A Song Almost Heard---Passing It On

Courtney shared this from another blog.

As for me and my family, we are in these trenches. Where it will all lead, I don't know, but sometimes it just helps to share.

A Song Almost Heard

We Will Be Victorious

One problem I have with picking up blogging again is that I don't know where to begin.  So much has happened.  So, I will just begin where we are. 

Ava is currently in a behavior treatment center in Atlanta.  This is her second hospitalization in 3 weeks.  How in the world did we get here???  All I really know is that she has some very deep issues, and it is going to take alot of time and treatment to work it out.  I did go back and republish some of my private posts that I wrote 9 or 10 months ago.  As difficult as that behavior was to deal with, this has been 10 x worse. The strange thing is that for the most part, her "episodes" have been pretty dormant since that time.  A few instances here and there.  But what I see now in the midst of her completely breaking down (and acting out, sometimes violently) in front of authority figures such as teachers, principals, policemen and hospital workers is a child crying out, begging for help. It's not obvious with her anger and agression in the way, but I know she is not like that 98% of the time, and the contrast is startling.  I can't help her all by myself.  She needs, and is getting, a team.  Her barriers to acceptable behavior are increasingly being torn down.  What is left is an angry, sad, confused young girl, who is in addition, about to hit puberty. (But really, when people ask me if that could be her problem, I ask them if they have ever seen a woman go that ballistic over PMS, and they have to concur they have not.  No matter how bad it gets.  However, I concur that it could be a contributing factor) 

 She does have a diagnosis.  It's PTSD and depression.  I have a meeting with the hospital doctors today, so we shall see what else they have to say.  She will likely be released over the week-end.  Not sure she is ready, but I doubt they will keep her.  Too many kids need those beds.  When I go there, I see she is not, by far, in the worst shape.  She is not suicidal, nor homicidal, although she can get very aggressive in the midst of her episodes.  I just don't want her to get in that bad of shape, and untreated, it could happen easily.

What happened to our kids down there?  I know there were (major) issues at the orphanage that were covered up.  But some of our kids came into that place with problems, and I am not sure if she was one of them.  Elle and Stevenson were in the same circumstances, and do not have the same issues.  They have issues, of course, and I'm positive both suffered from abuse.  But they seem able to cope, to go on and be happy.  Not sure that Ava's age is the entire factor here.

At any rate, the way forward is intensive therapy, medications, and positive reinforcements such as support from extended family and other confidence builders.  It's going thru these layers inside her bit by bit.  The anger has to be dissipated in order to deal with the saddness.  Abuse issues have to be dealt with as well, which, as her therapist says, could make everything worse before it gets better.  Of course, he said that before we got into hospitalization mode.  I hope it gets better, soon.   Yes, I'm stressed out, but so are the other kids, including Lucas.

I took a demotion on my job earlier this year.  They did not take my money away, and I still have PLENTY of responsibility, but I have alot less stress, and I have much more support from the team I am working with when this stuff happens.  My boss does not freak if we have a doctor's appointment.  My boss and I are on the same page when it comes to what is really important in life.  We're both serious about business, and I want to please him, but neither of us worship our jobs.   

I do find that creating and promoting my jewelry is a great stress reliever.  It makes me excited and motivated.  Believe me, I need that right now. 


Pink Hearts and Flowers

And so, this is life right now.  I can't sugarcoat it, it's too stressful.  But I will say I refuse to give in to this evil.  We are going forward, and we will be victorious.  Victory may not look like what I thought it would 18 months ago, or a year ago, even.  But I will not give up.

How To Cope

Some of you may be aware that we have been seriously struggling lately, mostly with child behavior issues that have become severe.  I honestly do not know where all of this is going to lead, but I pray for a positive end result, and intend to start blogging again regularly.  I do not plan on cesuring my remarks, as I am so past that stage or my ability to do so.  That said, I'm still a private person by nature and do not plan to bore you with every excruciating detail.  Nor is my intention to hurt anyone.

So much has happened that I feel I will have to start with the present and work backwards.   One of my goals thru-out this ordeal of late is to get my life back.   Oh, I realize I will never get my old life back, that is not what I mean.  I mean to maintain my semblance of self, and get back parts that are essential and have been shoved aside.  Because when you live in crisis, this can happen very easily.  But I know it is healthy to maintain myself.  It is my only hope, for me, and for my family.

One major thing that I have been working on for almost a year now is the launching of my jewelry site.  Seriously, it has helped me tremendously to have this goal and work towards it, although I had to put it aside for huge chunks of time.  It has kept me focused and happy, and I plan to continue and expand my role.  But for now, I would just like to welcome you to Juxta-Pose.  I also have a blog (of course!) that links directly to the studio, but also talks about the content.  You can get to the Juxta-Pose blog with this link, or in the side-bar. 

Thanks my friends and I look forward to more communication in the near future.  I know you must be anxious for news of the children.

Memorial

I Heart Faces---Photojournalism

This week's photo challenge is photojournalism.  Pictures that tell a story.

I took this picture in Haiti in December of 2007, from the upper patio at Wall's International Guest House in Port-au-Prince.  The razor wire is on top of the wall that surrounds our compound.  I don't know this woman, but I know she is bringing home a feast.

Although Wall's is still viable, I don't think I could take this picture today, as that part of the building collapsed in the earthquake earlier this year.

Don't Forget

This year is more than half over, and so far it's been incredible! We are getting ready for the kids to go back to school, and amazingly, for the little kids, it is their second year! Not so much for Lucas, it is the last one for him. I'll have one in Kindergarten, first grade, third grade, and a Senior in High School.

Life is still very challenging at times. I have to ask God for strength, rely on family,friends, and church for support. I see Lucas struggling with all the changes. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, and sometimes I even question whether or not I did the right thing bringing these kids home.

But I know the answer to that. And I also remember knowing it would be difficult sometimes. I know in my heart and soul we are all where we are supposed to be. It's just that sometimes I miss my old life because it was easier.

Then I see something like this (swiped from 'Livesay') and it removes all doubt. My rememberance comes back in a hurry. I remember to never forget Haiti.

Don't Forget Haiti: Tent City from Ryan Booth on Vimeo.

When?

When will I start blogging again??? Soon, soon, for all 4 of you checking on us! We are well, and we have been very busy. An internet break was needed, and has been beneficial. See you soon...!