More Haiti

OK, so we go up to the roof and sit on the swing. Silent tears are just pouring down Widmina's face, and Lovely is sobbing, and I have no idea what is wrong with them. And I have no idea what to do either, which leaves me feeling a little panic. How can I not know what to do? I already am a mama. I start to doubt myself, and the thought creeps in that maybe I am not cut out for this, and I have bitten off way more than I can chew. Then I remember Steph writing about singing, and so I start singing a lullaby, "Hush Little Baby" but I pretty much have to make up all the words because I can't remember them. I didn't sing that much to my boys when they were little because when I would they would insist "stop singing mama!" But these girls did not do that. So I rocked and sang and sang and sang. When I got tired of singing I hummed it. I kept the same song. Instinctively I felt that repetition for these kids was probably a good thing. Pretty soon Widmina quit crying, she just sat and listened while I sang and rocked. But Lovely went into Stage II of the meltdown, where her sobs just turned to pure grief. It was like deep almost animalistic sobs coming out of her. I was racking my brain trying to think of what the matter could possibly be. I wondered if they wanted to go back to the orphanage, if they felt homesick. But the deeper her grief, the less I thought that might be the case. It didn't quite correspond to her intensity. She was beside herself. I laid back in the swing (never stopped singing/humming) and laid her down on me with her head on my chest. I had on a surplice cut top, and she opened that up and laid her head on my breast and then cried even harder if that was even possible. Widmina was next to me on the other side, and she was pretty calm, she eventually even fell asleep next to me. I wondered if being with me triggered her memories of her Haitian mama, and that loss. The level of grief did correspond to that trauma. One thing that never occurred to me was that she might be hungry, because it had not been very long since dinner, and she ate alot as she always does. The truth is, I just did not know. After about an hour and a half of this ( and my lullaby!) she finally fell asleep. Hallelujah! She must have been exhausted. I know I was! I kept rocking, and of course I felt very relieved but still mystified by it all. I realized at that moment what a ride I was in for. I wondered if I could handle it. I realized I was going to have to handle it. I remembered that God had put me here, and that He had promised me He would help me find my way. So once again I was back to Faith. And the rose-colored glasses were removed. But I was shaken.


The church group started filtering upstairs, and Widmina woke up. And she was OK. I found that what happens with them is when one gets really upset it sets the other one off too. I can only imagine what the two of them have been through together. Or maybe not. Obviously some deep seated issues going on, which of course is to be expected. I just thought I would be dealing with it after they came home, not so much on these rosy little visits. At that point, Lovely woke up, and she did not start crying again, so I picked her up and took them to the room and helped them put on their pajamas, and then took them to the bathroom and gave them each a sponge bath, humming the lullaby the whole time. They never said a word, just looked at me with big eyes as I washed them all over and then put lotion on them. (I regretted that I had not brought powder with me) Then I had them brush their teeth and we went back to the room. They were still quiet, subdued, probably kind of fragile. We had not been in there long when the church group upstairs started singing "Amazing Grace". Their hymn filled the building. I took the girls out and we went up to the landing and sat there and listened and it sounded really beautiful and calming. Mike Schmidt came out right after me carrying Jacson, who was not feeling well, I guess he was thinking the same thing I was, that somehow this music was calming these kids. Certainly it was calming me. It was like a little extra gift from Heaven. They sang a number of songs, some contemporary Christian music as well as some known hymns. Widmina sat on the step, her head cocked, intent. For the second time that night I wondered if she had ever heard this before, she was transfixed. Finally they stopped and started their meeting, and I took the girls back to the room for bed. Wid settled right down. Lovely was somewhat back to her mischievous self. I got into bed, and she crawled right in with me. UH-oh. All the attachment wisdom tells you not to let this kind of bonding happen at this stage in the game, but the truth was there was a bonding that happened up there on the swing, when she got all that deep seated grief out. It didn't feel right to put her in her own bed but I got up and did it anyway. As she lay there, the silent tears started running down her sad little face, and I decided that this was not the way to go either. So I let her sleep in my bed, but I slept on the other end, and she was OK with that. In the middle of the night I moved to her bed, and awoke the next morning to her standing over me looking at me. Then she crawled into bed with me, and I let her. It was almost time to get up anyway.

Sometimes you just have to tell all the experts to take a hike and do what your heart tells you is right.


So, this new day started out pretty much as a repeat of the previous one. They watched Cinderella again, and them we went up to the roof, where they watched the happenings over at PAC1

Pretty soon there was finally some pay-off. Old friends appeared on the orphanage steps and they waved. The girls waved back. The PAC kids waved again. The girls waved back. This went on for awhile.

After the kids went back inside it was time to PLAY on the swing.

Then one of the nannies came over from the orphanage to get Jacson because he was not getting better. The girls were excited to see her, but they did not act like they wanted to go back with her. They lived at PAC1 for about 2 months when they first came to the creche last summer, and when the new facility for older kids opened, they went there. So they know just about all the workers and all the kids from both facilities.

Later, after lunch, Lovely started getting a little teary again. She was trying to tell me. One of the staff members went by and I asked him to translate. He looked at me like I was nuts. He said "she says shes hungry!" "But she just ate!" He just shrugged and walked off. I went back to the room and got her a pack of crackers, which she carried with herself almost constantly for the rest of the day.(After she ate about half the sleeve) I started to wonder if food issues had set her off the night before. Because whatever the problem was, it was deep seated and instinctual. Still, a mystery.

Later in the afternoon we had the opportunity to go to PAC2, the facility where they live, for a visit. The driver loaded us into his beat up compact car that had "JESUS" plastered across the dashboard. I was glad Jesus was in that tiny car with us because I felt like we were going to need Him there. This is the first time I have ever been out and about in Port-au-Prince. Besides back and forth to the airport, or across the street to PAC1. It was quite an eye opener, to say the least. Its not everyday you see goats in the street.

Or live poultry on it's way home for dinner!!!!!

When we pulled up to PAC2, the tears started streaming down first Widmina's face, then Lovely joined in. The driver turned around and saw them and said "They're crying!" I said "please tell them we are only here today for a visit." So he told them, and they told him they didn't want to go here. They did not want to go back. So I asked him to repeat my statement, and we got out of the car and went inside, and once they realized they were not staying, they were OK, and had fun showing off their new toys to all their friends. But I got a sinking feeling, because I was leaving the next day, and then they would have to come back here to stay. And I knew, once again, they were going to be upset when I left.

Last Installment tomorrow.......