As aggravating as the process of adoption can be, I have to say that in the crazy 3 ring circus that is my life, it has been the lesser struggle in comparison with the other two rings. Many times it has been my grounding and my sanity. And as I get perspective on the other two areas, as I get farther away from those problems, which dominated my worldview for years, I realize also that the pain of the adoption wait will fade in time, as long as I don't replace it with rebuke and bitterness.
Last year I wrote about leaving a relationship to embark upon the adoption journey. I also wrote that there was a coda to that story; the more appropriate term I believe is 'whiplash'. And I still don't have enough perspective to write about the rest of that episode of my life. The relationship in it's entirety lasted nearly 6 years. It's impossible to be embroiled in something that long and not have it become part of your worldview. The grief from that separation and the rest of the story have been at times absolutely debilitating. I realized my rational mind could tell my logical self that it would not give into grief, but I also knew that until I went thru it, I would fester. And anyway, for the most part, the grieving was pretty much involuntary. I read that this kind of grief is the most similar experience that an adult can have that is in proportion to adopted children grieving for their past lives. Huh. I find God to be very efficient. In this He prepared me for my girls as well as helped me rid a man in my life who was wrong for me. I am thru the worst part of it. I know this, because I have some perspective. When I was in it, I had very little. I knew what was going on, but I could not apply reason. In wound analogy the scab has gone away, but the scar tissue is still delicate. That is miraculous enough. There have been many times thru many months that I thought the wound would never even scab over, much less heal.
The other issue has been about my workplace. I know that most of you smart people reading this understand that extra-marital affairs in the work place can destroy lives, careers, business and families--- and not just of the individuals directly involved. Apparently my boss and my office-mate-colleague did not understand this. Or more likely did not care. There are many painful layers of abuse here, that affected not just me but an entire department, and I will not go into it on this forum. (In fact, if I ever write this story, it will be a novel and it will be under an assumed name!) This went on for 3 long years and while it was at times amusing, sometimes it was downright scary-dangerous and mostly a huge weight on my shoulders. Why? I knew too much and had no place to go with the information. I prayed and prayed that this situation would resolve and it finally began to ease when the boss was forced to resign under some mysterious conundrum that I'm positive he brought upon himself in direct relationship to his extra-marital activities. After he left, I realized how damaged I had become, because I had been in survival mode for years. Survival mode is not a good way to live life or do your job. I looked inside for my famous work ethic and I could only sense it hovering dreamy-like above a barren interior landscape. It was difficult to acknowledge this. My new boss has given me a renewed lease on my career life by moving me into a new and challenging position where I am also supported by those that should be supporting me. It is sorta hard to get used to after all the trauma, but I'm starting to remember what it is supposed to be like. I'm starting to get the hang of it. And I have a terrific boss now.
**************************
In the midst and in the aftermath of all this, I am scrambling around trying to get ready for my girls to come home. Those two other crazy rings I just described have rendered me physically and emotionally paralyzed many times in the recent past. Those two rings have literally put me thru hellfire, yet oddly I feel purified and on the road to recovery.
Those two other rings, and the resulting circumstances have led me to confront evil, manipulation, slavery, idolatry, mental illness, deceit, greed, corruption, frustration, friendships true and false, selfishness, self-worth, humanity, tenacity,politics, compassion, forgiveness, faith, courage, gratitude, joy and God himself.
Of course it has provided me with some extremely valuable insight. What I also know is that the serious rings are ever-changing, and new scenarios replace the old ones. I know this because I am living it...but I won't go THERE right now! I'll just end this with one of my favorite stories....
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Last year I wrote about leaving a relationship to embark upon the adoption journey. I also wrote that there was a coda to that story; the more appropriate term I believe is 'whiplash'. And I still don't have enough perspective to write about the rest of that episode of my life. The relationship in it's entirety lasted nearly 6 years. It's impossible to be embroiled in something that long and not have it become part of your worldview. The grief from that separation and the rest of the story have been at times absolutely debilitating. I realized my rational mind could tell my logical self that it would not give into grief, but I also knew that until I went thru it, I would fester. And anyway, for the most part, the grieving was pretty much involuntary. I read that this kind of grief is the most similar experience that an adult can have that is in proportion to adopted children grieving for their past lives. Huh. I find God to be very efficient. In this He prepared me for my girls as well as helped me rid a man in my life who was wrong for me. I am thru the worst part of it. I know this, because I have some perspective. When I was in it, I had very little. I knew what was going on, but I could not apply reason. In wound analogy the scab has gone away, but the scar tissue is still delicate. That is miraculous enough. There have been many times thru many months that I thought the wound would never even scab over, much less heal.
The other issue has been about my workplace. I know that most of you smart people reading this understand that extra-marital affairs in the work place can destroy lives, careers, business and families--- and not just of the individuals directly involved. Apparently my boss and my office-mate-colleague did not understand this. Or more likely did not care. There are many painful layers of abuse here, that affected not just me but an entire department, and I will not go into it on this forum. (In fact, if I ever write this story, it will be a novel and it will be under an assumed name!) This went on for 3 long years and while it was at times amusing, sometimes it was downright scary-dangerous and mostly a huge weight on my shoulders. Why? I knew too much and had no place to go with the information. I prayed and prayed that this situation would resolve and it finally began to ease when the boss was forced to resign under some mysterious conundrum that I'm positive he brought upon himself in direct relationship to his extra-marital activities. After he left, I realized how damaged I had become, because I had been in survival mode for years. Survival mode is not a good way to live life or do your job. I looked inside for my famous work ethic and I could only sense it hovering dreamy-like above a barren interior landscape. It was difficult to acknowledge this. My new boss has given me a renewed lease on my career life by moving me into a new and challenging position where I am also supported by those that should be supporting me. It is sorta hard to get used to after all the trauma, but I'm starting to remember what it is supposed to be like. I'm starting to get the hang of it. And I have a terrific boss now.
**************************
In the midst and in the aftermath of all this, I am scrambling around trying to get ready for my girls to come home. Those two other crazy rings I just described have rendered me physically and emotionally paralyzed many times in the recent past. Those two rings have literally put me thru hellfire, yet oddly I feel purified and on the road to recovery.
Those two other rings, and the resulting circumstances have led me to confront evil, manipulation, slavery, idolatry, mental illness, deceit, greed, corruption, frustration, friendships true and false, selfishness, self-worth, humanity, tenacity,politics, compassion, forgiveness, faith, courage, gratitude, joy and God himself.
Of course it has provided me with some extremely valuable insight. What I also know is that the serious rings are ever-changing, and new scenarios replace the old ones. I know this because I am living it...but I won't go THERE right now! I'll just end this with one of my favorite stories....
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego."
"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
1 comment:
Congrats on choosing the good when you were among people who chose the other. Sometimes that can be hard to do in the midst of turmoil. You're ready for your girls now. Love the Cherokee story.
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