At the 3 month mark, I thought I would have all kinds of profound words of wisdom. I do not; my brain is mush, my back hurts, and I should be getting ready to go to work right now! Life is very busy for us. It can also be very unpredictable. I will begin to think things are really going great, every thing is on track, then I get some random surprise out of left field. In other words, life is very life-like lately.
And I would not have it any other way!
We have the joy and the pain. We experience the agony and the ecstasy. We take the bitter with the sweet. And above all else, we keep our eye on the ball. Don't lose sight of the goal posts! Yes, we might move the goal posts, and the goal may change daily, but big or small we do our best to keep it all in our sights.
I would like to say we are super-duper organized, no one ever loses their composure, and every single problem is reasoned out with collaboration by all, but of course that would be a lie. I recently watched 'Cheaper by the Dozen' on TV. I had never seen it before, but I laughed my @ss off. Because even tho it's goofy, there is such an element of truth to it. And I only have 1/4 of the kids! Most of my peers do not have unruly families: I do. Their lives are organized to the nth degree, even to the future. Mine is not. That said, I would not have it any other way!
So, here are some things that have happened lately.
The explosion of language continues. Almost all conversation, including bickering, occurs in English. I sometimes have a difficult time with the accent, but they learned along time ago to panomine for me.
Mostly they move forward with lightning speed, but sometimes regression happens. When I see my 9 year old with her thumb in her mouth and she was already out of sorts to begin with, I know we are in for some rough waters. She was really having a rough time a week or so ago. Meltdowns everyday. Long ones and lots of grieving, which is hard. Hard for her because it's painful, hard for me because there is nothing much I can do to alleviate the pain except be there. Sometimes all this is accompanied by rebellion and acting out, and I can only think that she is testing me to see if I will still be her mom when it's over with. I will, and I am.
My Princess has mostly just acted like a 3 year old when she regresses, and that can be frustrating. She confirmed my feeling that she will sometimes do something negative/destructive just to get attention if she thinks things are not going her way. The last few days though her grieving has just taken a different route. She has been quiet and sad. That is actually harder for me to take; I want my Pistolero back! Finally it came out. She said:
"I want you to take me to see my first Mama"
While I realize they think about these things everyday, it shocked me to hear her say that, it's something I would expect her sister to say. When I have talked about their Haitian mama that is what I have called her...their Haitian mama, or their mom in Haiti. But she said her 'first mama'; this is language she is familiar with, so this must be how it's been explained to her. I said:
"Do you miss your first mama?" a rhetorical question of course, but I did want her to verbalize her feelings.
"Yes"
"Honey, that is totally normal. Of course you miss her"
Her sister chimed in at that point and was actually trying to divert her pain and the subject moved on. My mind was racing, because I was not sure how to tell her that I could not take her to see her first Mama. Since the question was never answered, I'm sure it will come up again. And the answer is, I don't know. Not anytime soon. I don't want to tell her maybe in ten years, or when she turns 18. I'm still not sure what I'm going to tell her. I think sometimes that is what the agony of her older sister's grief is about. She knows this is permanent, where as my little one has not quite grasped that.
I love having conversations with the girls. Pistolero is more babyish, but Miss Lady tells me alot of things about life in Haiti, life at the creche, life at home. You probably have not met too many 9 year olds that have witnessed not only one live birth, but two! (Mama and Sister) An older brother has a horse. Papa taught them how to whistle. They actually are not very interested in talking about Haiti and from what I've heard from other parents, that seems to be common. But I do keep the door open, so sometimes they just tell me these things.
School starts next week and we are getting ready for that. I'm talking next week off (yay!). And my oldest son is flying home on August 12. Not sure how long he's hanging around, but I can't wait to see him! And the girls can't wait to meet him!
Picture Album---At The Park
Celebrating 3 months at home....
A catapiller @ the community garden
Walking the trail....
to the shoals...where we met this pretty dog!
And back home again...
8 comments:
Marta,
Again, your willingness to share the good and the not so good are very welcomed! I really want to give you a huge hug, it seems you are being so strong for the girls. That was a powerful thing that your little one shared w/ you and already, WOW! I think it is great how much you are really letting them know you are there and want to listen and hold them when they are hurting. That is all you can do right now, but just being "present" for them will bring them lots of peace!
It would be fun to hear there stories about the creche, if they are something you can share I would love to hear what their life looked like there.
Looks like the park was a grand time!
I can't believe it's been three months already!! They look great and sounds like all is well. My kids love when you update and they can see new pictures of the kids.
Happy 3 Months! Thank you so much for sharing everything, including the parts about grieving and missing Haiti. Miles is happiest when looking at pictures from the O, and telling us who everyone is and then acting silly like each kid does. Sometimes its hard for me to grasp the magnitude of what he must learn to grasp.
Your girls are so beautiful, and I love to follow along and see how you're all growing into a very lovely family :)
Sounds like things are going well and quite normal. I have to say Ve hasn't shown any specific grieving for her first family. I have been asking questions, but I am not so sure she understands it all.
Mim (if she actually makes it home) will probably be another story.
Thanks for sharing
Aves
Ooops--I wrote my comment on my friend Becky's computer, which is why the BBBunch came up. Just so you don't think there's some cyberstalker out there posing as me :)
Wow that is a lot going on! Zac is also staring to talk enough I can ask him questions about Haiti, but he doesn't remember his 1st mom. He says he doesn't want to go back to Haiti and that he does not miss it. He has told me a few stories one that Roudley was mean to him and he would take away his food and they would fight. He doesn't seem to grieve it at all we will see what time brings. You are doing a great job!
That is a wonderful post, such good insight into the journey children and families are on once they've completed the adoption.
Happy 3 months!!
A belated happy 3 months. It sounds like, all in all, the girls are doing great.
Medina still misses Ethiopia a ton and talks a lot about going back. She knows I'm going back next spring sometime and has, for now, pretty much accepted the fact that she won't be coming with me. She frequently asks when she can go back and I answer very vaguely. I always tell her it will be in several years or a long time. So much of that depends on her and how she adjusts over the coming years.
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