We Will Be Victorious

One problem I have with picking up blogging again is that I don't know where to begin.  So much has happened.  So, I will just begin where we are. 

Ava is currently in a behavior treatment center in Atlanta.  This is her second hospitalization in 3 weeks.  How in the world did we get here???  All I really know is that she has some very deep issues, and it is going to take alot of time and treatment to work it out.  I did go back and republish some of my private posts that I wrote 9 or 10 months ago.  As difficult as that behavior was to deal with, this has been 10 x worse. The strange thing is that for the most part, her "episodes" have been pretty dormant since that time.  A few instances here and there.  But what I see now in the midst of her completely breaking down (and acting out, sometimes violently) in front of authority figures such as teachers, principals, policemen and hospital workers is a child crying out, begging for help. It's not obvious with her anger and agression in the way, but I know she is not like that 98% of the time, and the contrast is startling.  I can't help her all by myself.  She needs, and is getting, a team.  Her barriers to acceptable behavior are increasingly being torn down.  What is left is an angry, sad, confused young girl, who is in addition, about to hit puberty. (But really, when people ask me if that could be her problem, I ask them if they have ever seen a woman go that ballistic over PMS, and they have to concur they have not.  No matter how bad it gets.  However, I concur that it could be a contributing factor) 

 She does have a diagnosis.  It's PTSD and depression.  I have a meeting with the hospital doctors today, so we shall see what else they have to say.  She will likely be released over the week-end.  Not sure she is ready, but I doubt they will keep her.  Too many kids need those beds.  When I go there, I see she is not, by far, in the worst shape.  She is not suicidal, nor homicidal, although she can get very aggressive in the midst of her episodes.  I just don't want her to get in that bad of shape, and untreated, it could happen easily.

What happened to our kids down there?  I know there were (major) issues at the orphanage that were covered up.  But some of our kids came into that place with problems, and I am not sure if she was one of them.  Elle and Stevenson were in the same circumstances, and do not have the same issues.  They have issues, of course, and I'm positive both suffered from abuse.  But they seem able to cope, to go on and be happy.  Not sure that Ava's age is the entire factor here.

At any rate, the way forward is intensive therapy, medications, and positive reinforcements such as support from extended family and other confidence builders.  It's going thru these layers inside her bit by bit.  The anger has to be dissipated in order to deal with the saddness.  Abuse issues have to be dealt with as well, which, as her therapist says, could make everything worse before it gets better.  Of course, he said that before we got into hospitalization mode.  I hope it gets better, soon.   Yes, I'm stressed out, but so are the other kids, including Lucas.

I took a demotion on my job earlier this year.  They did not take my money away, and I still have PLENTY of responsibility, but I have alot less stress, and I have much more support from the team I am working with when this stuff happens.  My boss does not freak if we have a doctor's appointment.  My boss and I are on the same page when it comes to what is really important in life.  We're both serious about business, and I want to please him, but neither of us worship our jobs.   

I do find that creating and promoting my jewelry is a great stress reliever.  It makes me excited and motivated.  Believe me, I need that right now. 


Pink Hearts and Flowers

And so, this is life right now.  I can't sugarcoat it, it's too stressful.  But I will say I refuse to give in to this evil.  We are going forward, and we will be victorious.  Victory may not look like what I thought it would 18 months ago, or a year ago, even.  But I will not give up.