Thursday, January 31, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I have not been feeling real creative or motivated in the blogging department lately. I have discussed this feeling with a few other moms on our group, and I see that we fall into similar funks over similar reasons. One thing that throws me off is when I am expecting progress in an area of my adoption, and I am waiting, waiting, waiting for the news. I hate it, but it robs me in some inexplicable way and it's hard to write. I feel very flat. I know I'm not "supposed" to let it get to me, but on some level, it sure does. The other thing is that both times I have come home from Haiti, I have kind of hunkered down within myself. Initially I am so high when I get back I think I can take on the world, but reality crashes in pretty fast. For me, it has everything to do with leaving my girls behind. I find I do not suffer alone in this. Some other moms have expressed the same.
Two things have helped: getting alot of necessary work done around the house, and working on this project. I am not real computer savvy, so it was a challenge. It is 13 minutes long. It says it's eighteen minutes, but it's not, that was some extra music that got stuck way out in cyberspace that I could not get off the file. Like I said, I am no genius!
Monday, January 21, 2008
The S. Family published their pictures the other day, and they had taken this one of the girls and I. It's a very bad photo of me, but we are having fun, so that is the important thing. Remember, I had been bitten on my eyelids, and I had not even had my cold shower for the day, to add insult to injury. Sigh. It's very difficult to look good in Haiti, and I'm over it
I hate to say this, because there are fellow bloggers out there REALLY suffering right now, but it has been very cold the last few days. Low temps, and then the wind chill throws it down another several degrees. I'm not used to it being 12 degrees outside. It's very decieving because it has been crystal clear and beautiful outside.
I got yelled at by a grumpy old man and almost dropped the camera while taking this picture because I didn't park far enough off the side of the road to his liking, and he had to get in the shoulder to go around me. Out in the middle of nowhere on a 1 lane road.
It doesn't look cold, but I'm freezing in this vest and had to change into coat, hat and gloves before we went to the park.
I let shorty (not his real name) run around the baseball field. I tried to get him to run around the bases but he would not cooperate! Overall, it was a great week-end, I enjoyed having an extra day off from work. And my house projects are still here, waiting for me ...till next week-end!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Our event for the State Legislature went off without a hitch, but it was long day. It was good to get away from the routine and do something different.
The most famous bulldog in the world....
Poor Uga VI looks like he is getting old. But he has had a good run, and he is a good dog! He is so patient here, taking hundreds of with the state legislatures and interns.
If you don't know about Uga click here http://www.uga.edu/gm/902/FeatUga.html
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Local resevoir, today
Same resevoir last fall
I have refrained from planting anything. Or even planning my garden, my January ritual. And it is driving me crazy. Apparently this is more than one of life's small pleasures for me. I bought these pansies in a fit of rebellion the other day. And they were difficult to find. No one is selling flowers. Or seeds. The forecast is for another dry summer, and of course there is no way to know. I can't help but remember that "they "forcast a very busy hurricane season for 2006 and for 2007 (after Katrina) and it never materialized. But, we don't know, and we have to conserve or risk running out of drinking water. And, I am not the only rebellious gardner I know. People are planting, with the eternal optimism required to be this sort of person anyway, that we will get enough rain to sustain us this year. Then today in the paper I saw this:Make Your Own Rain Barrel
Woo Hoo!!!! I feel like a new woman! I'm going to try it next week-end. Or go out and buy one. Meanwhile, I'll be looking thru my seed catalogs...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
On that day, I began my immersion into the concept of adoption as we know it, and there was no turning back, and my life has not been the same since. I know it will never be the same. It was like a gigantic wake up call, and every day a new door opened or a new page was turned, and I saw things and learned things that I'd never seen before. I became very aware of the world outside my box. It was without a doubt one of the best things that ever happened to me.
After that I began seeing the concept of adoption in other areas. I'm not talking about pet adoption. (Why do they call it pet adoption, when it's really pet rescue???? I mean, the chances are good that the pet will be eventually euthenized if it does not find a home, I think that qualifies as a rescue!) I began to see alot of talk in Christian circles about God's adoption of us. This confuses me because I already thought I was God's child, that is how I was taught. But some people believe that because we are sinners, that when we accept Jesus Christ, we become part of God's family. Thats when we are adopted. I realize this is an analogy, and an interesting one. It is another concept of adoption. This is when we connect our heart with the heart of God.
It occured to me the other day that I have lived in the South now for 25% of my life. That is a big chunk for a native Californian. Long before the other day, however, the South had become my adopted homeland. Somewhere in the pain of homesickness and the joy of new discovery, my heart connected to this place, and that is how it became my adopted homeland. I have known this for years now.
Webster's New World dictionary says: 'adopt' v. 1.take legally as one's child 2.take as one's own 3.choose or accept
Funny, I dont see anything about the heart in there. It sounds so dry! Unless you are talking about 'adopting' a law, which is dry stuff anyway! Now I can't imagine the concept of adoption without the heart. I can't imagine the concept of adoption with out love ( with the exception of an 'adoption' of a law). Webster talks about commitment, he talks about choosing, he talks about legality, but he does not capture the concept of adoption.
Hmmn...so maybe I spoke too soon, maybe it's not just pet rescue. I know that day, years ago when I brought my puppy home from the pound, she was already in my heart. I drove to South Carolina and back two days in a row to make that happen!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Ahhhh....this much closer to a hot shower!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The church group started filtering upstairs, and Widmina woke up. And she was OK. I found that what happens with them is when one gets really upset it sets the other one off too. I can only imagine what the two of them have been through together. Or maybe not. Obviously some deep seated issues going on, which of course is to be expected. I just thought I would be dealing with it after they came home, not so much on these rosy little visits. At that point, Lovely woke up, and she did not start crying again, so I picked her up and took them to the room and helped them put on their pajamas, and then took them to the bathroom and gave them each a sponge bath, humming the lullaby the whole time. They never said a word, just looked at me with big eyes as I washed them all over and then put lotion on them. (I regretted that I had not brought powder with me) Then I had them brush their teeth and we went back to the room. They were still quiet, subdued, probably kind of fragile. We had not been in there long when the church group upstairs started singing "Amazing Grace". Their hymn filled the building. I took the girls out and we went up to the landing and sat there and listened and it sounded really beautiful and calming. Mike Schmidt came out right after me carrying Jacson, who was not feeling well, I guess he was thinking the same thing I was, that somehow this music was calming these kids. Certainly it was calming me. It was like a little extra gift from Heaven. They sang a number of songs, some contemporary Christian music as well as some known hymns. Widmina sat on the step, her head cocked, intent. For the second time that night I wondered if she had ever heard this before, she was transfixed. Finally they stopped and started their meeting, and I took the girls back to the room for bed. Wid settled right down. Lovely was somewhat back to her mischievous self. I got into bed, and she crawled right in with me. UH-oh. All the attachment wisdom tells you not to let this kind of bonding happen at this stage in the game, but the truth was there was a bonding that happened up there on the swing, when she got all that deep seated grief out. It didn't feel right to put her in her own bed but I got up and did it anyway. As she lay there, the silent tears started running down her sad little face, and I decided that this was not the way to go either. So I let her sleep in my bed, but I slept on the other end, and she was OK with that. In the middle of the night I moved to her bed, and awoke the next morning to her standing over me looking at me. Then she crawled into bed with me, and I let her. It was almost time to get up anyway.
Sometimes you just have to tell all the experts to take a hike and do what your heart tells you is right.
So, this new day started out pretty much as a repeat of the previous one. They watched Cinderella again, and them we went up to the roof, where they watched the happenings over at PAC1
Pretty soon there was finally some pay-off. Old friends appeared on the orphanage steps and they waved. The girls waved back. The PAC kids waved again. The girls waved back. This went on for awhile.
After the kids went back inside it was time to PLAY on the swing.
Then one of the nannies came over from the orphanage to get Jacson because he was not getting better. The girls were excited to see her, but they did not act like they wanted to go back with her. They lived at PAC1 for about 2 months when they first came to the creche last summer, and when the new facility for older kids opened, they went there. So they know just about all the workers and all the kids from both facilities.
Later, after lunch, Lovely started getting a little teary again. She was trying to tell me. One of the staff members went by and I asked him to translate. He looked at me like I was nuts. He said "she says shes hungry!" "But she just ate!" He just shrugged and walked off. I went back to the room and got her a pack of crackers, which she carried with herself almost constantly for the rest of the day.(After she ate about half the sleeve) I started to wonder if food issues had set her off the night before. Because whatever the problem was, it was deep seated and instinctual. Still, a mystery.
Later in the afternoon we had the opportunity to go to PAC2, the facility where they live, for a visit. The driver loaded us into his beat up compact car that had "JESUS" plastered across the dashboard. I was glad Jesus was in that tiny car with us because I felt like we were going to need Him there. This is the first time I have ever been out and about in Port-au-Prince. Besides back and forth to the airport, or across the street to PAC1. It was quite an eye opener, to say the least. Its not everyday you see goats in the street.
Or live poultry on it's way home for dinner!!!!!
When we pulled up to PAC2, the tears started streaming down first Widmina's face, then Lovely joined in. The driver turned around and saw them and said "They're crying!" I said "please tell them we are only here today for a visit." So he told them, and they told him they didn't want to go here. They did not want to go back. So I asked him to repeat my statement, and we got out of the car and went inside, and once they realized they were not staying, they were OK, and had fun showing off their new toys to all their friends. But I got a sinking feeling, because I was leaving the next day, and then they would have to come back here to stay. And I knew, once again, they were going to be upset when I left.
Last Installment tomorrow.......