Pride

I wasn't planning posting this, but it was so darn ironic, and to me, *FUNNY*---I just have to go forward.

Since I have been back from my trip, I have felt renewed in a number of ways:

re·new (dictionary.com)
To make new or as if new again; restore: renewed the antique chair.
To take up again; resume: renew an old friendship; renewed the argument.
To regain or restore the physical or mental vigor of; revive: I renewed my spirits in the country air.
To replenish: renewed the water in the humidifier.
To bring into being again; reestablish.

v. intr.
To become new again.
To start over.

This is very significant to me. Life lately has been very difficult, especially the past year. Some of these things I've blogged about, *ad nauseaum* (adoption woes), some I've have touched on, and one thing in particular I have not mentioned at all. It concerns my job and all that drama, and probably deserves a blog all it's own. You know, one I would name after a particularly heinous soap opera. It would not be an exaggeration. But even that situation is becoming resolved, and after years of dysfunction and strife, my job is beginning to resemble a place of employment as opposed to a never-ending, drama producing, production retardant black hole. But I digress.

My house, my home and garden, has fallen by the wayside under all this pressure. And I have struggled with that, but most of the time did not have any energy left to do much about it, which produced frustration on top of frustration. I could not understand what was wrong with me. It just seemed that all I could do was survive. Besides the job drama and the adoption (that should be enough) my personal situation and the not-yet blogged about-aftermath took a huge toll. I would eek out some effort or a project here and there, and then everything would fall into disarray again. I have never liked to clean, but I love a clean house, and I have always managed to keep it together. Things got so bad I considered hiring someone to help me come in and sort the junk and get organized, like they do on HGTV, but I was just too embarrassed to do that. And I was afraid with my state of mind I would not be able to maintain it. Plus, I knew somewhere deep down inside me, I had what it takes to get 'er done, but somehow I just couldn't.



At this point you may be thinking "go to the doctor and get some meds!"...I am all for getting medication when you need it, but I fear we live in an over-prescribed society. What I was going thru, I felt, needed to be dealt with cold-turkey. I was right about that. As I have said previously, the past year has been about a very close, right-under-His-wing, walk with the Lord. (That being said, I did find out over the past year I do have a chronic auto-immune problem that has likely been a contributing factor. And that is being addressed with medication.)


So, somehow, finally, I have been renewed. Maybe not completely healed, but on the up-side! Getting there. You know what I really hate? How much junk mail we receive, on a daily basis. It's ridiculous. I had let it pile up, along with the regular mail. I mean, really let it pile up. It was all mixed in together. So Saturday afternoon, my project was to go thru this mess in an attempt to get my dining room table and my life back. It took several hours, and I burned up my shredder (R.I.P.) but it was completely worth it. My dining room table looks awesome, my mind started organizing my next project, and this is what I found, in the all that mess:



My economic stimulus check from the Feds

Gift cards to Lowes, Starbucks, and Earth Fair (whole foods store)



Total value: $990.00



I am going to tell you the truth. I sat down and laughed and cried at the same time.

So, why am I posting this awful confession? What's wrong with me?

Because I'm doing my best to keep it real. This has been a huge issue for me. So many of us hide ---SOMETHING---in our attempts to *look good*. We hide our shame. It's a house of cards, I can assure you. But when you find almost $1000.00 in a pile of junk mail, well, there is just so much material there to think about!

I am very grateful about finding this stuff, of course. But more than that, I am grateful for the gift of renewal. And that trumps pride.