Stumbling On Happiness: December 2010

The last few days I have been a little frantic when I have not had my camera on me to catch the "normal" moments in our lives. Like the other day at the park, where all three little kids were just acting like kids, playing, getting along with each other, and having fun. I want to remember these times, as they are interspersed into what has become the chaos. Although I have to say that even the chaos is becoming routine.   The only thing that changes is that every time Ava goes off the deep end, she pushes the envelope a little harder.

I sort of alternate between recording these incidents either on our yahoo group or on this blog. Why, you might ask, would I do that? Well, I am learning that documentation is very important, and these incidents are so compressed that it is easy to get confused in having to remember facts.

So, as of today, we are on hospitalization #7 since Sept. 24, 2010. She lasted 4 days out this time, although technically she could have been readmitted the day after she came out, if the insurance would have allowed it, which they wouldn't. Because she says she hears voices telling her to hurt herself and other people. Despite this, we were able to keep her stabilized for several days, which was good, we were able to make some progress in getting her help. Although my meeting with the school last month was difficult, the worthwhile result is that there is a team of county educators with resources looking for good solutions, and working hard at it. So there is progress on that front. She managed to get in a really good session with her therapist who is addressing her attachment issues. But by Friday, she was crumbling, and I was surprised we made it to Saturday afternoon. Behavior progressed typically: wanted to go shopping when the plan was to stay home and get the Christmas tree up. That set her off, she started agressing pretty severely on Elle and Stevenson which led to me locking them in the house and me staying outside with her. Started throwing rocks at me and at the house. I called 911 (I just got my windows replaced, and I just was not going there again!) She went out in the middle of the street. I asked her if she knew she could get hurt that way. She took off, running down the middle of the street. I started following her when I realized she was going to keep going. A jeep was coming down the street towards her, she would not get out of the road. The jeep stopped. She stopped. I got back on the phone with dispatch and asked them to hurry.   When I walked past the jeep (a very nice couple) they asked if there was anything they could do, I said thank you, no, I had the sheriff's office on the phone and they were on their way. Once I got past the car, Ava started running again, west towards the railroad tracks and the Atlanta Highway, (Yes, that very same Atlanta Highway the b 52's sing about in "Love Shack") a busy place. As I told the dispatcher, not good. But every time I would start to run after her she would take off running, so we just walked and walked at a fast clip, she was about 50 feet ahead of me. We walked about a 1/2 mile. She crossed the railroad tracks and started walking along the Highway. I was gaining on her, and she kept looking back at me, but she was letting me catch her. Dispatch told me to stay on the phone. I was able to grab her just as she tried to jump out in the road. The sheriff showed up about a minute later. She resisted him and he put her in handcuffs and down on the ground face first. She refused to walk to the police car and tried to kick the officer. She did not have her shoes on, just socks, and her feet were soaking wet and it was cold too. Finally the ambulance came, and off she went to the emergency room. She ended up having to be restrained there too, because she demanded food when she got there and wanted the TV on and did not get immediate gratification. I left the room after she spit on me. She calmed down after the therapist came and talked to her. She did apologize for spitting on me. 9 hours after entering the emergency room they packed her up to go to the psyche hospital and hour and a half away. She was very unhappy about this. The nurse told me this morning she cried herself to sleep. The nurse just called again. She is uncooperative and aggressive this morning as well and has already had to spend some time in the 'quiet' room.
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After the first of the year she goes into a residential program for (hopefully) 30 days. I don't think that is enough for her, so this is what I am working on, getting her funded for a program that will be more concentrated and long term than that.    Despite conditions at the orphanage, I honestly believe that Ava's biggest problem is her separation from her first family and extended family, whom are now exalted in her mind. She can't let go and move on with her life. She is literally sick with grief. The psyche eval should answer the question as to whether or not she is disordered in addition to that. She is a very sick little girl, which she is in complete denial about. She is in so much pain, she will do just about anything to get out of it. She wanted drugs at the emergency room, but fortunately, that did not happen this time. Her thought process is that the pain is so great (all the time) that she is up for killing herself to kill the pain, even though she does not really understand what that means. She is also out of school now, because she is freaking out the other kids. She is home bound. (When she is not hospitalized) I am off work until after the first of the year. So yes. I am longing for normality. For me, for Ava, for Lucas, for Elle, for Stevenson. I don't see it on the near horizon. But I am unwilling to give up on my girl.

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Before all this occurred yesterday, we had a pretty normal time at the Christmas Parade. I just bought a new camera, which I am so jacked up about! (Good-bye Kodak Easy-Share and good riddance!)