Attention Deficit

This is not a post about learning disabilities. This is a post about post-institutional behavior.
And when adopting, most of us face at least some of it.

The title for today's post could have also been hypochondria. Because that is how lack of attention and perceived lack of attention is currently manifesting itself, especially for Miss Lady.

In a way, this is a hard one for me because as I have written before, I am the anti-hypochondriac. But it was not always that way. When I was a little girl, about the same age as Miss Lady, I was an internal hypochondriac. I had an on-going fantasy life that involved me getting sick and being in the hospital and having everyone come to visit me and feeling really bad about not paying enough attention to me. In my fantasy it all ended well with me completely recovering from whatever ailment and my family and friends put in their place and never taking me for granted again. All I can figure is that 1.) I had a middle sister who was a complete drama queen and had to have center stage at all times, and 2.) being the oldest I was physically and emotionally responsible for all the children (lots of them) much of the time.

I see so much of myself in my little girl. And did I mention that adopting/having children brings up alot of old issues??? (It's normal, I found out. And it's OK.)

She does not do the fantasy thing so much as she tries acting it out in reality. Yesterday she got a scraped knee at daycare. Actually two scrapes. Since band-aids usually cure everything, she got two, plus some antiseptic, and was sent on her way. So when I arrived to pick her up, she was sprawled out in the corner of the room, upset, and when she saw me, she started crying for good measure. Miss Valerie said " I don't know what is wrong with her" as she held my arm and limped out the door. But I did. I knew what was wrong.

I'm not sure how kids at home in Haiti are treated when they are sick, but I'm pretty sure it's not medically. There just is not enough of it. If they have a good mama (and mine did) does she fawn over and make a big deal, since that is all she can do? Or does she tell them it's going to be OK and send them on their way, since there are much bigger deals going on daily such as how to eat? I do know that when kids got ill at the orphanage, they got some medical treatment and also some special treatment, which is wonderful. Getting that kind of attention must have felt like hitting the jackpot.

Miss Lady has a little (middle) sister that has her own attention issues. She may not be quite as dramatic as my sister was, but she is close. So when we got home yesterday, the issue over the knee subsided until bedtime. I put on new antiseptic and two new band-aids and we went to bed. I was really exhausted after a busy week-end and going back to work. Miss Lady decided it time to start wailing about her knee hurting. I propped her knee for her, and then Princess P decided to get in on the wailing action too. Usually they are good about falling asleep, but not so this time. After talking, soothing, and doing everything I could think of to ease them and NOT lose my mind, I did something I had not done before. I got up and walked out.

I knew that was not going to make them feel better but I had to get some distance or I was going to lose my patience. After about 10 minutes the wailing turned to full on hysteria, and by that time I had regained myself. I went back in their room and turned the light on. I told them I would not stay in their room if they kept up their wailing, but I would stay if they stopped. Princess stopped immediately. I turned out the light and crawled into bed with them. Miss Lady whimpered a bit longer, including telling me over and over "it hurt". My empathy capacity had returned in my 10 minute hiatus, and I was able to tell her I knew it hurt and I was sorry about that. (And also if you go to sleep you won't notice it...) And she did fall asleep shortly.

I'm not saying this is the right way to do it. Everyone has to find their own way and all kids and most circumstances are different. As much as I hate the fact that these kids have a seemingly infinite/abnormal (which makes sense considering circumstances) need for attention, trying to constantly appease that is not practical for real life, nor is it even possible. Because the pit can become bottomless. That is human nature. The immature human yearns for unending adulation/love. An untreated bottomless pit can lead to addiction and other destructive behaviors.

I find that somehow I have to distinguish the fine line between nurturing and enabling and it's not always easy. It's hard to see kids hurting. Sometimes it's hard to know if/when they are manipulating. When I look at it thru their eyes (and as a child, not an adult) the way becomes more clear. I also find it helpful to blog about this stuff because there is not alot of support out there in the 'real' world. Most people just don't 'get it' because most people do not have a realistic experience with adopted children. And yes, it's a different experience than bio-kids.

At any rate, while some of this is trying, it's also very rewarding and I would not trade this experience for anything. The girls are so funny. On Sunday night Princess looked over at Miss Lady and said "Hey! No crying today!" She meant that neither of them had a meltdown and it was a real accomplishment.