Monday, June 29, 2009

Control

When we adopt, we obviously enter uncharted territory. As much as we read about stuff, or intellectualize things, we can never really know what the heck we're dealing with or how we are going to handle it until we are there in the midst of it all.

I wish I could tell you everything was puppy dog-kisses, hearts and butterflies all the time, but that would be a lie. Although it's pretty close a whole lot of the time. These two girls are so sweet natured it just amazes me. But they are also children. Hurt children. Underdeveloped children. Children with some physical ailments still lingering.

It's hard to remember all that in the heat of a tantrum. And they both have them. Princess Pistolera started almost immediately. While we were still in Haiti. While she is more frequent, in an odd way she's more manageable to me. Her tantrums are sort of age appropriate. I can put her in the time out chair, which is not isolated, and she eventually comes around and reverts to her sweet little self.

Little Miss Lady has other methods. And they have not surfaced until quite recently. I knew it was coming because it's not possible for a child to be perfect all the time, and she is naturally very pleasing, very easy going. She does like to control her environment. She likes to control her little sister...not always possible....and she has a little temper that shows itself sometimes. Lately, that's everyday.

She can be VERY stubborn, and I have been getting discouraged. Mainly at myself because I have been succumbing to anger, and when that happens, guess what, she knows she pushed my button, which is what she wanted to do in the first place. Last night I brushed up on my "Adoption Parenting Toolbox", trying to remember why she was throwing these troublesome tantrums in the first place.

Oh yeah. It's about control. And anger. As in "I'm a 9 year old child, and I don't really have any control. My birth parents made the decision to give me away. WHY????????????"

I have to remember not to take it personally.

So this morning, she started first thing. Why this surprised me I don't know, but it did. She did not want to get up, get dressed, or go to 'summer school' and she cried and pouted and stalled the whole time she got dressed. Then she refused to brush her teeth. Refused. I told her if she did not start by the time I counted to 3, I would be brushing them for her. She chose to go there. Matter of factly, and rather vigorously, I brushed her teeth for her. Boy was she mad. But I'm thinking she may not do that again cause it was not that fun for her. In the car she threw her banana and her bottled water at her sister. I calmed glanced back at her glowering face and told her she would NOT be watching High School Musical tonight when we got home. No Gabriella (whom she idolizes) for her tonight. Then I turned up the volume and sang with the radio the entire way to daycare, like I was having the time of my life. She was less pouty, but still rebellious when we arrived. She had taken her sandals off and hidden them under the seat. She put her shoes on S-L-O-W-L-Y when I asked her to, and did not resist going in which was an improvement. Last Friday she had a full-on melt-down when we arrived. But today I said "I'm going to tell you a secret. Mommy does not like to get up and go to work either. So I understand. Just like you don't like getting up for summer school. But it makes us better, so that's why we have to do it". She accepted me giving her a hug, even tho she was still really mad, and then for good measure she stomped off to join her classmates.

I'm getting ready to go pick them up now. Undoubtedly she will be little Miss Sunshine. This is how it goes. She will be the child she is 95% of the time. But I don't expect all this negative stuff to stop right away. I don't know when it will stop. I know I felt better not losing it today. I know she has to learn about consequences of her behavior. I feel like I made some progress today. I was able to show some empathy, instead of my anger, and it was not easy. I'm not that patient. It's true what they say; anger usually just continues a bad cycle. And I really do feel for her. I can't imagine what goes on in that head sometimes. I am in awe that she is as easy and loving as she is considering all she has been thru.

Anyway, just didn't want y'all to think it was all puppy-dog kisses hearts and butterflies all the time. And I think we will be washing the car tonight since we won't be watching HSM.

8 comments:

sarah said...

WOW I totally hear you! It is not easy almost everyday for me either but it is getting better. Sounds like you are doing great with it though. No fits for us a few days in a row now! YAY

Janet said...

I fear this will be a big issue with bring Darline home. I have lots of time to prepare lol!

Steph, G's Mom said...

marta you sound like you handle things exactly like i do. i love for G to see that she ain't fazing me....except i wish i could do that 100 percent of the time!!! I think we have to be the rock for them, and that means maintaining the cool. and i love it when she is TRYING to push my buttons and i just shrug her off. i think you are doing great! and i love that secret you told her!!! cuz ain't it the truth! esp. today when my kid got to go to sunsplash water slide park and i hadda go to work. nyah!

Jennifer said...

This is yet another post i need to bookmark and pull up when the girls come home and I find myself at my wits end. Thanks for sharing.

veggiemom said...

Sounds like you really have her figured out. Responding appropriately is often easier said than done but I think you're on the right track.

Lisa said...

Marta,
I love your posts, they are real and honest and seem to paint a true reflection of what is going on, both good and not so goood! Kuddos to you for how you are handling things, and remembering that you are SO important in this as well. That you have to stay on top of your own sanity and keep yourself healthy and strong to take this all on for a very long time to come most likely! My heart aches for the pain that I know they must harbor, but with your gentle guidance and only occasional anger they will find the rock they need in you!

Thanks again for sharing, I too will bookmark this post and most likely need to read it!

Lisa

sarah said...

Marta you asked how we've done it and yes just consistancy. I don't put up with it if he hits he sits on his bed, I tell him in our home there is no hitting. If he pouts and cries he sits on his bed, I give it NO attention. I praise him like crazy everytime he shares or does something good. When we do something fun we talk about it. After the fits everyday, I finally said do you like to cry on your bed? And he said no (really he hates it) and I asked him why he does it and he shrugged his shoulders and really hasn't done it hardly at all. I have a funny story about how I finally got him to sleep through the night too, so if that is an issue just email and I'll tell you.

Thomas said...

I totally relate. When R has a meltdown and won't look at me (that is my hot-button) I have to remember that he wants me to freak out. It is the HARDEST thing to NOT wig out. I keep telling myself, "Don't let him see you sweat." I find ignoring the situation after addressing it and acting really nonchalant bugs him. Man this discipline thing with the 'new' kids is a really hard tango to learn. Just know, others are feeling the same thing!!

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