; they start behind their age group as it is. And for us, school is only 6 short weeks away...starts the first week of August. I want them to be as ready as possible.

Here's a short clip of them playing with their brother. They can play rough. You ought to see these 3 with water guns. It's brutal!

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T16:33:00.003-04:00

Dad & my oldest sister Susan, 1950

He was a young dad. He was a many-times-blessed dad...9 times!

I sure do miss him.

Memorial Park

2009-06-21T07:20:00.016-04:00

I have to give kudos to Janet's older daughters. They have been taking care of TnT with Janet in Haiti right now, and their Dad on on the road. Is it just me, or are Haitian kids incredibly smart, alert, curious, and therefore BUSY? Times that by 2, and you have one busy mama. Or in their case, two busy older sisters. So, we got them all together yesterday for a stroll thru Memorial Park. Pretty Haitian girls x 4 = GOOD TIMES

Ashley in charge

Memorial Park has a pool and a play ground, a lake, cook-out areas, a theater and a small wildlife zoo. So off we go!

First stop: the alligators! It reminded me of our trip to Haiti Baptist Mission exactly one year ago. And they had a crocodile. To me, both equally yucky...I'm not a big fan of most reptiles.

Turtles are OK, we saw those next.

We also went to the reptile house and there was a guy there holding a rat snake. Obviously I'm grateful for rat snakes but I don't want to hold one. I did my best not to display my prejudice however and encouraged the girls to touch the snake, but they declined (smart girls) except little T barely put her finger on it after much ado.

Next, the birds. There were several types of owls but this picture of the horned owl was the only decent shot I got.

Red Tail Hawk, which is native to this area, but rare. They also had some wild turkeys and that species is also native but rare, although I have one that shows up in my front yard periodically.

Golden Eagle

Bald Eagle

Then on to the big (literally) attraction, the Black Bear. Doing what any respectable bear would do in the heat, take a nap!

Princess decides she is a bear too...

Bear Habitat

Did I mention it was hot? 98 degrees and 88% humidity. At least the trees helped!

Pretty girls!

Little Miss Lady took this shot

Then we went to the play ground for awhile.

These girls love to swing...

Then a walk in the heat up a hard hill to the parking lot (I felt like the turtle) and we were done!

All In A Day

2009-06-15T05:42:00.006-04:00

This may have to become my all-time favorite photo of these two!

Some of you have asked me for some Princess Pistolero stories. They are not all silly or funny. For instance, she was in meltdown mode all day yesterday because I did not do the bottom row of her braids to her satisfaction. After almost 8 hours of hair and a severely cramped left hand, I did not intend to make this minor adjustment, thus the meltdown. But...then we met some friends, we went to Barnes and Noble for the first time, and then went to the Mexican restaurant, and she was back to her silly sunny self.

And no, I did not redo her braids. Perhaps that seems heartless to some of you, but as I wrote in my previous post, she tests every limit, and as hard as it can be sometimes, she has to learn that there are some. My palsied hand testified.

If you ever met her, chances are the person you would see would act shy, quiet and polite. It would be awhile before you saw this:

All My Children (Almost)

2009-06-14T05:58:00.011-04:00

We have an interesting Cuban restaurant that I took the girls to on Friday night. Mostly outdoor seating with alot of funky mismatched furniture, crazy lights, some old boats, interesting murals and artwork, authentic salsa music (thanks to satellite radio) and most importantly, great food!

@ $20.00 it was a family bargain, and I got some fun photos. I didn't have to cook either!

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I started writing and update last week-end on the girls progress and I never got to finish it. That's how life goes, it flies right by, especially when small children are involved. But here is what I started for their six (and now seven) week update:

"I can't believe it's been 6 weeks already. So much has happened and it seems like the girls have been here forever. I think it's the compressed time aspect. I really wanted to be at home for 6 weeks with them, not 30 days. But...life and reality demanded otherwise. Aside from getting up so early in the morning they are adapting well to daycare. I put them in a smaller environment on purpose and it has turned out to be the right choice. I am also happy that they are in a diverse group right now. The school they will be going to will not be nearly so diverse, but I am OK with that and more importantly it appears that they will be fine. Ours is one of the best school districts in the state, and that trumps all else. Since my older kids went there I am familiar with it, I feel like the girls will be fine there. Little Miss Lady is aware of racial difference, but it does not phase her. Princess seems unaware, which is appropriate for her age. There is alot of good information on this kind of thing in the book "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla". The author is very straightforward (and in my opinion accurate) about different school settings for minority children.
Language is coming around. Everyday there seems to be a little progress, so sometimes when I look at it like that it seems slow. But when I look at where they were 6 weeks ago, I see a tremendous amount of progress. Miss Lady understands most of what I say to her and is able to convey to me what I ask of her, either in language, or panamine. We do alot of that. I am worried about her education level. I am afraid they will stick her in the first grade, because that is about where she is. But with a little (professional) help I honestly feel she is ready for the second grade, with a little catch up help. She will turn 10 in this school year and I just don't want her to be in the first grade.
Princess, on the other hand is going straight to kindergarten, no question. While she is very very smart, in many aspects she is developmentally in a wide range. For the most part it seems she is in the 3 to 4 year stage, emotionally and developmentally. I agree with my friend Courtney. I was thinking this, but I could not find anything written about it...but it seems to me that emotional developement for some of these kids stops when they get to the orphanage. And no wonder. I always say, they are raising themselves there. In the best of circumstances they get some attention. But not enough. So they survive, but development stops or slows. The school at the O really helped my girls keep moving forward, at least somewhat, but that is not the same as emotional development. I think Princess was one of those kids in the O that cried alot."

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I wrote that last sentence because she still does. Everyday. Some of it is trauma. Truthfully, much of it is willfulness. I call it 'backwards spoiled'. She cries over not getting her way or getting what she wants, big and small. But it's not like she has experience with getting what she wants either. You could give her an endless reserve of time, attention and material goods, and she would find something 15 minutes later to be unhappy, whining, stomping feet about. (Trauma manifests itself so extremely differently that it's not difficult to discern the difference) I'm just going to say she spends plenty of time in the naughty chair. She can also turn on a dime and be the sweetest, most polite, loving and FUN kid you ever met. The challenge is addressing her willfulness as opposed to her abandonment issues effectively and simultaneously. Because I am feeling that this is where much of the negative behavior stems from.

That may sound rhetorical when discussing adopted children, but Little Miss Lady's abandonment issues are not nearly as severe. She told me weeks ago that Princess P cried in the O alot, but she told me the other day that she also cried alot as a baby at home. So anyway, we have some of that just about everyday, but things are improving as she realizes who is the boss...(not her)...and the rest of the time she is a joy to be around.

Don't mean to be painting a downer of a picture here. It's just the reality.

I love these girls like crazy, and that grows more and more everyday.

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Now, for news about my oldest son. He called me the other night and said he was "buying a plane ticket home to Georgia" in August. I thought he meant for a visit, but it became apparent he meant he was leaving the Bay Area. He loves San Francisco, but he can't afford it. He says he plans on staying home for a few weeks and then he and his girlfriend (she is from Atlanta) are going to travel around a bit and decide which big city they want to live in next. They are into the urban thing right now. He tends to change his mind alot, but I hope they stick to this plan and he at least comes home for awhile. I am estactic that his girlfriend is from Atlanta and also just finished her student teaching. She is apparently reaching him in ways that either me or his father could not,(which is normal too at his age) Finally he is considering going to school. I think he may actually be coming to terms with the reality that living with just a HS education is tough, especially when he has the option of doing life differently. I did want him to have some life experience since he decided not to go to school right away. I actually wanted him to get out of this local environment for at least a little while because even tho this a great area it can become a stagnant little fishbowl, and I have seen many a 40 year old man around these parts still playing the hipster (or the hippie) still dreaming about their rock-star future. Most of the rock stars around here (yes, we have some big ones) hit it long before 40 years old. There is nothing wrong with the dream. It's when a life gets wasted chasing unreality, I find that depressing. I did not want that to happen to him, and he was headed down that road, because that's his cool crowd around here. When he moved to the Bay Area, I became resigned to the fact that he might never come back and that was difficult. But being a native Californian, I completely understood. He is a native Californian too.

At any rate, I hope he sticks to his current plan. I'm ready for him to be 'home' (assuredly, he won't be living with me, but with his buddies and/or girlfriend) and his brother misses him too. His sisters are already in love with him and they've never met him. LOL

Graduation

2009-06-11T05:47:00.004-04:00

My niece is graduating HS in California this week and I am very proud of her. I wish I could be there and tell her I love her and wish her well, but I can't so I am doing it on this blog. She is very artistically talented and will continue her post secondary pursuing that, not quite sure where yet.

Where does the time go????

6 Weeks Home

2009-06-09T05:41:00.003-04:00

One of these days soon I will post some progress updates. When I actually get time to write something!!!

I am teaching them how to bead, and they made their necklaces. (I centered the charm and attached the hardware) Now they don't want to do it by themselves anymore, they want me in on the fun! They are very mechanical, but I find their imaginations to be somewhat dormant in this respect. Initially they only wanted to use the same bead continuously (see the bracelet) but I'm showing them how to mix it up. Their play, however, like all kids, IS imaginative, so it's not like they are lacking, just under-developed in some areas. We are having fun with the beads, and working on it!

I'm Still Here!

2009-06-03T05:51:00.005-04:00

I have not dropped off the face of the earth, although I do feel like I am in an alternate universe right now.

We opened it. Still tweaking it. I'd like to say I can't remember the last time I worked this hard and have been so totally exhausted, but actually, I can; that would be right before I went out on leave. That was long hours and mental exhaustion. This is shorter hours and mostly physical exhaustion. Such is the reality of the business I am in. It happens.

Happy IT people. Happy 'cause Blue Shirt Guy gets to go home to Raleigh today, and Red Shirt Lady almost has all this stuff right where she wants it. That menu board above is computerized and displayed on a giant flat screen TV. Pretty cool, huh? I have to say I'm extremely happy the way that everyone has worked together to get this whole thing going. It was definitely a departmental effort. It has also been very political, and I have not been really happy about much of that, but I'm asking for God's protection everyday and the ability to navigate these waters with grace. So far, so good.

Here is Hotei, famed Japanese Buddha, and mascot for one of the concepts. As you can the staff has been blessing him monetarily. We opened on Monday, and patrons have also been blessing the concept he is named after, so I'm happy about that in the midst of a slow summertime opening (the students don't even come back until Friday) AND a slow economy. The other 3 concepts are also doing very well.

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It's been another adjustment for the girls. They come from a culture that is slower and in many ways more socially genteel. Also, most people do not have structured jobs, so it is hard for them to understand our fast pace. Bless their hearts. I'm so freaking tired I'm not sure I understand it either. I'm ready for life to get back to normal, whatever that is!

Goofing Off

2009-05-24T05:27:00.007-04:00

After a hard week we are just pretty much goofing off on this long week-end. If I can get some housework caught up that will be bonus points.

The girls did well at *Summer School*. They had their ups and downs. ( Not sure I did as well my first week back to work, I had my ups and downs as well.) They started, and were of course, very shy and withdrawn, did not want to eat the food (which I anticipated, and therefore packed lunches) and Princess Pistolero cried the first day when I left. But they adjusted more easily with each passing day and by Friday the director was impressed and happy with how much they were coming out of their shell. Little Miss Lady yelled "Bye" to everyone when we left which made them all laugh. I'm hearing more English, slang included, as in 'yeah' for yes, at least from my baby.

At home, adjustments continue. They are getting more comfortable, I can tell, because they act more like kids, but understand their boundaries ( and my limits) better. Tyler has regressed a little. I think he is just jealous and depressed about his lack of attention from me. He's just a grumpy little corgi. My other dogs spend alot of time outside and are not as impacted; he has always been inside and pretty much the center of attention. Princess is still scared of him and screams and gets all herky-jerky around him which freaks him out and so he is not exactly warmed up to her. But Miss Lady is more relaxed and has learned how to pet him, not scream and jerk around. Hopefully this will all resolve itself. Soon.

Tyler's face tells the real story here.

The girls still love the camera and often want to pose for photos and videos. Miss Lady gets very hammy which is funny, but it does not capture her true nature and I am going to try to sneak up on her with the camera more often***wish me luck with that!

She is just so very beautiful in her natural state, and I'd like to catch more of her that way.

Speaking of hams....

I'm going to attempt to do hair tomorrow for the first time, the fancy braids are getting little fuzzy. Should make for and interesting day!

New Blog Names

2009-05-20T05:42:00.002-04:00

As promised, I have new blog names for the girls. I'm tired of typing confusing initials that will only get more confusing as they progress, as they are, to their American names. Am working on one for big brothers LG and NG and will post those as soon as I know.

Little Miss Lady

Princess Pistolero

Grieving

2009-05-19T05:04:00.009-04:00

Yesterday I went back to work after a 28 day leave of absence. It's the only time I have been gone that long in the 13 years I've worked there. I would have taken 6 weeks if we did not have such a huge project going on; I was worried about the girls not being ready to go to the next phase of their life. Daycare. Which we call at our house, "Summer School". Regular school session is over this week, so it would have been a waste to enroll them. These children, especially older, have ingrained in them that they will be attending school when they get to where they are going...USA...Canada...France. I think most of them are very excited about that. I know mine are. I have no way to explain the concept of daycare to them, so that is why I'm calling it Summer School. That is a concept they can sort of grasp. Except I don't think they know what 'summer' means. I was afraid to put them in a regular summer day camp. Those tend to be large and rowdy and I feared they would get swallowed up. I am optimistic that they will pick up language quickly, but I knew they were going to need some special attention. I chose a smaller daycare, close to my work, that has a diversified staff. They also have a summer camp session, but since it is small, I think they will be OK and I also think they will have fun. I am hoping that the whole experience will help them with their English.

So I was nervous yesterday. I was afraid they would freak out. I could tell they were nervous and maybe a little afraid, and little ML cried a little when I left. But I did not get a phone call all day, and when I went to pick them up, they still looked a little nervous and scared, and they were happy to see me, but the staff said they did well. After we left, I was afraid they would not ever want to go back but I was wrong about that. They started talking about it immediately and wanted to go back. I had to explain they had to wait till the next day to go back. They learned two new words, 'Tabasco' and ' gum'. LOL.

Later after we got home, W had her first full on grief meltdown. I knew it was coming but was sorta thinking it might come later than this. It was triggered by something small (as always seems to be the case with meltdowns of any sort) but once she let go of it, she really let go. How do you know it's grief? Well, it's a deep and melancholy cry that seems to progress, but it's also recognizable if you have ever been there. Deborah Gray says in her excellent book "Attaching in Adoption" that the closest thing that we as a parent might experience to this type of grief would be if our husband/wife/partner ditches us after a long term relationship and/or marriage, leaving us to hold the shattered pieces of the relationship and wondering what just happened. Although, as she puts it, we come to realize eventually that perhaps this person did us a favor. Different even than death. With death, at least we come to an understanding (hopefully) and acceptance comes faster, but in the other scenario we are left with alot of unanswered questions and a lack of closure. Different than a mutual break-up. Well, this happened to me fairly recently, between this story and what happened here.. (and someday perhaps I will write the in-between, but not today)... I think that relationship might have literally killed me, had it continued. And although I know that logically, it been a long crawl out of the wilderness. Let me just give you the short version. I know that level of grief. And so apparently, for me it had a larger purpose, I can sort of grasp what she's feeling. I recognized that cry. I was able to rub her back, stroke her hair and let that hurt little girl come out. And she is hurt, make no mistake. I think my new blog name for her is going to be 'Little Miss Lady' because that is how she acts much of the time. She holds it all in and keeps it all together, way too much for a nine year old child. But the hurt is there, and it has to come out. I don't know how long it will take, but with grief, it takes what it takes. The good thing is, children are capable of healing MUCH faster than we are. For her, I am banking on that. After about 15 minutes, little ML, who was totally freaked out to see her older sister, her rock, lose it, suggested we go for a ride in the 'machine', which we did, and got ice cream cones too. The rest of the night was easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

Birthday Party, American Style

2009-05-15T09:10:00.006-04:00

The girls attended their first birthday party last night. It was at Chuck E Cheese. Initially, it seemed, they wondered just what the heck their mother had gotten them into.

A giant dancing singing mouse? You've got to be kidding me!

They were quite skeptical at first. ML went up to the stage and checked behind the curtain to see if the robot Chuck E was still there. He was. I think she put the whole thing together at that point!

One really great thing about these kids, is they really do know how to have fun. Once they got over their initial skepticism, they had a blast.

Little T did have a birthday cake and we sang 'Happy Birthday" so that was familiar to them. When Chuck E came out, they stood on the sidelines at first, but then they got into the act.

That is Janet and I laughing in the background. So cute. Check out little T, the B-Day girl!

Thanks Janet, Ashley, Meghan, TnT, for inviting us! What a fun night we had!

Payoff! And Other Ramblings....

2009-05-12T18:18:00.007-04:00

Guess what I found out today? My girl can read!!! Yep, it's true, W can READ! Not really well, she is in the beginning stages of sounding out words phonetically, but she can do it! This is so amazing to me! Two years ago when we met, I gave her a crayon and she did not know how to draw, did not recognize her written name. She was a blank. I have watched her progress with every visit and since she has been home she has been coloring alot and been interested in her scholastic books that I bought for her. I realized she understands the concept of addition, she just needs to go to the next step with it ( I still have not found an abacus, I'm now looking online) But we are struggling with language somewhat. She has finally realized she is going to have to learn English, that her new world is not going to do it her way (Creole). So she has been putting more effort into basic vocabulary. Today out of the corner of my eye I saw her looking at a piece of paper, and she said 'popcorn'. I took the piece of paper from her and saw that it was a shopping list from a few days ago, and I had written popcorn on there. She was able to sound out a couple of other items. Later we worked with some new alphabet flashcards, and the item was spelled out on the back of the card. She was able to sound out a good deal of these words, although admittedly 'igloo' and 'x-ray' were pretty foreign to her. This ability is going to help her with language, and I actually think she realized that. I think that's why she started showing me.

Recently I have been cleaning out my email because my son said my 10000 emails were messing up the system (ya think???) and I deleted the batch from our yahoo group (a very long time ago) where people were saying M would never get a school going at the creche, it wasn't going to happen, etc, etc, etc. Well, that was wrong, it DID happen and IT IS producing results. And little ML is not too shabby either. She can count to 100 and she knows her letters. The language thing is easier for her just because she is younger. I don't, however, think she can read yet.

For all our arguing, I miss our old yahoo group and the way it used to be. Because there also used to be alot of support there. What happened to that?

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In unrelated news, I was glad to know they found this guy over the week-end. Even if they did find his body 3 MILES FROM MY HOUSE! This entire tragedy occurred while I was gone. I got an alert from UGA on that Saturday night, but I thought it was about bad weather. Although I did think it was strange that I did not get another alert saying all was well. I just figured, 'this is Haiti, signal probably did not come thru and sure am glad I'm not flying up there tonight if it's bad weather.' Uh, no, it was not bad weather. I did not know a henious crime had been commited or that there was a nationwide manhunt on for this guy until Monday when I got back and heard it on the radio in my car. I can't even describe my shock at that point. Things like that just don't happen around here.

Anyway, not knowing his whereabouts, and knowing his house/property were not far away was creeping me out. What a horrible tragedy, what a horrible thing for he and his wife's children and for the other victim's family members, and for this community as well as the UGA community. I'm extremely relieved it's over.

Mother's Day Redoux

2009-05-11T17:35:00.007-04:00

I did not have a chance to say much yesterday. In addition to my own mother, I had another mother on my mind. She has been on my mind pretty much everyday for the past 2+ weeks, which was the day I met her. Hold on readers, we're going back to Haiti for a moment.

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When M picked me up at the airport she informed me that at least one of the birth parents would be coming on Saturday to say their final good-bye to the girls. Her feeling was that it would be the father. I had planned for this, it's something that M allows in some cases. It's one of the reasons I planned on staying 3 days. But when she told me it was actually happening, I felt weak in the knees. How do you do this, say good-bye to your children forever? Truthfully just thinking about it made me feel wimpy, and I am not really a wimpy person. I had no other information except that they were coming on Saturday. I had no idea what time. I felt safe in assuming it would not be first thing in the morning. I figured, late afternoon. Maybe later. About 1/2 way thru the day I told the girls and they just nodded. By dinner time they still had not come, but I had no doubt that that they would. I was pretty sure this involved a long car ride from Haiti's Southern Coast. We were on the terrace, it was dark, and we were halfway thru dinner when all of a sudden W started yelling "M'Tante! MTante!" (My Aunt, My Aunt) and jumping up and down in her chair. I looked over by the bar entrance, and sure enough, there was M. This is what all the kids call her. I waved, she came over to the table. She had more paperwork in her hand. She said they were downstairs. I asked if they wanted to come up and join us and she said no, they would wait for us downstairs. So she exited, I called the waiter and had him wrap up the uneaten dinners, none of us were hungry at that point anyway. While that was happening, W started jumping up and down on her chair again, shouting "M' maman! M' maman!" and sure enough, over by the same bar entrance, there was their maman and M's assistant, Caleb. They waved and then turned around and went back downstairs. We finally got the check taken care of and we soon followed. They were sitting on the wall by our room at the foot of the stairs. The girls ran up to their birth mom, and Caleb said hello again to me.

You know, some situations, you just can't prepare for. You just have to go with it. I know for some that have adopted from Haiti, this is not a big deal, and that some have already established relationships with the birth parents. But since these parents lived so far away, that has been impossible for us. At any rate, Marie introduced us, and she stood up. (And she is so tiny, but this did not surprise me at all because the girls are too) She had on a white suit with her pearls and low black pumps. Nothing fancy, but very understated and nice and I knew it was her best. She was everything I knew she would be. I wondered what in heavens she must think of me, this big blond in a tank top, but she came to give me a hug, and I said "Madame" and she hugged me and said "Madame" and we hugged and hugged. Then she held me at arms length and went into a speech. I kept looking at M, thinking she was going to break into some translation at any moment, but she waited. I know she did not give me the whole thing, because the translation was short. "She thanks you for taking these girls. They are good girls" Maman started talking again, and M said "She says she thanks you now and she will thank you from the heavens above" I looked at M sharply and she repeated "she says she will thank you from the heavens above" I said something, something like " I know they are good girls and I promise you I will take very good care of them". And then we went inside and took some pictures and she visited with the girls and Marie gave me the rest of my immigration paperwork. Then it was time to say good-bye. First of all, M gave the girls a long a serious talking too. Maman, Caleb and I watched, me in fascination, and everyone serious, and when she was done, she said,"I just told them to NEVER let a boy touch them in certain places!" I said, "wow, thank you". M said, "Oh, I tell all the girls that before they go!" and I was thinking wow, you are such an awesome woman! Then it was time for Maman to say good-bye. She was very serious but short with each girl. M and Caleb looked on with seriousness. I looked on with both hands clapped over my mouth and tears streaming down my face. I don't ever remember in my life using that gesture. Everyone was serious but I was the only one crying and I could not help myself. But they came to terms with this years ago.

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Believe me, over the last two weeks, I am very clear, as are the girls (thru smiles, tears and fears) that I am their mama. But I will never forget their first mother and of course, neither will they. I am a sheltered and spoiled American. I never thought this would be my life. I have no regrets, but I can't say I've ever had anything to prepare me for this. I am a rookie. God help me. My thoughts on Mother's Day yesterday were different than they were 15 or 20 years ago, when I was wondering if my (then) husband would remember to honor me, and what kind of gift he would come up with. Or even 10 years ago as a divorcee and a single mom, wondering if anyone cared. How foreign to what I experience now. It's so not all about me it makes me cry in shame. But I also feel a huge gratitude. Gratitude for the chance to raise these girls and give them a shot at life. And gratitude that I have been given another shot at life.

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There have been alot of moments over the last two weeks. The funniest one was the other night when I found little ML sound asleep standing up in the kitchen. I knew she had been quiet for a few minutes and when that happens, you better just check on it. The saddest? Today I took the garbage out and I forgot to tell her and when I came back she was again standing in the kitchen screaming in fear. I felt so awful. Her vulnerability was so front and center. W. tries to hide hers from me. I tell her every night that I love her very much, and I know she needs to hear it, but she has alot of walls. She wants to trust, but she is going to test first. I think that is pretty normal for her age and her circumstances. She is very much like me, at least how I was as a child. I finally got her to wear this outfit today. She has resisted some things and she is a very modest little girl, but today she wanted to wear jeans and flip-flops just like me.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T14:47:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's Day!

(And yes, they had to wear those Georgia headbands with their Sunday dresses...lol)

10 Days Home

2009-05-07T07:55:00.000-04:00

Some of you may be wondering what it's like now that the girls are finally home and I have not had much of a chance to write about that. In fact, I have little chance to write about anything! The biggest change is that I am extremely busy and only have a little time to hop on and off the computer during the day. The girls are very interested in the computer, but there is still too much language barrier for them to understand the parameters of computing rules and so I am avoiding it for right now. They just want to pound away at any and all keys, and with that I see disaster looming. However, I will start to teach them in short time.

I came home sick for the first time, and not only that, the first day back, we'd only had about 3 hours of sleep before we started our first day together. Those things may have been unavoidable but they made things more difficult. Of course, we don't live in a perfect world, so we do the best we can. They were very curious about every little thing in the house, and wanted to explore and take apart (and put back together) everything. As ready as W may have thought that she was to come here, the whole thing just rocked her world. I could tell she was really grieving and wondering what the heck she'd gotten herself into. Both of them tested boundaries to the max and found out they had some. After a couple of days of testing and pouting and crying, they settled down a little bit. Through it all I tried to keep them on a simple routine of breakfast, some morning cartoons (I don't have cable so the one's on public television are what they get and especially little ML loves those, she repeats the alphabet and numbers, etc) Then we get ready to go SOMEWHERE in the MACHINE which is the big event of the day. At first it was taking forever even get to the car to get going because of the amount of stuff they wanted to take with them, but we are down to snacks and W's little handbag, as of yesterday.

Remember this; everyday gets easier, and that is just the truth.

They eat really well...and constantly! They like plain spaghetti, rice and beans, (I use Zatarain's and it is very inexpensive at Wal-Mart) potatoes, carrots, tomatoes, pineapple, mango, watermelon, grapes, corn on the cob, eggs, popcorn, bananas, banana chips, chicken, pork, and beef although they are unsure about hamburgers. They like hot sauce and salsa verde. It's easy sometimes to forget about the Latin influence in Haiti sometimes because other things (like the poverty) are so overwhelming, and the language of business is French, and there is a dominant French, as well as American and Canadian influence there. But staying at the Visa this time, I sat on the terrace alot, and I felt like I was in Hemmingway's Cuba. Also, there were alot of Dominicans staying there, which added to that atmosphere. I believe it also contributes to their culture in the way they do things. Very socially, and a strict timetable is often just a suggestion. (No slam on anyone's culture, just saying our is different.)

Anyway, I was worried about them eating, because W was such a picky eater at Walls, and ML was always overdoing, but they have evened out to some good healthy appetites, which goes like this:

Breakfast, snack, lunch, (also an on the road snack) snack, dinner, and possibly a bedtime snack.

I have started them on a multivitimin. They went to the doctor on Monday. They will go for lab work later this week. He is going to do their immunizations in about a month. They are the same sizes, both clothing and shoes, as they were the day that I met them, almost two years ago. W has gained 5 lbs, and ML has gained 1 lb. To give you an idea...ML is 6.5 years old and weighs 38 lbs. These kids are tiny. It will be interesting to see what the lab work reports.

Knowing some simple creole helps, and having a book handy for language reference has also helped. In fact I would say the most frustration comes from communication breakdown. They get really frustrated with it, especially W. The first couple of days they were hoarding their stuff. Not food, their stuff. They kept it all in plastic bags, and W even put it back in her suitcase. I put the suitcases away and helped them put all their clothes and toys away again. And they have stayed there. Now they help me put their clothes away after I wash them, which I do alot, because they have about 4 outfits they wear over and over again. They finally figured out I was only trying to take care of them when ML ran laughing out into a busy parking lot and got a very very stern talking to which made her cry. When I got in the car with her, I saw one of my creole books and was able to explain to her that it was dangerous and I did not want her hurt. Then we went to the park and it had a little street with a crosswalk in it and I was able to show both of them how to cross the street.

They love going to church. This is a big deal. Something they obviously did before, but were unable to do for the last 2 years. I go to a very contemporary non-denominational Christian church. They are big on music, and the girls LOVE this. It is also very casual, but the girls also think church is about being dressed up, so we are the most overdressed people there. LOL. Ya can't miss us!

Yesterday I bought a $9.99 Rubbermaid step stool, which ML decided was a doll's table. As soon as we got home from the store they set up for a tea party. Except they call it "Cafe". They got all the dolls out (wish I'd been faster with the camera) and also set up on this other stool. Tea towel is the table cloth. If you look close you can see some tiny porcelain tea cups and saucers. I made them some pasta, (it was snack time again) and wha-la....we had a Cafe in the living room.

Everyone asks how is LG adjusting, and I have to say, pretty well. It is a big change for him. He and I have been pretty laid back in our lifestyle, it's just been me and him. He was talking to his brother, NG on the phone yesterday and I could tell NG asked him how it was going. LG said it was going good. He said they were loud and very energetic. This is true, especially in comparison to how quiet things were around here previously. But he does well with them, and I am sure to allow him plenty of time ALONE when he needs it, or with his friends. Of course, the girls ADORE him!

As for sibling rivalry, they have reserved that for someone else.

And ML is very serious about this. She came up to me the other night, and very vehemently informed me that I was NOT Tyler's mama, I was HER mama, then she said "and I love you very much!" Poor Tyler. He is feeling left out and lost lately. He just can't believe someone does not love him, because EVERYONE LOVES TYLER! Again, it gets a little better everyday. They are less and less afraid of him, but I would not say they are totally accepting by any means. Right now I am keeping the other dogs outside most of the time. Strangely, Molly the big fluffy Chow-Golden mix does not bother them. She is pretty mellow and unlike Tyler, I don't think she cares if they like her or not, so that may be it.

Well, that's about it for now. Today we are going to an educational toy store to see what I can find to help with some language issues. Other than that, it's taken me 2 days to post this! Yes, life has changed!

Week-End Carriage Ride

2009-05-04T06:18:00.006-04:00

Saturday I was going to take the girls to an Arts Festival in a neighboring town. After finally getting out the door and into the car and driving, little L got her whine on. There was no consoling her and I could tell she was just tired. She was also incessant. I hoped that the activities of the festival would distract her. When we got there, I realized it had been silent for a minute, and I looked in the back seat and she was asleep. So we did not go to the festival, I just kept driving!!! I drove another 30 minutes to historic Madison Georgia (Sherman's Southern HQ during The War) where my friend has a week-end carriage service. She had been wanting to meet them and had been concerned about our trip last week, so I pulled up on the town square, and there was her horse and carriage!

She took us for a short ride around the main part of town. I had been on the full tour before and that would have been too much for these girls. But it was real nice of her to accommodate us.

We are discussing her cousin, my son, and then she is giving directions to a lost tourist. The look on W's face is priceless!

When we get back to the town square we get a few photos before we let Elaine get back to business.

Hair Sisters

2009-05-02T17:55:00.005-04:00

Janet and Stephanie, thanks SO MUCH for the hair stuff! The girls love it!

Haiti

2009-05-01T07:50:00.000-04:00

I woke up last Thursday morning after 1.5 hours of sleep and the first thing I thought was: today is the day I go to get my girls. I was so freaking tired another part of my brain said 'no, not today!' and wanted to roll back over and go to sleep...yes really. When I fell asleep earlier I noted that every single muscle in my body hurt, down to my fingers and toes. This was a culmination of days of preparation, including painting the room the 'night' (in reality, just a few hours) before. Why so last minute? Well, there has been an ongoing construction project going on in my house, which involves changing out one room, and making it for LG, so the girls could go into his old bedroom. Let me just say the construction on LG's room is NOT finished, which was/is really disappointing. But, that's the way it is so we're dealing with it. Meanwhile the poor kid is living out of boxes and sleeping on the couch. Anyway, Janet and I had spent hours putting together their bunk bed before I started painting, and I swear that bed had 400 pieces to it. We were getting a little goofy putting the dang thing together. T n T wanted to help too :)

I got up and got moving and started feeling a little better. At least I had not pulled a true all nighter like I had done twice before. I left for the airport later than I would have liked, and got stuck in some nasty early morning Atlanta traffic, which worried me. I arrived at the ticketing counter 50 minutes before my flight was to leave, a little strung out. But there was no line. When I came up to the counter the lady started yelling at me that I had to go to the kiosk. I said it was an international flight, she yelled 'you have to go to the kiosk' so I went back, and sure enough it scanned my passport and printed my boarding passes. Then I had to go back to the counter to check my bags. I did NOT go to her window, I'd had enough of her. I have noticed that American Airlines has some rude employees over the last two years that I have flown exclusively with them. Anyway, positive my big bag (full of donations) was over 50 lbs, but it was only 40 lbs, I could not believe it! The gate was very close, in the main terminal, as I remembered it. I did not wait for long when I got there. It was almost time to board. But that is when I quit worrying and actually got really excited, thinking 'Yay! I'm going to get my girls!'

The irony. I'm boarding a plane---me---and I'm relieved and happy! I sat next to this really cute (too young) guy with a multitude of tattoos, who crossed himself before take-off and looked at me sheepishly afterwards. Hey, I was thanking him. I was too tired, I was giddy. I fell asleep on and off on the tarmac hoping I was not snoring. I fell asleep in the air. When we arrived in Miami, he crossed himself again, and self consciously smiled at me. Got off the plane and realized I was at the same gate Mrs. K and I were at the year before. Walked past the restaurant where we met Aves that day and had had a quick lunch, I suddenly realized the date, that I was back here exactly 10 months to the day that we had traveled this same route, same flights. It was all so eerily familiar. I thought of how long the last 10 months had felt. Once I was here in the same place, it felt like no time at all. In honor of our 10 month travel anniversary I ate at the same place and then went to find my gate which was in another terminal. I had a 4 hour layover and the planes were on time. When I got to the gate, there were alot of people hanging out even though we were not leaving for another 3 hours. I recognized a guy that came to Walls last summer trying to sell us some Haitian dolls and other crafts; what was strange was that he was on my last flight coming home too. He looked at me like he recognized me but could not quite place me. I was really too tired to socialize. I did not want to talk to strangers about my adoption. After calling Janet to make sure she survived the bunk-bed assemble, I sat across from the gate and watched TV and dozed. Finally I woke up, and several groups of people at the gate were in heated discussions, no doubt about Haitian politics, and I was glad I was sitting where I was. I did not have the energy for that on this day. I wanted to reserve myself for my girls.

The flight to Port-au-Prince was smooth and uneventful although the landing was a bit bumpy. When I stepped out of the plane I could feel a cool breeze from the top of the riser. I have never, ever felt a cool breeze in PaP before. Got thru immigration quickly, and started searching for my bags. Finally found the first one on the conveyor. Looking for #2 and the electricity goes out. That is the second time that's happened while I have been in that airport. Everyone groaned, but I was hoping my 2nd bag was on that long snake of a conveyor somewhere and not still outside. Luck was with me; I found it, and ran for the exit. Just then the power came back. I got outside and the swarming began, I just kept saying no, no, no, and searching for M's face in the crowd. Finally I saw her waving and she backs some Haitian guy off my luggage. We hug and kiss, and she says she is waiting for one more person, her friend, is on this flight. So while we are waiting we catch up. It has been a long time since I had this much face time with her. Her cell phone rings incessantly. She tells me the girls are good, and W is SO READY! I ask what about L, she just shrugs and says, L is L. (As I blog more about the girls, you will begin to understand that. I already knew what she meant, that is my Baby Pistol) She says she will take me to the hotel, and then bring the girls over later. I notice she has lost at least 30 lbs. I mention that, and she kind of half smiles. I ask her if that is on purpose, and she says 'yeah' and shrugs. Then she says 'it's mostly because of stress'.

I had already surmised that but I did not know if she would tell me or not. She went on to talk about how difficult things had become and how she would wake up in the middle of the night worrying. This is mostly around a few files that are stuck in a crazy bureaucratic conundrum. But, she said, she had made contact with a judge (?) who was sympathetic and eager to resolve the problem and she had an appointment with him soon, and was hopeful. I could tell also that she was jacked because the girl's files went thru. They were the first American files to pass in months, and there are more to follow soon, so it seems the log-jam is loose. I have said this before (maybe not on this forum) but M is a very determined woman who does not like to fail. She came right out and said that. But she didn't have to, I already knew it, because I know her character and I have somewhat of an understanding of what she is up against. She told me to tell the others that are waiting that we must not remain discouraged, we must not fight amongst ourselves, we must use our energies positively to band together, (reading between the lines, to support her) to get these kids home. She said there is tremendous pressure, building more everyday, and it is beginning also with French and Canadian governments as well.

Anyway, we wait and wait, and she wonders where her friend is. Finally, the woman emerges. She has a Haitian guy pushing a luggage cart with 5 or 6 bags on it. M gets all excited when she sees her and we start moving towards ? I'm guessing M's vehicle, and I'm just walking along airport row, looking for it, when a stubby little tiny SUV pulls up and M yells "Watch out, Marta!" I realize this is our ride. I meet M's cousin Regine, who is driving. We look at all the luggage and the little SUV and our four giant purses, and everybody laughs. But we pile it in. There are also two empty water bottles in there, that need to go for refilling, I assume, and they could take up a whole seat alone. We cram everything and everyone in there, laughing all the way. Everyone except the Haitian guy who is now asking Miss Miami Diva for some money for his trouble. MMD's attitude completely changes from sweet and flirtatious to something more moody. Her eyes are hooded. She flips her hair and then smooths it back with her hand. He asks again (and againandagainandagainandagian) with always the same reaction. Regine drives away. I felt bad for the guy, but I was laughing at MMD's audacity and her ability to pull it off. By now we are driving in Port, so no time to think about it. We get up to the main road, and Regine decides we are going to take a shortcut to the Visa Lodge, which requires cutting straight across 4 lanes of very busy traffic. For the second time that day I wonder if I am going to die en route to getting my girls. (The first time was when the Airbus bounced on landing) but after much honking and other adieu, we get across the road and start climbing up a side (unpaved) 'street'. Some of these side streets in PaP are the gnarliest things I have ever seen, (and I'm a skier!) and I mean that in the most literal sense. The only visual I can give you is it's like driving up a really twisted tree root. So we bounce around on that for a minute, still laughing about how squished we are in the car, and the street straightens out and is relatively level. Ahead in the distance I see something large. As we get closer I see it is a trash pile. Very large. With two pigs eating on it. As we get closer I realize the pigs are very large. In fact, as we get even closer I realize they are the biggest pigs I have ever seen in my life. They are huge, like wild boar size. But they are not wild boars. They are pigs on a trashpile in Haiti. And as we drive right by them I see they also have 10-12 little piglets with them, noshing around. I was dying to get a photo , but it got very quiet in the car and I was feeling that it would be the wrong thing to do. We get past the pigs, and MMD says, oh so sweetly 'So Marta, is this your first trip to to Haiti?' I say no, it's my 4th trip. M smiles wryly, and the mood lightens up again. We go around another corner or two, and we are at the Visa Lodge.

M actually goes with me to the front desk and haggles my room price for me. That was awesome! She tells me she will be back soon with my girls.

I sort the donations. I unpack. I go upstairs and lay on the chaise lounge chair, and take a few photos, until the mesquitos start biting. To which I think "Oh hell no!" and go back to my room. I'm not hungry, but I am still very tired, so I lay down and decided I'm going to take a nap even though I am so restless I don't think I can sleep. I am awakened some time later by a loud knock on the door. I open it, and there is M with one little girl on each side of her. I am always shocked at how tiny they are. And then they both shout in unison "Hello Mommy, we love you!" and run to me.