Sunday, September 23, 2007

How Did I Get To This Place?

I understand that I am sometimes hard to get to know.
I have probably driven my own mother half crazy all my life with my reserve. (Fortunately for me and her, she had 5 other kids she could concentrate on if she got frustrated with me) On the other hand, as many know, I do project a public persona, which many people take to be the real me. It’s only one part of me.

So, how in the world did I come to decide to adopt 2 young girls from Haiti?
It was not a fly-by decision. It may seem that way to some, but when I look back at my own life, I see clues. One way to sum it up is as my SW did in my home study: “Marta has always wanted to be a mother.”

Here are some things about me you may or may not know;
My biggest recurring daydream as a young (young!) girl was to have 6 children!!! (BTW this was long before my mother had 6 children.) In my mind they were very close together in age, and I named all of them, although the names changed sometimes with my tastes. I also studied Sears Roebuck, Montgomery Ward, Spiegel, and Fingerhut catalogs and shopped for them, as well as furnished an entire (imaginary) house, on a BUDGET! I had a perfect good looking husband who worked hard but did not make a lot of money. If I remember correctly, he was a teacher. I didn’t seem to shop for him too much. I did shop for the adult me though, and I pretty much had a fabulous wardrobe, LOL. This was all before I had any idea of where babies REALLY came from! I also loved dolls, and played house with them until my parents took them away from me. They thought it was best. They saw it as childish, and thought it was time to grow up. I still think they interpreted that incorrectly. Other than that, before the age of 12, I was a real tomboy. I also loved animals, and HATED the whole idea of euthenization. In the 5th grade, one of my major daydreams was to start an animal shelter with my friends. I didn’t know you called it an animal shelter because this would have been before those actually existed at least in public awareness.

When I was 11 my younger brothers started coming. We had 3 babies/toddlers in the house for the rest of my teenage years at home. Of course I had to grow up in ways many of my friends did not experience. I loved those babies, but I learned I did not want to start having them at a real young age. In college I was determined to finish my education and become some sort of career woman, although I was unsure of what career. I did meet my 1st future husband in college, and it was not long before I knew he was the “ONE”. He actually resembled my childish day-dream husband, except he got a better job out of
college and he did not want a lot of kids. (Those of you that know him should be laughing now!) I was 20 when I met him, but we did not marry for another 8 years. I must have been born independent, because I enjoyed those years of freedom, and they also shaped me in many ways. However, I will say that except for the really rough stuff (no details, sorry) I enjoyed being married to him. The previous years of independence have helped me since I have been divorced.

I was 29 when Nicholas was born and 34 when Lucas was born. I did not get my tubes tied (as suggested by my doctor) because I really wanted at least one more child, but my husband informed in the delivery room, with Lucas about 10 minutes old, that this was the last child for him. (Those of you that know him should be laughing some more) I might have pushed the baby issue with him, but the marriage was shaky, and then we moved across the country, and then after awhile we separated, so another child between the two of us was just not a realistic possibility. In the ensuing years I was so busy trying to revive my career (a matter of survival) and feed, clothe and house us, that I repressed my desire for one more child. Sometimes it would come to surface, and I would think,’ well maybe I will remarry, and then it will be a possibility,’ but I didn’t remarry within the truly viable period of time where this could actually be a possibility. So most of the time, this desire just stayed in a highly disciplined repressed place I have within me, and I did my best to concentrate on the blessings that I had. Because my boys were and are a true joy to me, and they also kept me very busy, and as they entered their teenage years, in a lot of hair color (cover up that gray LOL) The divorce also left me with a lot of financial worries that were difficult and took many years to resolve.

I have had the opportunity to remarry; however, for various reasons, I have not. While evaluating this conscious decision in regards to my recent long term relationship, I admit I did some intensive inner work about what my hopes, dreams, desires, and goals were for the rest of my life. I surprised myself when that long repressed desire about having another child popped up front and center. This really surprised me. I had been thinking it really was just a fantasy, not a true desire. Another thing I discovered was that now that I was on more solid financial footing, I had no desire to hoard money or to spend it on a lot of “things”. (I already have a great wardrobe LOL) However, I have no desire to give birth to a child outside of marriage, not to mention that this would be inconvenient and perhaps not even possible!

I was praying and meditating about all of these things, and ‘somehow’ the idea of adoption literally popped up on my radar screen. I immediately put that idea into that highly disciplined repressed place I already told y’all about. It was annoying because right after that, celebrities were in the news, adopting kids all over the globe, and I was trying real hard to keep my idea in its place. I kept telling myself how weird it was! But the concept of adoption kept rolling around in the back of my mind. And that’s exactly where I kept it. I was conscious it was back there though. It’s funny how we tell ourselves that we are open to God’s will, and then when He reveals it to us, and it scares us, we try to find reasons why that must not really be His will for us, it must be a mistake!

One day I was in church, paying attention, and all of a sudden, the adoption idea literally exploded into my consciousness. I don’t remember it being anything the pastor was talking about; I think I was just open. It was so overwhelming to me I felt literally weak, and when I got into the car I cried and cried and told God no I could not do this. Actually, I was angry at Him for suggesting it, although I was pretty sure he was not just suggesting.

Here is what I have found out when you tell God no.
He does not get mad at you; he just shows you a different way to look at things. He is the persuader. Since He knows each of us, when he is persuading He has the advantage because He knows which buttons to push! I have learned to get into acceptance sooner now, rather than later. It took one long hard week and a lot of research, and a lot of that was done under the guise of “Let me show You why I can’t do this God” At the end of the week I was numb, tired and completely freaked out, but I was surrendered. So I walked around freaked out for awhile, then got back to my research, this time with the attitude of “Well, if I do this, how can I do this?” I researched (in this order)
Russia and other former Soviet Block countries
See a pattern there? My head wanted first an Asian baby, then a Latin baby, even a Caucasian baby, but my heart kept going back to Haiti. I was also very rebellious with my heart about this. I thought the children were beautiful and certainly in need but I did not think I was the person to deal with the problems inherent in such blatant transracial adoptions.

In retrospect though, what is most instrumental is how He helped me poke around in all my baggage, to find and gently present to me my Hearts Desire, which coincided with His Will.


Ankita (Gg) said...

You stumbled upon happiness and I stumbled upon your blog, which brought me a LOT of happiness. Your blog is somehow very reassuring, though I'm a 14-yr-old and your kind of issues are nothing like what I have in my life. Your decision to adopt the kids was correct and brave. Congratulations and Good Luck.
Also, if I were an US citizen, I'd also fight FOCA. A similar debate is boiling here too. Lord knows when something like this comes up...
FOCA is bad for all those women who conceive because of rape, etc. Also, it encourages uncontrolled sexual activity, which is nearly a synonym of moral degradation, I feel. Keep fighting it please. :)

Margaret said...

WOW- this is so real- nothing like those "Gid spoke and I moved" blogs. It's true, listening to God's guidance is so hard- it's like pulling teeth. I am glad you wrote this,thank you.

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