Friday night we had major storms and tornadic activity in North Georgia. Many storms, little pockets (they call them 'cells') to watch. A few were pointed right at me, but they missed me by a mile. Literally. Which is good. When faced with the possibility of staring down a funnel cloud, 'missed me by a mile' does not seem very comforting, and it's really not. But when you're being a smart aleck, playing some kind of athletic game, and you say that, it means something completely different. Semantics are funny like that.
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I have not been extremely open to the general public about my adoption. I knew it would be a long difficult process, interspersed with joy, which I chose to share with a few people close to me---- and the world wide web. (the www is the best place to hide that kind of secret. The only people interested in adoption blogs are other adopters. Most other people are not going to read this stuff unless it is of personal interest to them) I work in a very political environment and I instinctively knew this would be negative fodder that some might try to use against me if I were public about it. I knew that enduring this journey would be difficult enough. To have to fight gossip and ridicule in a closed environment would have been debilitating. And so that was much of my reasoning behind my quiet decision. I decided to choose support.
However, now is the time to start talking, at least to the ones that need to know. So I called up our HR director to ask her about some employee issues. Then I laid the FMLA bomb on her and the reason for it.
This person is my colleague, and someone I have relied on many, many times. We have a relationship. She is one of those 60 year old women that look like she might be about 48. She has never been married, does not have children. Her shock was forthright.
"Do you know what you are doing???"
Duh.
I wanted to print out all of Mrs. K's Adoption Etiquette posts and send them to her in her ivory tower.
One thing that is really true about these kind of reactions is that people will basically project their own insecurities onto the situation, and I am going to try to remember I said that when I get irritated.
She went on to say that she could not even make a decision to adopt a dog much less a person. She could barely take care of herself as it was!
I said, "yeah, it's a big decision, kinda of like getting married"
She said "oh no, I could handle getting married!"
Really. That was my thought at that point, but I did not say it. I like this person. She is a down-to earth and honest woman. Although obviously naive about marriage. So I did not want to offend her, even tho she was offending me, without meaning to.
****************************************
I went to see my accountant today. She finished my taxes. I pay her, because she is alot better at this than I am. I remembered I had talked to her about adoption 2 years ago at tax time when I was considering it as a possibility. (Actually, I was pretty obsessed with the idea) She was pretty receptive at that time, was exploring all the tax opportunities, as only an accountant would! When I told her today that I had actually gone forward she freaked out. At least initially. She just could not wrap her head around the idea of spending that much money for the purpose of adoption. But I told her, because I wanted to make sure I was making all the right moves in the coming year in order to recoup some of it. She was stuck on shock. She is also a very nice person, and she was just trying to wrap her head around it. It was just too convoluted for her. At the end I showed her pictures of the girls, and that seemed to ease her a little. I realized once again, I don't think like other people. Sigh. Oh well!
******************************************
Saturday we had a special event and I had to work. It was very successful and my boss was happy. I was having lunch with her in the restaurant (I manage) when I noticed a family with
2 white parents and two black boys about age 5 or 6 (twins?). S knows what is going on with my adoption, and actually was in on it from the beginning and wrote a reference letter for my home study. Long before she was my boss. Anyway, when I saw that family, I said "there goes a family like mine. I don't see too much of that around here" She just kind of nodded her head in acknowledgement. I asked her if she knew of any adoption groups that were local. I told her I knew they existed, I just had not been able to find them. The reason I asked her this was because she and her husband had seriously considered adoption at one point, and had done much of the preliminary work. I knew she had connections. She started talking about her past adoption plans, and it made me sad because I realized emotionally, she still wants to. But she is working this from her logical mind. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Logic keeps us from doing really stupid things. But it also keeps us sometimes from our dreams.
*********************************************
Last month one of my long lost best friends found me on Facebook.
(I was so happy, and at some point I will do a post just about her and I. And she will like it because she does actually read my blog, lol) But here is what the touch point was. I had said publicly on that forum that I was frustrated with fingerprints and the Atlanta office. That is all. She wrote me and asked me if I was adopting. And if I was, she could relate. Mind you I had heard from this person maybe once in 20 years. She had been in Boston all that time, living her life. I wrote her back and told her how smart she was and demanded she tell me her story! Turns out she had adopted an Armenian baby 6 years ago. (She already had bio twin boys) N is a year or so older than I am, so it fell into place then, because I noted her daughter was very young which might be considered unusual. Unless of course you are an adoptive mom. She sent me this message 2 days ago, after hearing our approval news, in her best Bostonian accent:
"MAHTAH!!!
I just read your blog, so happy for you!
Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, God has given you such a gift...
You are so truly blessed,
you inspire me.
xo
N"
Of all (not really that many) my lifelong/longtime friends, I am joyful that I share this bond with her. It's truly amazing to me. I have had people that I have been VERY close to in the past drop me like a rock solely because of this adoption. I'm thinking specifically of one woman and one man. These were not casual encounters. I'm not saying it didn't hurt, but I never thought for a minute I should do differently. The wrong people slough off. It can be discouraging, it can be painful. It will likely even happen again. But then here come these random encounters with the enlightened, the people that get it, if even for a minute. They give me a hand up, and sometimes I need this on my singular journey. They inspire me.
As for the initially shocked and appalled, perhaps in time they will be converted. Or not. Some people just don't get it.
***********************************
I have not been extremely open to the general public about my adoption. I knew it would be a long difficult process, interspersed with joy, which I chose to share with a few people close to me---- and the world wide web. (the www is the best place to hide that kind of secret. The only people interested in adoption blogs are other adopters. Most other people are not going to read this stuff unless it is of personal interest to them) I work in a very political environment and I instinctively knew this would be negative fodder that some might try to use against me if I were public about it. I knew that enduring this journey would be difficult enough. To have to fight gossip and ridicule in a closed environment would have been debilitating. And so that was much of my reasoning behind my quiet decision. I decided to choose support.
However, now is the time to start talking, at least to the ones that need to know. So I called up our HR director to ask her about some employee issues. Then I laid the FMLA bomb on her and the reason for it.
This person is my colleague, and someone I have relied on many, many times. We have a relationship. She is one of those 60 year old women that look like she might be about 48. She has never been married, does not have children. Her shock was forthright.
"Do you know what you are doing???"
Duh.
I wanted to print out all of Mrs. K's Adoption Etiquette posts and send them to her in her ivory tower.
One thing that is really true about these kind of reactions is that people will basically project their own insecurities onto the situation, and I am going to try to remember I said that when I get irritated.
She went on to say that she could not even make a decision to adopt a dog much less a person. She could barely take care of herself as it was!
I said, "yeah, it's a big decision, kinda of like getting married"
She said "oh no, I could handle getting married!"
Really. That was my thought at that point, but I did not say it. I like this person. She is a down-to earth and honest woman. Although obviously naive about marriage. So I did not want to offend her, even tho she was offending me, without meaning to.
****************************************
I went to see my accountant today. She finished my taxes. I pay her, because she is alot better at this than I am. I remembered I had talked to her about adoption 2 years ago at tax time when I was considering it as a possibility. (Actually, I was pretty obsessed with the idea) She was pretty receptive at that time, was exploring all the tax opportunities, as only an accountant would! When I told her today that I had actually gone forward she freaked out. At least initially. She just could not wrap her head around the idea of spending that much money for the purpose of adoption. But I told her, because I wanted to make sure I was making all the right moves in the coming year in order to recoup some of it. She was stuck on shock. She is also a very nice person, and she was just trying to wrap her head around it. It was just too convoluted for her. At the end I showed her pictures of the girls, and that seemed to ease her a little. I realized once again, I don't think like other people. Sigh. Oh well!
******************************************
Saturday we had a special event and I had to work. It was very successful and my boss was happy. I was having lunch with her in the restaurant (I manage) when I noticed a family with
2 white parents and two black boys about age 5 or 6 (twins?). S knows what is going on with my adoption, and actually was in on it from the beginning and wrote a reference letter for my home study. Long before she was my boss. Anyway, when I saw that family, I said "there goes a family like mine. I don't see too much of that around here" She just kind of nodded her head in acknowledgement. I asked her if she knew of any adoption groups that were local. I told her I knew they existed, I just had not been able to find them. The reason I asked her this was because she and her husband had seriously considered adoption at one point, and had done much of the preliminary work. I knew she had connections. She started talking about her past adoption plans, and it made me sad because I realized emotionally, she still wants to. But she is working this from her logical mind. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Logic keeps us from doing really stupid things. But it also keeps us sometimes from our dreams.
*********************************************
Last month one of my long lost best friends found me on Facebook.
(I was so happy, and at some point I will do a post just about her and I. And she will like it because she does actually read my blog, lol) But here is what the touch point was. I had said publicly on that forum that I was frustrated with fingerprints and the Atlanta office. That is all. She wrote me and asked me if I was adopting. And if I was, she could relate. Mind you I had heard from this person maybe once in 20 years. She had been in Boston all that time, living her life. I wrote her back and told her how smart she was and demanded she tell me her story! Turns out she had adopted an Armenian baby 6 years ago. (She already had bio twin boys) N is a year or so older than I am, so it fell into place then, because I noted her daughter was very young which might be considered unusual. Unless of course you are an adoptive mom. She sent me this message 2 days ago, after hearing our approval news, in her best Bostonian accent:
"MAHTAH!!!
I just read your blog, so happy for you!
Happy Birthday, Happy Easter, God has given you such a gift...
You are so truly blessed,
you inspire me.
xo
N"
Of all (not really that many) my lifelong/longtime friends, I am joyful that I share this bond with her. It's truly amazing to me. I have had people that I have been VERY close to in the past drop me like a rock solely because of this adoption. I'm thinking specifically of one woman and one man. These were not casual encounters. I'm not saying it didn't hurt, but I never thought for a minute I should do differently. The wrong people slough off. It can be discouraging, it can be painful. It will likely even happen again. But then here come these random encounters with the enlightened, the people that get it, if even for a minute. They give me a hand up, and sometimes I need this on my singular journey. They inspire me.
As for the initially shocked and appalled, perhaps in time they will be converted. Or not. Some people just don't get it.
4 comments:
What a great post, and all so so true. Some people just DO not get it. People I thought would be supportive, are not. People do NOT know the "correct" thing to say, so they blunder even if they mean well (and sometimes they do NOT mean well). It is tough, and like you I did not tell everyone, and have found the most support through the blogging world and now, Facebook (find me: Jennifer Meyer).
Well, i GET it! And I think you are so blessed with these two beautiful girls! Have a wonderful Easter day; next year two precious little girls will be sharing it with your family!
I think that, just like with a pregnancy that is not "showing" yet, when people first find out about it all the logical non emotional reasons and questions about the wiseness of it come out. To these people, adoption seems like just money, a process, papers, and not about "real kids." But I think that, like a pregnancy, when the mom is "showing" or when the baby comes, those people with all that stuff to say soften, when they realize HERE IS THE CHILD, the reason for all that fuss. When these people meet your girls, they won't question any more "why" you did this. They will see the girls and then will know why you adopted them. Also people are probably shocked to know not only did you decide to do it, but they are almost here!!!!! You'll have to do a follow up post on these people's reactions when they meet your girls.
I've been turning your post over in my mind ever since I read it. I think Steph is right about how once the girls' are here, some of the people who reacted negatively to the news, would react very differently the the girls themselves. But then again, there are some people who just refuse to be happy for the blessings of others.
I was so happy to read the reaction of your long-lost friend. A huge "hooray" for such a great lady like her :)
What is the deal with HR people not having kids? No one in our HR department has kids. Anyway, sorry some people are narrow minded. I think the fact that they can't imagine themselves adopting makes them uncomfortable. But I agree with the others, they will love your girls-how could anyone not just melt in the presence of those two?
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