Living In The Mystery

I have been only been reading Beth Moore for a few months. I stumbled across one of her books at Sam's club, and I have been hooked ever since. I had the opportunity to attend a simulcast conference/study this week-end; to say it was awesome would be a gross understatement. But right now, I am at a loss for words for once. Let me say this group of church ladies (70,000 nationwide as well as Canada and Mexico City) is not the stereotype you remember from your childhood, or even the old SNL re-runs, which my sisters and I still roll on the floor laughing at.

Spirituality is a huge thing in my life, and for me that translates into Christianity. That has not always been the case. I had some HUGE wounds around this area which are now scars. I spent many years rejecting God in my life, and had a very limited understanding of Jesus Christ. One thing I understand now that much of it is a mystery and it's OK. Many things in our lives are a mystery. Love can be a mystery. My own inner workings are a mystery, although goodness knows I spend a great deal of time trying to figure myself out. Men are a mystery! (I know, they say that about us) I imagine it's that way by design. Paul says in Corinthians I that we have the understanding of children. The church I grew up in was VERY legalistic, so mystery was not discussed that I remember. Still, I am grateful for the foundation that my formative religion provided for me when I realized I wanted and needed God. That was a big first step. For many many years prior to that I was quite doubtful of His existence.

I am not at all ashamed of Christianity but I do not talk about it constantly or openly. I would feel like a huge hypocrit. However, if you get to know me, you will find out soon enough it is part of me. I would never force my belief system on anyone, especially after all I have been thru in this area. There is a time to witness, and the rest of the time I just need to live my life to the best of my ability. I have lots of areas of growth and love to concentrate on in my own life. Huge areas. Monumental areas. But I do want to say that for anyone that is interested, I recommend Bible study guides by Beth Moore, whether it is live, simulcast, or a class at a church. She is extremely passionate about her work, and her passion will translate to a blessing for you if you work it. You can check out her website here, and her blog, here.

I attended this event and really did not know what to expect. I brought some heavy burdens and confusion with me. I have analyzed this stuff to death and I have done my best to turn it over, but I keep taking it back. (I am aware that this shows a huge lack of trust on my part!) Without getting too weird here, let me just say I found a real willingness to hand this crap over for once and for all to the One that can take it. I left feeling lighter, but with this feeling like I wanted to protect my heart. I just wanted to keep it all inside me for awhile. I did not want to analyze any of it, I just wanted to experience this feeling. There must have been some kind of purge going on. I ran two errands and I was suddenly overtaken by complete and utter exhaustion. Exhaustion that lives deep down in the marrow of your bones. All of a sudden I could hardly move. I feel like I barely made it home! I took a 5 hour nap (!!!) on a Saturday afternoon and needed every minute of it. When I woke up it was almost dark and I could not remember for a good long minute what day it was, I had been so far down under. Like anesthesia.

Maybe I am finally ready to let go of this burden. But I am not going to analyze any of it right now. I'm just saying. For today, I'm just going to live in the mystery. And enjoy it.