One Year Ago

I feel it is going to take some time to write this post. It's been playing on my mind...should I...shouldn't I...? In blogging, I strive to be as honest as the day is long. But I also do not want to reveal information that is going to be hurtful to me or my family. Sometimes I go thru periods where I feel completely barren. So much so that I can't write much of anything significant. Other times, there is so much I can't contain it. I cannot put it into words. But what I am about to write about has been an integral part of my story, of my life, over the last 6 years. It is what it is.

So...one year ago this week-end, Father's Day weekend, I had my long term boyfriend/fiance's little present sitting on the dining room table, ready to be wrapped. I admit, it was not much. It was a sentiment. He had lost his youngest stepson at the age of 29 in 2003. This was a boy he raised from toddler hood. I'm sure he would have adopted him if his biological father had not been alive. So I always recognized Father's Day for him, but I tread lightly.

Let me state right here that our relationship was passionate and tumultuous. We had been engaged but we had also been separated for periods of time. I loved this man with all of my heart but I was not sure if we could make it. He had expectations that I was not sure I could meet. We had differences I was not sure we could overcome. So I held back. I did not want to go thru another divorce.

During one of our long separations, I became not only interested in adoption, but began to understand that it was my path. Once that happened, I did not always want to accept that, but there was no turning back. I knew it was the truth. You cannot turn back from truth. Even if you try. Which I did. For the sake of this love. We reunited, and I tried to hide it from him, but worse, from myself. After a fairly short period, I understood that I could not hide this from myself, and that this was for real. It was a passion that was as deep as if I had another lover, and equally difficult to conceal! (UM...not that I have alot of experience with that, just saying!) So, I did my best to get him on board. I put Haiti out of my mind, and in my mind,went for a less extreme version of adoption. (One reason this was futile was because Haiti was already part of the plan. I just pretended to mysef I did not really know it) He had expressed some interest in having children in the past 5 years, although it was surely going to require a lot of medical maneuvering with no guarantees. However, as I approached him with the adoption idea, he was cold to it.

Now I was in a pickle. The passions of my heart, of my path, was dictating one thing. The reality and passion of my life was dictating another. I felt alone, afraid and isolated, and it showed. I did not know what to do. I had coasted on this, living mostly without him, for many months, very indecisively. All of a sudden now, something inside me was demanding action. This pressure was very real and it came out of nowhere, and the last thing I felt equipped to deal with. Because I wanted it all. I wanted more "time to convince him". I became distant and lost in my mental landscape because I did not know how to talk to him about it and I was sure he would not understand. And something inside me was PUSHING me to act now!

Finally, on that Friday before Father's Day, we had a huge blowout, with him accusing me of having another lover and a whole lot of other things. It was so ugly I left without telling him the real reason. Or maybe I should say he kicked me out before I told him the real reason. Either way, same result. We had been at the point of seriously making the marriage happen. I can understand why he felt the way he did, although I don't excuse his bad behavior, or mine. I was distant and confused. I really felt I could not talk to him about the truth. And I knew I could not marry someone in which that was the situation.

After the blowout, I came back home, and this is when our orphanage director stated that if we were serious about our adoption, we needed to have our dossiers to her in Haiti in 29 days. The implementation of the laws of 1974 were nigh. The only thing I had done so far was order my birth certificate from California.

So, I took that as a sign and got busy. I got a homestudy completed in 2 1/2 weeks,(yes, I said weeks!) and everything else I needed, unbelievably. The whole thing was a blur, so much so that when people ask me questions about procedure, I cannot remember what I did. Anyway, the rest is history. I took it to Haiti and gave it to the O director on the day of her deadline.

Although she has continued to process files since that time, I have known since last summer that Haitian adoption continues to be a pretty dodgy affair. However, I got the wake up call, I made my choice, and I went for it. I have absolutely no regrets and I know I did the right thing. But I will tell you that losing that man has been very hard on me, even if that is the way it was meant to be. There is one more coda to the story of he and I, but it may be it's own story, and I will save it for another post. Maybe. Suffice it to say the past year has been a roller coaster of true grief, excitement, elation, monotony, depression, discovery, determination, and sometimes victory. It has been the best and the worst of what life has to offer. Most of all it has been a true revelation and a close walk with the Lord.