Last night I had a dream about the girls. We were on some kind of group outing, like a camping trip. There were people there that I work with that had their families with them and also some adoptive families I "know" from blogging. I was negotiating a deal with a roadside vendor for a doll house for W. In my dream it was just like the one I had when I was a little girl. The reality is that I never had a doll house even though I always wanted one. The rest of the time in my dream I was chasing L around and trying to get her to behave :)
*******************************************************
I miss those two so much. Sometimes the whole thing seems like a dream to me. A dream that you wonder if it will ever come true. And yet, having been there and lived it with them, I know it's real. I know they are counting on me. Lives hang in the balance. All of our lives have changed drastically, and huge sacrifices have been made.
I knew I would have a difficult time with the beginning process. I knew the months of waiting, stuck in one or more phase for an undetermined time, would be hard for me. I don't think I anticipated it would also be hard on them. I don't think I anticipated that it would be so very difficult at the end for us all. Where you can see the finish line but you are forced to crawl over it.
************************************************************
I called Marie tonight, which is not usual. I wanted to know this: should I make plans to visit again, or should I hold off for pick-up? Tonight, we do not have the answer. I have to call back next week to find out.
I don't want to go thru it again. But....the possibility lurks that it could be many months before pick-up.
If you have read my blog you know the leaving is terrible. My girls are old enough to understand time, and time lost. In December, many mothers will visit, that is the new visiting time. If I do not come, and it is many months later before pick up, how will they feel? I can only imagine.
I said I can't do it again. And I don't think I can. But we shall see.
5 comments:
Beautifully written yet all too familiar. This is so very hard. I wish I had advice or an answer for you.
The leaving after a visit is so very hard-especially for the kids but the visit itself is a reminder that you haven't forgotten them, that you're still fighting to bring them home. I can't imagine what they wonder, how they process this.
Good luck with your very hard decision. I'm beginning to wonder if mine will be home by the end of the year. The end truly sucks.
I'm so sorry that this end process is taking so long. I wish I had some advice for you on visiting or not, but our entire end process has been nothing but dragged out and discouraging. "Crawling toward the finish line" is certainly the best way to describe.
Praying for you and those beautiful girls to be united soon.
Praying your next trip will be the last. I recently made my first trip, but know I will likely need to make a few more depending on the length of time it takes. We are still waiting to get into IBESR. Best wishes to you.
I'm not sure as to what the answer is either...I'm almost in denial about literally everything. I think with seeing the end drag like it does for everyone almost paralizes me with fear, and I feel numb. I sure hope some kids come home soon!!!
aves
The end is most certainly the worse...I hope the girls are home soon.
Post a Comment