My Life Lately

I have not been the best of bloggers lately. Not that it's a contest or anything. The truth is, I don't have much to say on the adoption front. I'm waiting to hear whether or not I have actually exited IBESR with my presidential signature, or if I'm still languishing there with so many others. I sent some dolls to New Mexico to a family that is traveling to the "O" this week-end, and of course, we always hope for pictures! So maybe we will have some when they return. I am also in the process of planning my own trip for the latter part of June with another mom from our group. There is much controversy as to how much we should be visiting these children before they are able to come home. The problem being, potentially that the kids can bond to us in a short period of time, and then we have to leave, creating feelings of distrust and (more) abandonment. I have certainly experienced the trauma (for everyone, including me) of leaving, and I have written about it here. It is difficult to draw the line between my own desires and possible selfishness, and what is best for these kids. I know they benefit from my visits, and I hope that out weighs their disappointment and hurt when I leave without them. I hope to God this is the last time I have to do this. The other side of the coin is that I need this time with them, every six months or so, to keep me connected, not only to them, but to the whole process. It's not that I could ever (!) forget about them but one of my unconscious defense mechanisms is indifference, and I just do not want to go there. This may be very hard for some people to understand, unless you are adopting from Haiti. This process is grueling. You can stay stuck in a government office for months on end with no explanation. Rumours fly, and if you let yourself, you can lose hope. We all have our ways of dealing with this and it's not always pretty, and sometimes we talk about it and sometimes we don't. It's hard as hell.

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The other thing going on is lots of "yucky stuff" (as L.K. says) at work. Oh boy. I posted a few weeks ago on my "MeMe" that I was burnt out and depressed about my job. I had been feeling that way for awhile, and had just finally admitted it in print. Within days my world began to tilt wildly. My colleagues and I heard rumors that our new "boss" (actually my direct supervisor's superior) was going to move us around---and I can assure you this was not going to be a promotion. It would not have been a true demotion but it would have been perceived as one. Which really irked me because I have 12 years of outstanding evaluations behind me, and I have not been told by ANYONE I'm not doing my job. We heard about all this because the "boss boss" unloaded that information on another group of colleagues in a meeting, which was completely unethical. And, of course, the information was leaked. So I confronted our direct superior about it, and unfortunately, he knew less about it than the people on the receiving end of that meeting, and he technically out-ranks that group. He does not have alot of backbone usually, but I was white hot, (not in a sexy way) and I think he was afraid of what I was going to do next, (meet with the Department Head) so he took it to the "boss boss". I will tell you here that I started really appreciating my job, even though I have faced terrible obstacles in the last few years, and I started praying that she would not go thru with the moving around. I prayed and prayed, but my colleagues told me they felt it was hopeless. I was scared, but I prayed anyway. By the end of the week, she made the decision to keep us where we were, and it blew everyone away. I was blown away by the power of prayer, because I can tell you my faith was weak and I think non-existent for some of my peers, as well as our supervisor. He did not seem to have much faith that he could turn it around, which is sad, because it's "his" operation and we are "his" people! And, after his meeting with her, he gave his resignation so I really have no idea what happened in there. Oh, the drama. Oh the trauma. There is so much more to this, and it is ongoing, but I would have to publish a book, and I am not going to do that today, so I won't go there. Besides, the book would be rated "R", if books had ratings. I try to stay away from "R" ratings on this blog!

The upside is that it has renewed my enthusiasm for my job. It has boosted my faith in the power of prayer. It makes me want to go to work when I wake up in the morning, and all of this is good.