Life Interrupted

My friend Jen brought her baby home from Haiti 2 weeks ago. One of the issues she is dealing with in terms of adjustment is the loss of her old life, the way things were before she had five kids at home instead of four. It got me to thinking about my own impending adjustment. No one has come out and said it to me (yet) which has kind of surprised me, but I'm sure it's coming. You know the logic; here I am getting back into raising little kids again, when I've got one out of the house and another one with a few short years left. I'm sure there are plenty of folks I know thinking I've gone plumb crazy. Don't we yearn for our own independence after years of hard hard work and premature grey hair? When we can travel or move or ride a Harley anywhere we want to?

Well, yes...I guess. But when that all starting looming as a reality for me, I realized I missed something, and I was not done yet. And then I realized that there were millions of children out there in the world that needed families. Of course I already knew that on an abstract level, but it wasn't real to me until I took my blinders off and really started looking around the globe with a different eye. Before that, I shut myself off to that reality because I didn't know what to do about it. And, because I was preoccupied with my own life. I was self-centered. (And, just to let you know, I still, and always will, struggle with that particular character defect.)

My boss ( a woman who has contemplated adoption herself) came right out and asked me why I didn't decide to adopt stateside. I would have loved to do that. But our system is not conducive to the adoptive parents, or even the children involved. Our system is about the rights of the birth parents. I'm not going into a discussion about that right now, except to say that I knew I could not deal with the back and forth that often entails, or the damage it does to these kids. I heard so many stories of failed adoptions. I knew I could not afford it financially or emotionally.

But anyway, back to my self-centered lifestyle which is about to disappear. I'm OK with it. I was worried about it the first time I was pregnant. I had always been wildly independent (some would say that is still true). I have a huge creative streak in me that has to be nurtured, and sometimes it has to be nurtured MY WAY. That means that getting creative cooking dinner is not gonna satisfy me. I already knew this about me when I first gave birth at the age of 29. And I was able to work it out. Nick did take naps, and I learned to organize my day so that I could work at that kind of thing while he was asleep. I figured it out. So for me, it's not so much about traveling the world or riding a Harley. It's about artistic and/or creative expression. I mean, kids can travel. And I don't care a hill of beans about riding a motorcycle.

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I rob myself of this time now more than my kids ever did, because I let my job and the stress of being a single parent do that to me. That's the real culprit. I find I squander alot of time now, trying to deal with stress and fatigue. I don't know all the answers on how to make this better, but I'm working on it and I'm open to suggestions. Good health and exercise is a major key. These are things you can no longer take for granted in your 40's/50's. Your body becomes like that classic car you have in the garage and you love. You have to be careful with it and you have to be proactive. And you have to be "prudent". I think it sucks, but I'm finding that's just the way it is.

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Sometimes I just have get off the schedule and do what I have to do. I had my day all planned out and it entailed cleaning and projects. I ended up doing very little of that today. I had planned on making my sister a bracelet and some matching earrings for her (very belated) birthday present. Which I did, and I enjoyed it so much I just made jewelery all day long. It had been so long since I had done this, I just could not stop!

Butterflies on the brain....

Finally, I get outside to let the dogs do their thing! I was engrossed!